still having the blues

Hmm... still have the blues... blues... blues.. maybe that's why i was decked in blue today... anyway

dealing with so much disappointment and disillusionment. Hard.

tough also when super duper good friends around me start to be attached and i'm no longer the priority of good friends...and it sucks ... makes me want to be someone else's priority.

Just read a blog from one of my 'xiao mei's... and she puts it so aptly -
Missing someone is not an acute pain that can be easily identified, but a nagging ache of which you can't find it's cause.

I miss my attached friends. I miss my time with them. I miss the intimacy with them. I miss being able to hang out anytime. I miss being treasured and valued. Finally I can let this out. Phew. Been bothering me lots.

And it sucks too. I wish falling in love was simpler. that the agony of not being loved in return does not irk so bad.

Go the extra mile. Make it 8

Am revisiting old movies. I think i watch a lot of movies that are recommended... heh...

anyway... revisited 8 mile last night. WAH. i used to a avoid it becacause of its explicit langauge. But if one peers beyond that... there is so much depth and heart in the show... like with people who are explosive, who are delinquents, or simply, those who put up a brave front .

// Crossing Borders
"No matter where we live, no matter who we are, we're all l bound by borders... some real, some imagined. Many of us are content to live within these borders. Others are forced to. But some of us need to break out, burst through, even if waht lies on the other side is both frightening and unknown."
Rocks. Exactly where I'm at now.

// Old Glory
I felt a lot for the old broken down city. Once at its helms. Now broken. I feel for the poverty of the people. I feel for the brokeness of the families... and the churches that now become restaurants . ... ... The feeling of abandonment.

// Family
This theme of family is something that I've been experiencing these two years... undestrstand it more. And looking at the broken family... breaks my heart. Wondering how Lily will grow up... and how B-Rabbit finds his family in 3-1-3.

// Hip Hop
I've always liked Hip Hop... before it became a multi million industry. I love the rhythm, I love the unfiltered authentic expression of life's realities. Its like blues. Like Jazz. And how Hip Hop is an extension of that. It's heart music. It's born out of adversity. It's born out to keep alive emotionally. Like the Cubans. "Hip hop is the only thing standing between him and the void"

As a genre - iit is a mish mash: " Hip hop is a post modern art in that it shamelessl raids older forms of pop culture- Kung Fu movies, chitlin' circuit comendy, 70's funk and other equally disparate sources - and reshapes the material to fit the personalities of an individual artist and the taste of the times"

// Opportunity

If I had just listened to the song "Lose yourself" i would have thought that it is merely hedonistic. But peering deeper in... its being so focused... that yoone blocks out the obstacles, the negative voices... and concentracte of doing 'your thing". That if you have one shot, one opportunity" - GRAB IT.

Rocks. Was feeling tired and asking myself why I'm pushing on for this job that is extended. Then this spoke to me - its an opportunity. Seize it.

// Production insights
Kim Basinger on Curtis Hanson: "... especially the insecure artists that we are, always in search of someone to believe that we can do it with the right guidance"

Like Curtis Hanson's take on this movie - that it is NOT a rap movie (glanmed up... slick & sleek)... But it gets ars real as it gets and the movie is a journey, and the thread that runs behind the movie, is the guiding direction for it. Freestyle. Improvisation. Yet within structure. Love the decision for handheld cameras.

" No matter how difficult the circumstances, he was always determined to do his best and to find the truth in every moment" - Curtis Handson on Eminem. Never saw it that way - how actors are to - find truth in every moment. Emotional truth.

LOVE THE RAWNESS.

Every Christmas is different.

This year… Nov already… somehow don’t feel ready for the Christmas cheer.

By this time last year, have prob started buying presents and all… heh. Oh well…the closest I feel to Christmas is being in starhucks now. The red coffee cup, the happy graphics, the wonderful Hazelnut steamed milk and Jazzy music adds to that. Heh.

Yes, I must have a date with the Christmas coffees again. Its almost like a yearly tradition – where I’ll reflect about what Christmas is… accompanied with a special Starbucks Christmas concoction. Heh.

world of wong kar wai

Always wondered why Chungking Express was such a big deal. Today, I know.

Finally watched it after all these years. Wow.

I love the artiness of it - the theme of the cans... how love expires... how he uses music to separate charcters... the oblique angles.

my fav part? the trailer. love the way the chinese titles are juxtaposed against each ohter. Fully brining out the charcter of the film. Amazing. I love chinese text!

Dedication.

Hmm... its been good.

Working on a VolksWagen internal video now. I'm actually happy and not cynical.

I guess I feel very much supported - not working alone... but working together. Haven't felt like that way for corporate work for a long time... Its great! The clients are good too. Am very amazed. At the German guys on this account - how passionate they feel towards the brand, their understanding of the brand's philosophy and identity. Really cool. I feel it. I feel the brand. I understand the translation of the brand to visuals. I'm excited.

Glad.

time to reflect

hmmf... had a super busy day... one of those days that I hadn't had for a while.

glad to have some quiet time to do so ... finally...

find that I am quite erratic... and do get impatient and irritable quite often. Frustrated too. Hmm... need to learn gentleness, patience and love. Gotta stop wanting the world to revolve around me... and start learning to merge the ideal and the bad together. To not expect everything to be perfect. But to "bao rong" - to have the love that covers a multitude of sins.

This thing struck me on Sunday - how we can hide. When the storm is too much, when the world's a whirlwind, there is a place that is safe and secure. Under His wings. Hide. Hiding often seems to send a bad vibe... like shun away from something. Like being a coward. Like an ostrich. But hiding can be good too. Sometimes we just need to be away. Sometimes we need to find a refuge. Hide. Abide. Reside.

Hiding now... away from the admin / demands / work / social obligations that I can spin into... reading inspiring quotes... that speak to my situation now>>

// Perseverance
The man who removed the mountain started by carrying away small stones. (Chinese proverb)

Time to rest. Lay my head on His shoulder.

yi lu shang you ni

i hold a paintbrush

understand why people like to paint - its tactile and messy! Wonderful for our overly-digital world.

the mixing of colours... was delightful... and just experimenting with strokes, colours, patterns... beautiful... wonder why I never painted much earlier... heh.