Risk.

The power to risk is in the promise of God

. Obedience is risk. The bottom line comfort and assurance in all our risk-taking for Christ is that nothing will ever separate us from the love of God.

Every good poised to bless us, and every evil arrayed against us, will in the end help us boast only in the cross, magnify Christ, and glorify our Creator. Faith in these promises frees us to risk and to find in our own experience that it is better to lose our life than to waste it.

- John Piper

Resurrect.

“If the vision or idea is from God, it’s worth fighting for, and also worth waiting for – in God’s good time."

– Howard Brant

“...When you hold your dreams with open hands, you get to watch God resurrect what seemed dead and multiply what seemed small.”

Value.

When we truly embrace the revelation of God’s heart for us, the struggle to feel important is settled.

trust.

We can't control the way our family responds to us. When it comes to the behavior of others toward us, our hands are tied. We have to move beyond the naive expectation that if we do good, people will treat us right. The fact is they may and they may not--we cannot control how people respond to us.

I can't assure you that your family will ever give you the blessing you seek, but I know God will. Let God give you what your family doesn't. If your earthly father doesn't affirm you, then let your heavenly Father take his place.

God has proven himself as a faithful father. Now it falls to us to be trusting children. Let God give you what your family doesn't. Let him fill the void others have left. Rely upon him for your affirmation and encouragement. Look at Paul's words: "You are God's child, and God will give you the blessing he promised, because you are his child" (Gal. 4:7, emphasis added).

[And] don't lose heart. God still changes families.

- Max Lucado

Whom.

In any museum we will find quite ordinary things - clothes, a
walking stick, a pen, pieces of furniture - which are only of
value because they were possessed and used by some great person.
It is the ownership which gives them worth. It is so with the
Christian. The Christian may be a very ordinary person, but he
acquires a new value and dignity and greatness because he
belongs to God. The greatness of the Christian lies in the fact
that he is God's.

- William Barclay

Being.

When I get up in the morning, I sit on the side of my bed and say, God, if I don't get anything else done today, I want to know You more and love You better. God didn't put me on earth just to fulfill a to-do list. He's more interested in what I am than what I do. That's why we're called human beings, not human doings.

Dance Away.

Hearing God’s Music - Max Lucado

Let's imagine that you want to learn to dance. Being the rational, cerebral person you are, you go to a bookstore and buy a book on dancing. You take the book home and get to work.

Finally, you think you’ve got it, and you invite your wife to come in and watch. You hold the book open and follow the instructions step by step. You even read the words aloud so she’ll know that you’ve done your homework. “Lean with your right shoulder,” and so you lean. “Now step with your right foot,” and so you step. “Turn slowly to the left,” and so you do.

You continue to read, then dance, read, then dance, until the dance is completed. You plop exhausted on the couch, look at your wife, and proclaim, “I executed it perfectly.”

A Gentle Thunder“You executed it, all right,” she sighs. “You killed it.”

“What?”

“You forgot the most important part. Where is the music?”

Music?

You never thought about music. You remembered the book. You learned the rules. You laid out the pattern. But you forgot the music.

“Do it again,” she says, putting in a CD. “This time don’t worry about the steps; just follow the music.”

She extends her hand and the music begins. The next thing you know, you are dancing—and you don’t even have the book.

We Christians are prone to follow the book while ignoring the music. We master the doctrine, outline the chapters, memorize the dispensations, debate the rules, and stiffly step down the dance floor of life with no music in our hearts. We measure each step, calibrate each turn, and flop into bed each night exhausted from another day of dancing by the book.

Dancing with no music is tough stuff.

“Let God have you, and let God love you—and don’t be surprised if your heart begins to hear music you’ve never heard and your feet learn to dance as never before.”

Daily.

"The great hindrance in spiritual life is that we will look for big things
to do. 'Jesus took a towel . . . and began to wash the disciples' feet.'
There are times when there is no illumination and no thrill, but just the
daily round, the common task. Routine is God's way of saving us between our
times of inspiration. Do not expect God always to give you His thrilling
minutes, but learn to live in the domain of drudgery by the power of God."

Oswald Chambers

Reset

After all the "madness"... been wonderful to rest and chill these few days.

So so so thankful that I'm off this week. Thankful for my bosses. Desperately needing these days. When I am busy, my room reflects it. Glad to just "reset" - back to normal. Putting my shoes back, arranging my clothes, washing my laundry etc. Just been like that these few days - cleaned up my computer today. Finally backed up. Arranged my contacts. Good. Happy.

Happier to spend time with family - esp mom. Dad. Aunties. Even far away Aussie cousins. Just nice. To take time out to assist, chip in, chat, laugh.

Just a few more days to 2008... Though things are still tough but somehow I am looking forward to it...

Gingerly

Yay... the day passed by in quick motion, almost in a blur-like-motion. Towards 2 plus 3 I was almost gone. Ha. But happy tired. Fulfilled tired. Makes me happy to see the "A-Po" enjoy the chix wings and Satay. Feel glad people are served. Truly... things don't just pop up, but crafted, thought through and hard, sweat and tears are given out.

Thankful for people who take care of me, like bringing me a plate of food or getting me a drink. Amazed at the dedication of many, who really go all out for this cause. Seeing the old folks enjoy taking the photo amidst the set, really warms my heart. The entire message of the production this Christmas - Its not about reindeers or Christmas trees, but of family. Seeing the old folks connect with their past and living in the present was lovely. Priceless. Unity is so delicate. Handle people with care.

Thankful for this gingerbread man. Had been living off love to serve, sugar and caffeine to keep going the last week. Tasted good, but even more thankful for the friend who gave it to me. Made it taste extra good. Yeah, I do have a lot of things to be thankful of. Sometimes I look at myself - I see my flaws, my mistakes, my weaknesses. So badly needing grace and be free from worry and from the viewpoints of others. Learning what it means to follow and die to all other viewpoints except for One. Learning to rest in the fact that I'm loved, special and mean a lot to the One who gave His life for me. Resting.

Thankful I remembered the cake, thankful I have a friend to go with me, thankful my parents are cool about me scratching their car... thankful I have them. Thankful I am loved.

Glad I can take a breather today/ tonight. I can sleep in tom... Yay! Needing it lots, lots, lots!!!!

forward.

gosh. super sleepy now... have to last the next few days.......

heee

but super fun. and amazing - the set up, the music, the songs, the atmosphere, the people etc... and the rain stop... power! i think one of the best parts is that everyone was acting themselves, almost. beautiful.

gg to be a longgggg day tom... but sure its gonna be interesting. Have not felt such comaraderie ever... this is special. really family.

gg to pick up stuff, design, print, chop, video tom... and wake up in time for service the next day. ha.

super thankful i get to use the car tom... and also mom and dad may be coming...

gg to sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep contentedly. =)

much ado about many things

Its been a whirlwind these last few days... super sleepy now... lots of fun but also battling some stuff... but having loads of fun... haha... enjoy the BUZZZZZZZZZZ

hmm.. learning to juggle expectations... and balancing time... and giving... still scared... but getting better...

i do enjoy organising... haha... must learn to appreciate my giftings... guess in a fun setting, its fun... but oh well... good training from work I suppose... (though its less fun then)... good to have great team members. really fun. glad I could use my design skills somehow... somewhere... yeah... all these years of training are not in waste... never... but such a high price to pay... ... learning not to compare and wish i was doing something more 'fun' like acting/ dancing/singing etc... and to stop wishing i was more musically talented. but be happy. with my role. i have fun too. hee.

so thankful... met up with a good friend who is pregnant and she gave me jelly beans!!! hehe. and also a friend treated me to a pedicure... ooh... purple nails with silver fancy french tips... hee... happy... the massage was great! good to catch up and all... glad to use some thai seasoning and cook a simple yet yummy meal. ha! i'm getting there... for asian food. Grin. was fun to laugh over things with the 3 gals... and exchange stories... yeah... the best things in life can be so simple...

learning to wait too... that it is redemptive rather than relentless... trusting. resting and quieting my soul. life can be hard, easy, painful, fun... such extremes. ha.

time to sleep.

Art Housed.

i feel very happy with my christmas lights and my m&ms christmas ornaments. ha. wanted to get a christmas tree but could not find a suitable one. So... I decided to just drape the lights over my shelves of toys and hang the ornaments on my accesories rack. ha. love it! its Christmas!!!! heh. going to watch Hoops and Yoyo Christmas CD soon! heeeeeee

listening to some light Jazz with Tony Bennett... nice... and soft yellow lighting... heh... been dreaming of this set up since Uni days... ever since I stepped into Eden's room. Heh. Now I have my own room with yellow lighting and dreamy music. Nice. The little pleasures of life that make life a little more bearable... and enjoyable. balances out the pain??? been moody these last 2 days

really enjoyed today... had a meeting in the morning... felt more reason to go through the difficult training I am going through now... felt privileged to be part of something bigger than myself...

met some old friends for lunch... haha... funny how different idealogies and directions people can pursue... but still fun to hang out once in a while. life really does move on. with people getting married, having kids, changing jobs... life is sure more than that... but it involves that too... just glad to know that though they may not fully understand, but I know they love and support me in their own ways.

hmm... glad to have picked up a lovely white skirt... yay! another basic to my wardrobe!!!! =) it was slightly shiny and it fits to a T. *glad*

ooh... went through a chapter of "What Good are the Arts?" Feel I understand more... good!

just glad to meet Meen and Tom... to Meen who understands, shares my journey and values. just feel like my heart can rest when I talk to her. its really good to have met Tom... just to dialogue and hear his heart and vision. so glad for both of them. i can't ask for better art-gallery friends here... was fun visiting the UtterRubbish useLESS exhibition. Yay, in the words of Tom, paying money to see trash. Ha. I really enjoyed the whole exhibition. It was fresh, quirky and soothing. Love the place - old Supreme Court. Just fun to weave in and out of the place. Great to see design moving towards sustainability. happy to hang out with Meen and Tom. Was sure fun!

Today is sure artsy day! dropped by the Esplanade, picked up a few DVDs and walked through some artsy installation and picked up some brochures etc. So fun. So much visual food. yay!heeeeeeeeeee happpyyyyyyyyy

applied for a job online but arghhhhhh did not save a copy and just because that i did not fill in a blank, the form was reset!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I got really upset... but was reminded that at least here, I could get employment. In places like East Timor, even if you wanted, you could not. SO... I DECIDED TO BE THANKFUL. heeeeeeeeeee

yeah... life goes on... next week seems exciting... even tomorrow... just glad there are fun things lined up... and little things that keep me happy... just fighting bitterness, boredom and sadness... remembering to trust, look up and move on....

so long...

i stopped blaming myself for somethings that happened. just let go of that. feel free. even tonight and even my life... perhaps i should not try so hard. like jojo says... trying hard loses the intuitive touch. and i find myself excelling in things i don't strive. maybe i should just relax.

want to have an open hand... yet not non-chalant... ??? letting go more and more... not to fight for so much control....

healing.

these few days i'm really sad and rather blue. reaching for joy.

just taken aback by the grace that is so plentiful. so much favour, undeserved merit. I think when in pain, I appreciate the love of God and people a lot more. Especially when I know that they are channels of His love, extensions of His hand and a special touch from Him.

thankful, grateful, amazed.

came back and heard i got a missed call from a dear friend who is in Scotland...

received my first Christmas gift... a nice photo frame!

stayed over at my favourite family's place - enjoying the warmth, security and familiar surroundings and people. I felt so welcome that it felt like my second home. Perhaps the home I wish for. A lovely Christmas tree, their family portraits, their photos, their pets, their decor... brings stability to me... I felt enjoyed by the children and had fun just chatting, playing scrabble and painting nails! happy to see my life impacted rachy's and i meant something to her and the family. Was great to chat with aunty and to know she really loves me. Her hug was special. It said so much more than words could. That she understood. That she loves me. That she wishes me the best. it was so comforting just to be with them and be there. really lovely. really really love this family so much. feel so comforted. really hope to raise a family like this, God willing.

really cool to meet up with good old JC friends... whom we've journeyed over the years. just had a lot of fun together chatting, swooning over the new born, taking time to carry her and just continuing to enjoy the journey together. felt understood. felt closeness. was good.

i dread weddings but it gives me an excuse to dress up. wasn't feeling too perky. ended up wearing a LBD -little black dress, with a pretty green shawl and silvery earrings and bangle. Funny to see how a friend was in black and red accessories. ha. felt very encouraged by her that she enjoyed my NY pix - she has great artsie sense. Felt recognised. Heh. weddings can be pretty fun... glad to see some old friends again... old colleagues... and acquaintances I met over the last few years. Friends whom we served together, worked together and weathered through things together. So lovely to know I've a friend whom I can be real with and not give a fair weather answer. Glad to have a good friend come up and ask how I am. Good to get hugs from my 2 fav ex-colleagues/pals. i feel loved. And to remember the good times I had with all of them. So precious. Really.

I had a dear mentor who commented that the video we did for him was really useful and good. Felt happy yet sad. Feel fruitful yet down, not sure why. Nevertheless, it was still encouraging.

Best of all... I got to spend loads of time with one of my most treasured friends... whom I had spent inordinate time with... perhaps the MOST time I had spent with a single friend all my life. Love her so much. Just good to connect, be honest, pour our hearts out and laugh at things. In her hug, there's just so much unsaid too. Love, understanding and care. Things money can't buy.

Yeah... whilst playing scrabble, I wanted to make the word "Money"... but somehow ended up with the words "Honey". Yeah... perhaps compared to my friends, I am making really little money... and I am wishing for more. But perhaps the "Honey" I gained is much better than the "Money" I foregone.

deep.

Behind every earthly trial, there is a spiritual reason that man can never see with the naked eye. It takes the revelation of God to tear the veil away so that we can see the real root, the real cause, the real answer.

walking along.. singing a song

heh. got this line off a hoops and yoyo song. i love them!!! will take them travelling next time to take pix

hmm... happy day. have not felt SOOOOOOOOOO happy for a LOOOOOOOONNNNNGGGG time. Hee hee. was fun. went for a party this morn and soooooooo good to catch up and connect with new people. so fun so fun so fun! enjoyed the food. sometimes its good to enjoy and not the one behind it all the time. different joys =). glad for friends and being able to connect. fun just gg to MAAD and hang out. Got inspired and went to People's park and get my pliers (finally), a ear-ring holder (Yipee!) and also a golden wing. Ooh... ha. It was only $1.9! compared to River Island's overpriced one. Came back and just being happy over my purchases and also fixing and making new jewellery! Heh. Oh yes, FINALLY got a nice cute bag with the black and white pattern I've been wanting for a REALLLLLLYYYYYY long time! Yay!!!!! Such satisfaction. Hee

glad - got some stuff done and organised. Yay. Just very happy today. Thankful - was dreading the weekend but glad God sent friends to gladden the day and brighten the skies. So glad to be happy and joyful.

Still sorting out stuff - health, work, insurance etc... but with a gladder spirit. Yeah... not everything is smooth. But at least my outlook is better. Hee. Learning what it means to follow my heart yet also be wise and still seek.

Clear and Stable

So thankful for today- one of those days where I am CLEAR and STABLE. Hope for more days like this to come.

Glad I know where I'm heading, and the focus this time. Weathering the current and the crossroads. Research.

Ran through some material and came across this definition of leadership that is worth a peek - that it is an ability to meet the needs of people by helping them to accomplish their goals. Interesting, so often leadership is obtain a self or organisation's goal... but yes, there's also the personal goals.

Yay! I finished reading Jack Trout/ Ries book on positioning. Yeah... these concepts were tosssed around school and just crammed during exams. Glad to be able to study more indepth what all these concepts really really mean. Ha.

Happy to just catch Nigella on TV and whip up an orange, cream, fish, garlic sauced pasta, just for myself. So glad, I feel the energy returning...

Gg to sleep soon =)

The Poignancy of Life

went for a play titled "Life: a doublebill; portraying the poignancy of life". Went for it largely because a good friend was directing "Implosion", the first story.

I was pleasantly surprised... it was refreshingly funny yet it struck chords that is so commonplace in the Singaporean society. It was really good to see the themes explored in such a Singaporean manner (Hokkien sounding English and all for some characters) yet having so much depth.

Some of the issues were really poignant and I left having some questions "haunting me". There were no neat answers or happily ever after but it was real. For "Implosion" - issues of trust and communication within a marriage, issues of wanting to be love, accepted and being normal in the Singaporean society; especially the mental patients with syndromes they can't seem to shake, issues of expressing yourself freely in Singapore, about working hard and selling your soul to the employer. Really challenged me to be patient with people who are different and reinforce the importance of expressing one's thoughts and not bottle it up, yes... and also not selling your soul.

The other play "Just late", highlighted issues of parenting and also the deep hidden pains that often people don't talk about yet react/ act in a way that is defensive, unpleasant, angry or worse, cordial yet within is a brewing hurricane. At times of great stress, many of these things surface.

It really did struck a chord. Facing myself honestly, there is so much fear and resentment within... and last night, a song spoke to my heart... "Let the pain and the sorrow... be washed away... dip your heart in the stream of life... where deep meets deep" ...

Going where I had never been

just got back from running...

realise running is very visual... esp after i've been in this video line... and also all the nike+ ads... very effective

what i love is the exploratory portion... and the sensory tone... a voice telling you how much you ran... a voice telling you that that is the furthest you ran.

i like exploring. due to the move this year, i had been exploring places to do "research" on the decor. Remembered walking into Salvation Army and picking up a retro bedsheet which i converted to be a curtain. Liked walking into Rose Citron at 23 Keong Saik Rd where I met a nice French lady selling colourful homeware.

Life can be so tough... but its little things like these that lift the soul

Some notes I fished out

heee heee

happy... have been clearing my stuff and its really great. things feel more in order, i can reach out for stuff easier. i am obeying - reading/writing etc the stuff I need to. I feel I'm moving forward. That's a good feeling.

fished out some notes I scribbled after watching the making of LOTR... thought I'd just air it (haha)

>> Armor
The armor was built for the front only because they were never made to run back

>> Clothes and Props
Helped the characters to get into character

>> Detail
The detail that went into the LOTR set reminded me of God's instructions in the OT to His people for building things

Fight.

I am so happy to go to the gym. When I feel lazy, I should remember the times when I am not feeling well and can't go. ha

was great just releasing my angst there and feel that I had pushed some limits and have accomplished something. Did a 1/2 hour bike today. Hee. Used to wonder how people do it. Now I can. Now I know. To challenge yourself. To push yourself. To be consistent. I like these short excercise sessions. I don't feel drained but energized.

Haha... I love cartoon network games... just finished playing a pillow fight game using Buttercup! Hahahahahahahah.... nice to know I win sometimes. Been fighting... and fighting... and fighting... I want to win.

veggie dose

when i'm feeling blue... a dose of veggie tales is good.

its meant for kids but never fails to but a smile on my face with their tongue-in-cheek jokes. and some of them can only be appreciated by adults. that's the best part.

one of it is in Moe and the Big Exit. Instead of lone ranger, Moe is the lone stranger. it just cracked me up. a lot of the treatments were tastefully done, yet remains faithful to the essence of the story. And there is always a point to drive home. Here it was about relying on God's strength and His ways and His directions. Sure need to hear that now. And have Larry the cucumber and Bob the Tomato say the simple words... God loves you and made you special seemed so rudimentary yet so comforting. Doesn't everyone wants love? Acceptance? Why do we try so hard to look elsewhere?

Yeah... trusting God ... and waiting for His surprises... =)

Pre-Move

Hmm... found this blog post that was never uploaded. This was written when I was packing before moving house this year:

Feel like it's an 80's / 90's revival as I browsed through the boxes of cards... woo hoo! I feel loved. Wow. That people actually took the time to write to me. WOW. Nice, esp when I'm feeling like that. Ha. Ooh... the quirky and quaint things of the era - stickers, characters, colours... the people who repeatedly wrote... the people who cared, loved and was God's hand extended at terribly difficult moments at home at school. Just felt like my life flashed back twenty years... oh yes... not forgetting letters from past boyfriends (*guffaw*) & letters from 'buddy' at JC (LOL). Good memories.

Hmm... sense something NEW is going to take place. Am shocked that as I read my past journals, some of the issues are still the same, post 10 years... need to do something about that... Maybe that's why I settled on painting my room green - a new beginnning...

contrasts

some contrasts i love...

being a liberal fundamentalist

being an idealist realist

Quote of the day

"People need targets, goals, aims - visions. Otherwise they become lackadaisical, lazy, complacent, parochial and ineffective" Malcolm Widdecombe

My sentiments. Exactly.

I like reading. Somehow reading something you are feeling/ want to express paraphrased soothes. Strange.

Relaxed.

What a nice day... I don't feel like gg back to work tomorrow. Thinking of the pace... and gg to the gym tom and feel tired already. grin.

Feel so relaxed. Feel happy.

Today was a nice pace... waking up ... heading to the supermarket and buy stuff. So thankful for the vouchers... God provides... so I can bless. Truly. Happily buy the ingredients without worrying... and it was awesome.

Glad to be focused on planning and getting stuff together. And reading. And sorting. And just blogging. hahahahahah

Ooh... I had lots of fun making the bread and butter pudding (my first attempt) and also some lemongrass beef marinade that ended up looking like rendang. Yum. Heh. So glad the bread and butter pudding was a hit! Happy. It was really easy to make. And glad it touched many. hee. I LURVVVVVVVEEEE my cheap toaster oven. Yay! Yummy... I like bread and butter pudding too. Next time, I will make the brandied choc sauce that goes with it. heee hee. The lemongrass beef marinade was good. But something was missing. Some tang and some kick. Could have added more lemongrass and some lime. Hee hee...

Just glad to hang out with family... and talk... and feel cared for, loved and supported. Just to connect, chat and laugh together. Very precious. =)

counting blessings

things have really been really tough this week. thankful for some encouragement:

- had lunch and hung out with an ex-colleague yest. was really good to talk through some stuff back at the old work place. Gave me a better perspective of what things were/are. beyond that, was good to hang out with him. He has always been a great elder brother... always taking care of me... and I can trust him to be reliable, on time and there. what a privilege to be a friend of him.

- things at office has been really tough and painful. But... the good things are that beyond work... my colleagues are a bunch of joy, fun and oozes wackiness together. super fun. and its quite amazing that we can connect both on a crazy level but also on a philosophical level which is rather uncommon. =)

- life may be tough... but if it is fruitful... it is worth it. am skimming through a book... and read about the difficulties a couple had to go through, esp the wife. And realised that out of their kids, 2 were the famed John and Charles Wesley who really changed history. Yup... hoping deeply that the series of prolonged pain I have to weather... will really bear fruit into something that will last, something that will leave a legacy. As of now, I believe my life has inspired many... and pray that it will continue to do so. I want to endure to the end. God help me.

Gathered thoughts

On travel

Everything I come back, I feel like the slate is clean again. Time to recreate.

On consistency

My 1st 5km run on the treadmill taught me the joy of keeping in rhythm. It was strangely cathartic seeing the logo on the treadmill flow in and out. Some stability is good.

Sweet Saturday

I feel satisfied.

haha.

The whole week was rather challenging and was just going from one activity to another. So many plans but no time to execute.

Happy. Stayed at home the WHOLE day. What a privilege. What a comfort. What a luxury.

Today was to sort, so I can plan and action. My room is finally back in order. After my parents decided to redo my floor and moved out all my stuff. Many things were in chaos after which. Now... my book shelves are in order. Now... I know what books I need to read and which to return. Hahahahahaha...

Scrubbed my toilet... and now its all clean.... hahahahahaha....

I made my first Chinese clear soup today - a combi of bittergourd (bleh, dun think I'll ever use that again), potatoes, onions, carrots, mushrooms and chicken. Turned out ok. Added a dash of vinegar for some twang. Roasted a drumstick marinated with rosemary and pink perppercorns. Ooh... I love my oven... the skin is a golden brown and tastes yummy! It looks like the map of Aust. Ha. so glad I cleared out the fridge this week... now I'm enjoying the fruit of my labour. Hahah. Knowing what I have and what I can use. and NOT buying anything else (which I do sometimes, buying something without a specific use just because its there)...and maximising what I have. Hee hee. Happy.

Find myself having a new determination and focus. Glad. Yes, a lot more land to conquer. Let's start with the finance pile... ...

TGIF!!!!

Its FINALLY the weekend

Waited for this for the whole week.

Happy today - I realise changes are best implemented immediately. Was really frustrated that I was tired and was waking up late Mon-Thurs. Decided to do something about it. Stopped using the comp post 11 and went straight to bed by 12. Woke up nice and early this morn and was fresh. Brought a book and read some of it at breakfast. Sounds like a good idea. Should do this more. Am attempting to sleep early and wake early. Go walk/run too.

Went to the gym today - yay! Feel more focused and determined =)

Yay!!!! Its the weekend!!!!!! I have time to do interesting things and tackle things that need to be done... and plan!!!! Yay!!!!! I'm really happy!!!!!! Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!

Moved.

Very interesting season ... of catching up... ever since I came back from the long trips. Guess its been a long time... of venturing out and also getting involved in different things.

Met a lot of coos peeps these two days... yest at a wedding and today at yet another housewarming party. My heart feels moved. Slightly emo. Thinking back on the goodness of God and the ways their lives have touched mine. Their love, their acts of kindness, their personalities, their prayers, their dedication and passion. The times we spent together, the trips we did together, the work we all did together and the fun we had. Much of it is in HK, doing production, hanging out, having a coke and just roughing it out at times. Thankful.

I feel blessed. My heart is so moved. So thankful. So happy. These are the times one looks back and feel that the painful journey is worth it, when God gives such friends along the way.

Thank you, Papa God.

Moving in Hope and Loosening Expectations

Moved office today. Was really fun. Kinda mixed feelings. I want to stay because of the relationships, the excitement, the happy vibe & culture (and of course a new place). Yet there are a host of pull factors elsewhere too... If I were to go... will definitely miss this bunch of crazy peeps! All of us are just 'odd' in some ways. LOL.

Had a wonderful chat with a great friend of mine. Think we know each other for a good 12 years. Such friends are precious. How we've journeyed so much together...and hung out so much in the past. Tonight was good to reconnect again... and to just laugh at our romantic encounters and recount how we both thought about going out with each other but never did. Funny how the people we encountered... were either similar to each other or wishing they were more like each other. Funny. Find that I'm less expecting of this friendship and letting it go more. And finding that by having it loose, I find freedom. So glad he walked me home, really glad for that. Really touched my heart.

Read this from an article "Neither expecting much, both hoping everything." ... and answered my question that day - How do I not expect yet hope? Sure hope I can reach this stage soon. For all that life is ahead.

Await.

I am sustained. By friendships, by love, by pure grace.

Learning to be loved. Daring to embrace being loved. Risking my fears to receive love. Realising I am worth loving. How many of us can truly be so free to dare to be loved? Sometimes loving others is easier as we think others are worth more than us.

At the bus stop this morning, the wind blew and dried leaves fell down from a tree, just like it would be like in autumn (just that the leaves are not golden maple coloured). I felt comforted. It was a picture of renewal. Like the cells in our bodies. Rest, change and something new arises. Beautiful. I realise the Christian life is so rich... there are so many analogies and parallels and the Bible is full of graphic details and stories... Wat a privilege to follow the Creator...

Hmm... was searching for a folder and came across some files from my freelance days. Remember how difficult those days were. I comforted myself by reminding me of the benefits. Hmm... perhaps that is the tension. The tension of holding the bitter and the sweet, the beauty and the pain, the elevation and the depreciation. That life is to hold these experiences in tandem... all at once. In hope that one day... surely, the ugly ducklings will be beautiful swans... everything, every aspect. Oh how I long for the day. No wonder creation groans.

Awaiting. For perfection. Meanwhile... I grow and accept yet fight.

Smile Baby Smile

I carry an ache with me. A longing. A yearning. Waiting to be fulfilled. Waiting to be surprised.

Today is good. Sustained. Grace. Favour.

I like running. I find myself pushing on better. With greater determination, strength and perseverance. But beyond self motivation/ positive thinking, I know the source is way bigger than me. The force as some would call it. To me, its the Source. Of living waters that never run dry, of constant companion that never departs and anchored hope that never shifts.

Thankfully, I feel a lot more focused. That happens when people are in pain sometimes. Sometimes somethings need to be channeled somewhere. Ha. But I run to my Father. That's where I am soothed.

Shot a short video today and edited it by the night. Very happy with it actually. Quite funny that I'm kinda chill about some things nowadays and things just work out. Ha. Maybe if I 'try' lesser, I get better at some things. Ha. Perhaps its the surrender, the letting go, the 'rest' in my Father that I can soar and be free. This is abundant life. Being free. Totally.

Learnt how to tie guitar strings whilst waiting for videos to export. (Yay I learnt something new today). Life is very much like a guitar string (yes, I philosophise a lot)... to be in tune, the right tension needs to be there. Life is living out different tensions... knowing when/what/who/how to hold on and when/what/who/how to let go.

Finding my tension. *smile* life is beautiful.

Tune in.

Reading "Heat"... I like the combination. It is not fiction yet it feels like a novel. Journey of a cook. Really a good read. Funny and real. Very Ratatooooeeeeee. ha.

Kinda lazed around tonight... nice. Been a pretty emotional week. Glad I can wind down. Got lots of stuff to do tomorrow... yet want to swim... chill and visit a new born baby. Oh yes... I need to see my cousin's baby too... hahaha.... S-L-O-W-L-Y.

Yup... swinging back to the rhythm of Singapore. Yet also retaining the Sabbath. Happy. I feel I'm not returning to the old but starting to carve a new. Changing the photos on my wall and also the stuff my display board. Replacing them with new ones! Am wearing new clothes and experimenting with new styles. Still playing with my travel photos. I love travelling......... and there's always this process of fusing the old and new.

Glad things at work is picking up. Really glad. It has been so painful and difficult. But... all things will work out well.

There is but, just an ache.

Normalizing.

i think blogging helps me to normalize.

i really feel very strange adjusting back to singapore. met a friend for work and to catch up just now. and then after she went back to office... i was left walking around... wanted to go to Carrefour to pick up tuna and bread but was just too tired too. sigh... not back into the swing of cooking yet. want to, but feel tired. Listening to her is like listening to the practical singaporean mantra too...

yeah. i feel tired. i feel weird. i feel like singapore is so distant. i'm trying to resist the pressures of needing to get more, be more, be accomplished, on top of the game, being seen, being attractive etc. guess its easier when its another country or culture... where these 'rules' don't apply. My JC teacher wrote in my report book that I normally work on my own pace, unfazed by pressure. Ha. Yeah... sometimes I'm free sometimes I'm not. I want to be totally free.

feel like i'm floating... feel like i'm in limbo... feel like my feet is not on the ground yet... i think i adjust to a new place faster than adjusting back. i dunno why but cleaning my toilet, doing laundry and packing my room and my stuff makes me feel more settled. I've been hiding in my room quite a lot, don't feel like talking to my parents much. Just want to be quiet, by myself... Guess I've been out a lot.

Going to the gym today was weird too. I feel like I'm back but not really back. Hmm... I think I need another week (hopefully) to normalize. Think I took a few weeks last year to adjust back after my 3 week Australia trip. Ha.

perhaps the hardest thing is to face the things that were left behind... and now to deal with again. so much resistance. needing to let go of somethings & people, being patient with some situations and looking forward to new things. yeah...

but thankful that there was enough Grace for today... smses from friends, a MSN conversation from a father figure from down under, a catch up time with a dear friend whom I've not seen a long time, a nice green dress to wear to work, yummy waffle treat and getting rubber bands for hair from Cotton On at a steal. I felt like I was in Australia. Ha.

i think the human heart is so full of yearnings, longings... indeed... we have eternity carved into our hearts. but first... let me get through tonight... then tomorrow... life can be good and be better. I'm glad I have some Hope.

little things. big things.

(little things make me happy. this little assembly of the memorabilia from the US trip just brings good memories. I am happy).

wat a day. another day of attesting to the faithfulness of the One who never leaves nor forsakes.

another special day. a day of fresh revelations, words, healing, freedom and grace amidst the utter brokenness of the soul. the thirst. the longing. the desperateness.

my heart is recovering. my heart is breathing. my heart is healing. I am alive.

miracle.

Just got back from another birthday celebration.

It was a 30 year old celebration. Ha. Just amazing, I love this church family. Truly. So much warmth and affirmation. The words spoken and love given tonight, I really wonder how many people in their lives actually get to hear it before they die. I think I've learnt to be generous in letting another person know how special they are and how much they mean to me... coz you never know when they will not be around... and how much they need it.

A dear dear friend of mine gave me flowers through a mutual friend. That really cheered me up. Sometimes words are not enough and flowers seem to say a lot more. That really touched me... to know that God really cares. Deeply. Extravagantly. And this friend is a full time worker living on support. Her generosity is really from Him. (Thank you my dear, this means a lot to me). Besides, they were colours I love. Heh.

Beyond that, what stunned me was what the friend who passed me the flowers said... she said "Beauty brings life". That to me, brought a closure to the loop of yesterday's episode. That out of the sufferring, there was beauty. And the practical me went "so what? it is so intangible? Can there be something more practical?" Now it makes sense. Beauty is so essential... because it draws out the very substance that makes us go on... life. That it brings, highlights, births forth our lifeline. Without beauty, life is bleak, painful, horrible and worthless. It is beauty now we see that pushes us on... it is beauty that points us to Beauty... and also the final redemption.

Was listening to a podcast... and it was on "Christ and Cancer". I liked it. It strips pain and suffering bare and illustrates a response that is reasonable. What I really gleaned from it was the response to sickness even if God chooses not to heal... is that He desires the best for us. And faith is celebrated in Heb 11 not just when there is apparent victory/breakthrough but also the joy & confidence through suffering. I think I need to trust His sovereignty and His heart to me. Despite the difficult journey and seemingly endless challenges... I need to trust that all these years... are for the good of me... and for my life to bear fruit. That my life has not been futile, but fruitful in producing beauty, speaking beauty, seeing beauty and expressing beauty. That all these frustrations are highlighting things that eventually I can be free of. That through it all, His love for me is the deepest, the greatest, the loveliest and the grandest.

5 A.M. Beauty and Pain

Had supper with friends and was fun, celebrating a friend's birthday. Heh.

Came back... journalled and started crying. And just went on crying and crying and crying. Was good actually. All the un-named emotions of futility and aloneness just came out. Facing the deep, real pain deep within. A word came... "beauty" ... yeah... despite the pain for such a journey... I've experienced a lot of beauty. I've grown in beauty, appreciate beauty more, reflect Beauty more and created beauty. Beauty - fuel for life. A rose is beautiful, yet not without thorns. A broken life can be full of thorns and thistles, yet not without moments and times of beauty.

Was about to fall asleep... then yet another painful incident happened. Another quarrel outside. Sigh... my soul feels tired. My strength is weak. Yet I know... there is a potential for beauty or an outlet of beauty.

All these painful things will lead somewhere. Will generate something. Will be worth it. There's a greater hope. Of things to come. I feel like I'm beaten so I can be strong... like steel. My heart needs to live on. My tears need to dry. My pain needs to go.

I remember a friend that crossed my path recently and realise that its Provision. It was a glimpse of safety, a time of respite from the storm, a cocoon of joy and a sense of being taken care of, a hope of what's possible. Just what I'm longing for. Great just to taste what it means to be safe, happy and taken care of, even if its just two weeks. Longing for heaven. Longing for the days where we can roam free, where there's no tears, no quarrels, no fear, no brokeness, no broken things and pain. Where there is total freedom, joy, feasting, dancing, beauty, safety. Can't wait to get there. Meanwhile... on earth... things will be mixed.

Browsed at my photos... they make me happy... that life can be so painful... yet... it can be so beautiful. Bittersweet.

today. today. today.

hahah... just came back from Botak Jones. Yummy. Had a fantastic time with my colleagues.

Today was much much better. Less angsty and grumpy. Actually enjoyed the day. Maybe because I'm more at peace. Yeah... posted my photos online last night and am happy with them. Glad to read a blog by Karen Cheng about her turning 30 and the host of responses she got. Then I realise... that a lot of my frustrations was also to do with the expectations of turning 3-0. Not too sure why the big fuss over it, but perhaps it marks a milestone. Glad to just find out why I'm so angsty. And the perks of being 3-0 soon. Figuring what I want. Finally. Then... also had to settle in my heart about something dear... to be prepared to let it go... that things may not work out. And be patient. Yup.

Glad to make the day of a colleague by giving him Transformers pix I took from NY. And hey! I received another button! From the sister of my other colleague who gave me the orange and green buttons yesterday! Yay! Made me happpppyyyy!!!! Heeeeeeee. Sure made it easier to start the day. Yeah... one of the colleagues mentioned that it was rather quiet without me around... aw.... I feel useful. ha. Had lunch with the new gal in office and two other colleagues. Nearly fell off my chair laughing... with some new game idea that involved some typical sing characters. OMG. It was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FUNNNNNNNNYYYYY!!!!!! Sure made the day easier to go by.

Doing casting today also and was just fun looking at other's bios and having a good laugh at their emails, their cheesy photos, their unique skills (like raising one eyebrows, cracking knuckles, moving ears etc) and eyeing the good looking ones. LOL. Kinda fun. Ha... and also running commentary from the colleague beside me made it even more entertaining.

My gosh.... am sleeeepppiiieee now... after the wonderful Cajun Chix, Cajun Fries, STUFFED JALAPENOS(!!!!), Mango Magarita, Sol with Lime and Ceasar's Salad. I'm STUFFED and SEH....

Giving myself some leeway to adjust back... one week... before coming back full on to normal schedule, bills, mail, cleaning, packing etc... Kinda doing it here and there now... but still allowing myself some Kaya Toast, Teh (with milk), Fried Bee Hoon. Next week will be back to home packed sandwiches! Ha. At least I'm hitting the gym two times this week *Pat on back*.

Gotta sleep soon... tom's long day!

orientating back

Now I feel it. Back to real life. After such a long break. Its really weird getting back to the issues present before I left. Back to the noise. Back to life as it used to be. Life feels different, yet the same in some ways.

Pending decisions. Same frustrations. Demands.

Back to eating simply - as opposed to tasty food at Viet. Back to the gym - working out, training for a run. Back to work - fulfilling duties and ironing out the mundaness. Back to people's weaknesses. Back to parents' den. Back to the shopping malls. Back to wanting more.

Today was really tough.

Glad that someone gave me these two badges - made me feel happy. Glad that I could get a massage courtesy of the company. Feel rewarded for my trek in Viet. Glad there's still mango sorbet in the fridge.

Adjustment. Think I'll take the week... at least... To emulsify. To amalgate. To reconcile. To blend. To craft. To chart.

I feel happier thinking about the friends I made overseas. I feel happier thinking that life is not a problem to be solved, but an adventure. Am scared. Yet excited. Conquering on!

Back.

glad to be back. Back in my room. And my toilet.

super sleepy now... gg to konk off soon...

what a day... went back to work... trudged through the day... came back and read a lovely book called "heat" - a well written journey of a wannabe chef. Funny. Reminded me of Ratatouile (I'm sure I'm spelling it wrong, too lazy to google).

watched some Veggie Tales... LOL... it cracks me up. Esp the one when Bob went for a vacation. Funny, yet delivers the truth. Loved the silly song about having no belly button - how it simulates a band... somewhat like U2 and the MTV in boy band style. Amusing...

Sometimes life... can be light... can be heavy too... feel its time for a change.

Courage

phew... its finally the end of the week. heh.totally sleepy. yet feel so full and fulfilled both physically and emotionally

had supper after prayer meeting and it was SOOOOOOO GOOOOOOOOD just to eat Sting Ray, Otah, Bah Chor Mee and Chix Wings. Woo. Perfect supper food. and best part is - i met two friends I haven't seen for a long time. a dear little gal whom I really dote on. prior to this... it was really good to be with YCers and also just to see them, hug them and just chat. I really feel home. YC is such a special place.

i feel free. just to be myself. i feel free from reins. I feel i have stepped out across the line and dare to have the confidence to be me. That was fun. And I feel a liberation to give others the freedom to be themselves. Beautiful. Good stuff.

its been a long time since i really chat with this deep dear friend of mine. somehow I felt free to reconnect with him with silly jokes and silly actions and later evolved into deep questions, theories and discussion. Many things still need to be discussed but... he poked at something that I need to address. Not being satisfied or content. I realise through him I am always looking for the next destination, the next thing to conquer... the next, the next... God, I want to be free.

Yes... I still need loads of courage to walk on...

Jet Lagged....

Thought I would not have jet lag... but... ha... got it a bit. Had loads of fun at Linda's wedding... glad to spend some time with Qing Hwa... miss her lots... she's gg to go...

argh... awoke at 430am and can't get back to sleep =(. gotta go work later... ... hope I can stay awake... but glad for this trip... just so many happy memories... am really happy. many lessons, many revelations and deeply I feel refreshed. I'm glad I took this trip up. Really. Some things just can't be explained. Esp the matters of the soul. Sometimes healing comes in interesting ways like music, good food and beautiful friendships.

i dun really want to go home

just played word games with the double ns here in NY...

feel like i'm in hall in uni... was real fun... and we were eating the apples we picked last week. Heh. Fun.

dun really want to go back to Sing... back to the challenges, the real work and life itself. just really savouring the moment... here on this laptop, with the yellow light shining down, great pals around... like this communal thing... sigh... when is it my turn to stay overseas?

dreamy and drifty.... sigh... i really don't want to go home...

Live.

I love bein in NY.

My soul tingles... to hear LIVE... the sounds that are familliar, near yet far. Now, its right before my ears. Just came from a live Jazz performance at Cornelia Cafe. Wow. To hear the sax, the tailing off... to hear the edginess of the electric violin. And the running bass..... Ooh... a taste of heaven.

Earlier in the day, I heard a busker sing "Unchained melody"... it went straight into my soul... that crispness in the voice, that longing...beautiful

What was memorable was also the afro-american lady from Hairspray - when she sang, when the notes vibrated, I felt a lift in my soul.

All this is terribly healing... I so desperately need this.

Looking forward to more sounds and sights tomorrow.

Soul Food

Really really glad to be in NY

Woke up today... feeling rather dreamy.... glad we're taking it slower today... less walking... took a cruise up and down. Boy, both of us are sure 'untouristy' tourists. heh

Even yest... walking through the touristy streets bored us... yet when we went to a few lanes similar to "Haji lanes"... it was sooooooo enjoyable. Quirkeeeeeeee

wheeee!!!! went to Toys'r'us to sit on a ferris wheel.... and sat on a swing the other day at Central park... ah.... nice... to be a kid again........

just so nice to soak in fun, beauty and to take in all these sights and sounds... to be in such a diverse place... to be at the birthplace of so many things that are familliar and near... yet far in the past are right in front of me. Audrey Hepburn in Tiffany & Co., Meg Ryan at Cafe Lalo, to be in the middle of Times Square, to see Manhattan at night, to see NYPD cars... oh my. And to hear... the African Americans SING! The lady at Hairspray... when she sang, I feel like crying. Today... this young lady sang at the American Folk museum.. such simple lyrics yet so soothing to the soul... with her is a drummer on the beat box and an electric double bass guitarist... Wow. Blew me away. I love acoustic gigs like this. I love the beats and the bass notes mingling with each other.... I love how the light voice and discordant guitar chords blend in...

Being here... really whets up such an appetite for soul food... for the deeper things within... the things I had to put away, bury or ignore... can arise and be awakened.

taking a bite of the Big Apple

been here for a couple days... walked so much and seen so much that it seems like days. fun fun fun... really enjoying myself. some hiccups here and there... but nevertheless... wonderful

still find myself feeling like i'm on a constant movie set. ahhahaha.... like everything is so familliar.

really glad to catch hairspray today... remember i always wished to catch Broadway since I was a kid... and now, I get to do it. WOW.

okies.... sleeeeeppyyyyy

ahead.

I like the Tiger Woods Accenture Ads. They're smart. Heh. Perhaps I'm drawn to it because I'm in the stage of thinking :
What do I want? What do I stand for? What do I want to see now and in the future?

http://www.accenture.com/Global/About_Accenture/Company_Overview/Advertising/Print_Advertising.htm#Focus2

Quite inspired by Phil Cooke's Change Manifesto


Change, when it comes, cracks everything open.
-Dorothy Allison

Henry David Thoreau said, “The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.” He was talking about the search for change, and the sad truth that most people have simply given up on the possibility. Gandhi said, “You must be the change you wish to see in the world.”

I believe that everyday, people settle for dead-end jobs, lower lifestyles, less money, and destructive relationships, all because it’s easier to ignore changes that could transform their circumstances and change their future.

The fact is, change is hard. It’s difficult to do well, and it’s even harder to develop a lifestyle of change. That’s why I’ve dedicated my life to helping people, organizations, and corporations understand the power of change.

Change is here, and change is happening whether we like it or not.

Andy Warhol said, “They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.” This isn’t small, because I’m talking about making changes in your life that will help you discover your destiny.

---------------------------

A good mentor friend told me: when you at a crossroad, elevate to see the horizons. Less you die.

interlude

just had fried egg sandwich AND... coffee ice cream with choc sauce and baileys...MMMM.... finally after all these years... am using more baileys...

gonna buy rum back to make brownies...

throw. clear. clean. a new start

another reason i like travelling is that it is a milestone for me - a point where the old ends and the new begins.

reason to trash, renew and start again.

=)

adventures.

Hmm... this morning was quite an adventure...

The heavy rain and the howling wind kept me up last night... struggled to crawl out of bed to see my dermie. Set me back some money... but glad for her. I see her every two years... and due to less stress (or better mgt of it), my skin has greatly improved.

Kinda proud of myself. First time I took the car on my own not knowing definitely where to park... manage to squeeze the car in some parking lot in Orchard and also at Lavender. And... I only managed to get horned twice. heh. Phew. Happy mom is not in Sing and Dad uses the car in the afternoons. Heh. Love last week's drive to the airport... it was a similar feeling as running in the wind. Wow. Love that!

Quite an adventure at the immigration office... hmm... this travelling thing has become so much more complicated... got to check aerosols, got to make sure the passport is machine readable or biometric etc etc. But kinda good, I feel more grown up. Heh.

Glad I have this whole day to myself - need to do the laundry, pack up, pack for the trips, read, I NEED A NAP! and clear my laptop space for more photos. heh.

Of Rats and Men

Finally (*deep breath*)... I can BLOG!

The whole week went in a whirl again - with all kinds of prep for the trip. Jabs, dermie appts, tkfully found out my passport needs renewal (!) and work.... ....... Last week was the week of housewarmings... heh... thought I could sleep in tom... but looks like the first half of the day is running errands...

Hmm... think I really got a lot closer to my colleagues this month... I don't really know what happened but somehow it did. There were better conversations, sillier jokes, theo discussions, magazine swaps and good food. I love the movie outings... and this round, it was really fun to have them over Ratatouille. Its just real nice to have friends cooking together (esp they were such good cooks) and just everyone chipping in. I had a surreal moment... like in the movies.... where at a moment, the character is present yet fades into a "slow-mo" moment where I heard the laughters at an echo. I felt happy. I like the sound of laughter in my home... as opposed to the many sounds of heartaches and pain... Maybe its a way of creating better memories at home...

Glad things at work could tie up (and I can leave in peace) and was really touched some of my colleagues prayed for me. Yup... definitely hoping to find some direction.

Hmm... watched 'Amazing Grace' again tonight... it is stirring. The first time I watched it, I felt all so gung ho after that... plus the stories I was reading about social reformists. However this time... I felt like Wilby... when he felt like after fighting all these years, nothing changed and he felt like giving up. That's where I am. Ok, I haven't fought all my life... but at least a good 4 "prime" years. Which is a lot, to me. Through the movie, I asked myself what was I fighting for? He was fighting for the abolition of the slave trade and social reformation. Jamie Oliver fights for better British school dinners. What am I fighting for? What changes am I rooting for? What degrees of changes do I make everyday?

Honestly, I don't know. Hope to find out in the travels these few weeks. Hope to get a clearer idea. Hope to find my hope and vision back. Maybe like Ratatouille, I get to realise my dreams and achieve what seems unconventional and impossible.

Simplicity.

Smart people always make everything harder than it needs to be.
- Gail Blanke

provision

most times when we think of provision, it is always adding...

Jonah changed my mind. In there, God provided a whale and a worm... to... EAT Jonah up... to EAT up his vine. And THAT is provision. =)

Grace to aid us from messing up. Grace to help us to grow.

Jehovah Jireh.

A glimmer

Feel happy yet heavy.

And glad for a trace of hope. A good deep friend smsed me 'out of the blue' - perfect person to speak to regarding my situations.

Glad that threads come...

Hope the sunshine comes after the rain soon...

persist.

The beauty of growing older is the greater understanding of time. This week is good - am very encouraged by journeying, persisting, persevering, pressing on and to know that this road I'm on, is not destination based. One question I asked myself was - have I been asking the wrong one? Should I be asking - how well have I followed Jesus versus what have I accomplished? Should I celebrate my growth rather than beat myself up over my weaknesses? Big visions don't realise in a short time, sometimes not even in one's lifetime. Good. I feel happier. God of hope. God of certainty. God of sheer inspiration.

Interesting days - went to PSA building, sat around the corporate boardroom and discussed about a puppet video. Strange. And the view is amazing - could see a bird's eye view of Singapore that tourists don't get to see! (They should start collecting entrance fees). Today's shoot was at NUS - spent a good 2 hours just waiting for the crew to come back as the van was parked at a season parking lot. Well... at least I got to read up on my Viet trip. Heh. And yum... what is a good production day without a good meal to round it up? Had Mee Goreng and Roti John (sinful sinful) at the Tg Pagar railway station (which I found out was not state land) ROCKS. Yum yum yum.

It's gonna be a packed weekend... next week too... gotta see when I can squeeze some time to run... missing it...

...

In this life there will always be things you desire but cannot have.

latent

wish i have 4 more hours. or more. wish i can sleep less.

i want to paint. i want to create.

i want to sleep. ha.

happy to cook. happy to make colourful salads with different textures.

happy to sit here and type. happy

hmm... catched a MTV interview... wow... the editing is so fun... so many options. it was as if the editor tried ALL possible combinations... of angles, windows... was more fun watching the form than the content. i like graphics. i like mixed media.

la la la... just nice to do something without having to feel responsible... to write something with a purpose... heeeee wheeeeee

ok back to earth... got to budget. hahahahahahhahaahahahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. i'm 29.

Day by Day

"Day by Day... day by day... Oh dear Lord, 3 things I pray. To see Thee more clearly, love Thee more dearly, Follow Thee more nearly, Day by day"... ringing in my head. My fav song from Godspell.

I like today. Started with a headache that thankfully went away. What was interesting in my gym session was 2 things - working out my back for my posture (which I have been wanting to correct)and also got to balance on a ball (which I'm totally freaked out about). Hmm... whilst doing the excercises...it really was one of those moments in time that goes through a time freeze. At those moments... it meant far more than leg stands or doing reps or sets. It was priceless. I have bad posture physically. My heart too. Can be too cynical. Really need to set it right. And I had to confront my fear of balancing on something that moves, something that is unstable. And I did. I learnt to trust gravity. I learnt that to be stable, I need to assign weight. I need to lean. Yes. It was a spiritual lesson at a least imaginable time.

Sigh... maybe I think too much. Maybe I should just create. Day by day. Bought sketch books and black markers, ready for my trips. =)

Nice to catch up with some old friends. But kinda feel like I've nothing much to say. Just don't feel terribly excited. But just like a mentor of mine said... our lives can't be a bonfire all the time, we'll be consumed. But all it needs is a steady flame... that never goes out. Dim it may be at times... but still burning. Perhaps that is where it is now. I'm thankful though, for so much time to myself - to read, to draw...

Caught a superb movie... it was artistic and funny. Brilliant. Focused on time freeze. I realise I do that. Time freeze. I get into my zone at times. I love travelling scenes... I loved the movie... captured many of my emotions and aspirations. It was indie yet beautifully shot and the transitions were brilliant. It was video amongst photographs. It was imagination. It was about beauty. It was about dreams. It was about roughing the mundane yet holding strong dreams. It was about being captured, enthralled...

Got so inspired... and on the way home... I decided to just make sure I'm creating... continuously. Picked up a marker I bought earlier and drew on my wall. Heh. 1/2 done. Was really afraid at first, felt the same way when I tried to balance on the ball... but continued... and I'm so happy I took the step. Always wanted to draw on my walls. Now I can. Have the chance. Pursue it. I am creating... day by day.

storeroom in order

i feel a sense of accomplishment - finally packed up the messy storeroom. I like travelling. Coz before that it gives me the impetus to get some parts of my life in order. It is like a bookmark. Or the end of a chapter as I am starting a new one.

I packed, washed, sorted, throw... somehow throwing away things is rather cathartic. Feels good. feels like I'm moving on. feels like i'm shedding baggage and weight.

Packing up extended to washing the toilet, changing my bedsheet, dusting my art stuff and also checking my warranty for my broken camera - which I need to FIX! going to use my lomo cam tom too.

yeah... still a few more milestones on my list to go... but I'm getting there... for one... I'm really happy I'm finishing the books I've bought... and magazines etc. Kinda less time to roam nowadays and that's good, coz I use more of what I have instead of getting more and not using them. Glad I am using my sports wear and not just window shopping for them. Glad I am creating and not just looking at new software. Different seasons, some are to shop/browse, some are just getting down to doing it. Maybe it's also my journey of moving on to another decade. Grin

half a piece of leftover cheesecake

today is kinda not the usual kind of day

yeah - it's national day...

woke up close to 12 - last night was real fun - just gathering together to pray for Singapore - saw many many good friends, some made over the last 2 years, some over the last 5-6 years and it was just beautiful. Thankful for friendships. Thankful for people. Thankful.

dragged myself to Holland V and was fun just to start planning for the NY trip... hahaha... had a headache... that went away... phew... I like steamed milk with hazelnut syrup at Starbucks... glad they had wireless there... heh

went home and SLEPT. gosh... I knew I was tired... but yeah... I was really tired... woke up in time to catch some NDP...

mom took out a piece of fish... and I had to think of how to cook it - did a lemon-garlic-chives-parsley baked fish that was not too bad. too bad the cream was spoilt. duh. can't they sell smaller portions? hahaha. whilst waiting for the fish to bake... i ate some leftover cheesecake from my cousin's birthday...yum. can't wait to try the NY one...

love my frankie - hmm... maybe i should subscribe to it... so whimsical... so artsie... so fun... sigh... i would really like to move overseas... for a while...

hmm... watching my aunt's funeral service now - on DVD sent over from Australia. Amazing. The DVD is well done. Ok ok... beyond the tech and design details... wow... real touching... to hear the eulogies... to see the different expressions of my cousins... and also to hear so much of a life well lived. Wow. I have a godly heritage. She was the first to follow Christ in the family. And I just saw her last year... and despite her illness, she gave me ang pow money... such a giving person.

And wow... what a timely word - God will not give you a dream and crush it. =)
I'm inspired to press on.

home alone

finally had some decent time alone this week... it's totally weird to stay home sat night but ha... that's what i did. hahahah

anyway...

had a good day

spent some time with a friend/mentor/father figure dude who dropped by over the weekend... miss the whole family... haha... anyway... yeah... was good to just eat lots of jap food together and ice cream... and be reminded of charging how much time is worth, having passion and deliberately investing in it over the years. yeah.

good good.

this 29-30 journey is SUPER interesting. this whole week is just full of reflection and relating what has happened over the last 29 years. Had a conversation with an ex-colleague and that lighted something in me. It gave worth and made sense of what I had accumulated the last 6 years of my working life. Wow. I do have a lot of experience. Many things seem to come together - like a good piece of advice from my colleague- that I should not just look at what I do not have but my experience, my brains, my knowledge. Wow. And finding my own voice , own sound (from my jazz research and history) and finding out what is me. Amazing.

I think I'm ready to move forward. Feel a lot more confident than ever before. Maybe its a process of being 30 soon - knowing who you are, what you want and going for it.

Rebuilding is complete. Time to branch out.

Walk On

Couldn't sleep last night - realise I was trying to do too many things. Ha.

Feel a bit more grown up today - realised that I need to pray, prioritise and be realistic. And structure for things.

I want to play the piano and paint - need to allocate time for that.
Want to finish a couple of books - need to start on it.

And really glad for the changes I've made - saving money by cooking dinner, packing sandwiches for breakfast, saving on magazines, excercising regularly - a dream I had for years! And also allocating set time for meeting friends etc - like today. Awesome. I feel more in control.

A part of me really want to meet up with many more friends but time is limited - need to think of a new way...

Just glad I've grown... and will continue to *big grin*

Consistently consistent

Hmm... very happy. Have been working on my consistency quotient and haha... am making small steps ahead. Less discouraged. haha... I manage to FINISH a lip gloss pot. Ooh. Heh. Happy. I've consistently used it and resisted lots of temptation to buy new lip smacking potions. Ha. Ran today. Thumbs up!

Made Beef Kebabs for dinner - Yumz. Need to turn up the heat in the oven... and also need to buy dark sauce! hahaha salt stood in... Yum yum... had the idea from the chix kebabs I had at Timbre.

Ok... let's work on reading the $$$ mgt... *feeling adult*

Adventure.

my fav sport to watch is snowboarding. Esp the females.

Love the rhythm. Love the dare. Love the suspension in mid air.

A friend sent me this link: a HD short docu on snowboarding. The snowboard flights are amazing: http://www.alternaactionfilms.com/

Hope that this sport is retained in the new earth. Heh.

Quote of the day

"Outside the will of God there is nothing that I want, and in the will of
God there is nothing that I fear." (A.W. Tozer)

opportunity

there was a jam this morn along the ECP...
finally had a chance to take this photo... of multiple cranes... ha...

too sleepy...zzzzz