This song comforted me lots when at times I'm searching, thirsting, yearning. These are the times of intimacy with Him.
A broken spirit - He does not despise.
No one else knows - By Building 429
Lyrics:
My world is closing in
On the inside
But I'm not showing it
When all I am is crying out
I hold it in and fake a smile
Still I'm broken
I'm broken
Only one can understand
And only one can hold the hand
Of the broken
Of the broken
When no one else knows how I feel
Your love for me is proven real
When no one else cares where I've been
You run to me with outstretched hands
And You hold me in your arms
Again
I need no explanation of why me
I just need confirmation
Only You could understand the emptiness inside my head
I am falling
I am falling
I'm falling down upon my knees
To find the one who gives me peace
I am flying
Lord I am flying
When no one else knows how I feel
Your love for me is proven real
When no one else cares where I've been
You run to me with outstretched hands
And You hold me in Your arms
Again
I have come to you in search of faith
Cause I can't see beyond this place
Oh You are God and I am man
So I'll leave it in Your hands
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
Monday, September 27, 2004
Redemption
The choir boys - a French DPS (Dead Poets Society) remake proves to be very heartwarming.
Clement Mathieu is so like Jesus - who see a bunch of "Beautiful letdowns" (as Switchfoot will call it) and brings us into our destinies.
Who loves. Who cares. Who gives. Who redeems.
No Jesus, no Jael. I would probably be wasting away now if not for Him. Probably be into lotsa destructive stuff.
Glad He found me and took me into His choir.
Choir gal Jael.
Clement Mathieu is so like Jesus - who see a bunch of "Beautiful letdowns" (as Switchfoot will call it) and brings us into our destinies.
Who loves. Who cares. Who gives. Who redeems.
No Jesus, no Jael. I would probably be wasting away now if not for Him. Probably be into lotsa destructive stuff.
Glad He found me and took me into His choir.
Choir gal Jael.
Why not women?
Mulan- typical of many women trying to prove their worth.
Sad. But true.
Women from of old weren't even treated as human beings, though we were created equal and in the image of God.
Women - God honours and love women. Many need to know that. We don't need to prove our worth - we already have that.
Me too. Learning.
Been thinking about feminity and womenhood... how to be a women in the current time? Where sexy = feminine. The more you show, the more feminine you are. Bigger your boobs, more slender your waist, flatter your tummy, longer your legs, the better. Just look at the ads in the papers?
Why is there so much conformity to the 'perfect beauty'?
When can the reflection in the mirror be a true mirror of who we really are?
Sad. But true.
Women from of old weren't even treated as human beings, though we were created equal and in the image of God.
Women - God honours and love women. Many need to know that. We don't need to prove our worth - we already have that.
Me too. Learning.
Been thinking about feminity and womenhood... how to be a women in the current time? Where sexy = feminine. The more you show, the more feminine you are. Bigger your boobs, more slender your waist, flatter your tummy, longer your legs, the better. Just look at the ads in the papers?
Why is there so much conformity to the 'perfect beauty'?
When can the reflection in the mirror be a true mirror of who we really are?
Ohana
Finally living my age - catching up on old movies yeah!
Caught Lilo and Stitch. Ohana caught me.
Ohana means family - Nobody gets left behind... or forgotten.
Family. Ugly duckling finds family.
Me found family.
Caught Lilo and Stitch. Ohana caught me.
Ohana means family - Nobody gets left behind... or forgotten.
Family. Ugly duckling finds family.
Me found family.
Monday, September 20, 2004
Live larger
Having this recurrent thought - we were made for so much more.
Live large!
This is a generation of significance, not survival.
A generation that questions and will find the answers that living life - is not about us, its about God. Its for Him and people.
Ginny Owens - Something more
I've spent half my lifetime
watching time go by
And wonderin' where it went
And when I try to fall asleep at night
I lay there feeling spent
Contemplating what the next day's
Gonna hold for me
Tossing, turning
My mind is churning thoughts won't let me be
Every morning meets me
With a list of all I have to do
And every evening greets me
With the knowledge that I'm never through
And every taste of success
Makes me vow to never fail
Feels like I just chase my tail
*chorus*T
here's gotta be something more
Than running circles for a living
Gotta be something better
Than just trying to survive
Gotta some more important piece
That I am missing
Gotta be something more to life
If every picture tells a story
Mine must be a mystery
Cuz I lose sight of who I am
And who I am supposed to be looking back at what I've built
and all that I've acheived
only leads me to believe
yeah
*chorus*
tired of these hopeless places bored with my earthly things
so i must fill my empty spaces with the love that heaven brings
Live large!
This is a generation of significance, not survival.
A generation that questions and will find the answers that living life - is not about us, its about God. Its for Him and people.
Ginny Owens - Something more
I've spent half my lifetime
watching time go by
And wonderin' where it went
And when I try to fall asleep at night
I lay there feeling spent
Contemplating what the next day's
Gonna hold for me
Tossing, turning
My mind is churning thoughts won't let me be
Every morning meets me
With a list of all I have to do
And every evening greets me
With the knowledge that I'm never through
And every taste of success
Makes me vow to never fail
Feels like I just chase my tail
*chorus*T
here's gotta be something more
Than running circles for a living
Gotta be something better
Than just trying to survive
Gotta some more important piece
That I am missing
Gotta be something more to life
If every picture tells a story
Mine must be a mystery
Cuz I lose sight of who I am
And who I am supposed to be looking back at what I've built
and all that I've acheived
only leads me to believe
yeah
*chorus*
tired of these hopeless places bored with my earthly things
so i must fill my empty spaces with the love that heaven brings
Sunday, September 12, 2004
Rainbows of Love and Dreams
Watched "GenerationHope" again. For the 3rd time or so.
God reminded me what He impressed so deeply when I watched it at Missions Xchange.
+Memory - that though I had forgotten about them, God did not.
++ Love and Dreams - who will paint a rainbow for the poor and needy?
The video opens with a song sung by girls who were poor - " I can see a rainbow" ...
When Lishan, the gal who filmed and edited that clip when interviewed said "Who will fill their rainbows"?
That really struck me. Rainbows are very special to me - Father God has always used rainbows to remind me of His love.
Read an article recently in the Straits Times where they featured young children forced to work at a young age. When these kids were interviewed, they said their dream was to go to school.
That pricked me. Here I am, having a chance of a lifetime to fulfill my dreams step by step. What a privilege. As I thought of the kids, I just wish I could also tell them we have a Father who makes dreams come through. I wish I could build a school for them. Who will fill their rainbows? I want to.
I want to be a channel for Father's love and character to flow through. I want to help make dreams of the poor and needy children come through. I want to.
I want to learn to live in Singapore - balanced. Not ascetic nor luxuriant. Not over sensitive nor hardened. I want to be tender. I'm glad that the theme for J21 is serving the "poor and needy" this year. When I read the papers, I feel human. I want to cry. When Father pours more of His compassion, I feel. I feel sad. I don't ignore the news. I don't shield myself off from them. I cry. I pray. I participate.
I wonder what Father would have me to do in my life... the rest of it ... to serve the poor and needy... and to see them to Christ. I'm normal. I'm afraid. Would I die tortured? Would I suffer illnesses? Would I be terribly lonely? Would I have the courage? Would I pay the cost?
I'm no heroine. I'm no superwoman. I'm just Jael. Wanting to do my part. Lord, lead me on. Would you?
God reminded me what He impressed so deeply when I watched it at Missions Xchange.
+Memory - that though I had forgotten about them, God did not.
++ Love and Dreams - who will paint a rainbow for the poor and needy?
The video opens with a song sung by girls who were poor - " I can see a rainbow" ...
When Lishan, the gal who filmed and edited that clip when interviewed said "Who will fill their rainbows"?
That really struck me. Rainbows are very special to me - Father God has always used rainbows to remind me of His love.
Read an article recently in the Straits Times where they featured young children forced to work at a young age. When these kids were interviewed, they said their dream was to go to school.
That pricked me. Here I am, having a chance of a lifetime to fulfill my dreams step by step. What a privilege. As I thought of the kids, I just wish I could also tell them we have a Father who makes dreams come through. I wish I could build a school for them. Who will fill their rainbows? I want to.
I want to be a channel for Father's love and character to flow through. I want to help make dreams of the poor and needy children come through. I want to.
I want to learn to live in Singapore - balanced. Not ascetic nor luxuriant. Not over sensitive nor hardened. I want to be tender. I'm glad that the theme for J21 is serving the "poor and needy" this year. When I read the papers, I feel human. I want to cry. When Father pours more of His compassion, I feel. I feel sad. I don't ignore the news. I don't shield myself off from them. I cry. I pray. I participate.
I wonder what Father would have me to do in my life... the rest of it ... to serve the poor and needy... and to see them to Christ. I'm normal. I'm afraid. Would I die tortured? Would I suffer illnesses? Would I be terribly lonely? Would I have the courage? Would I pay the cost?
I'm no heroine. I'm no superwoman. I'm just Jael. Wanting to do my part. Lord, lead me on. Would you?
Feast. No crumbs. Banquet.
Throughout this year... this theme runs... just keep developing... like a story...
In KY family camp... God showed me a part of Him that I needed to know - His full generosity. The theme of the camp was "In His Presence" where the invitation was to feast in His presence.
He was so real... during 'worship'... He showed me strawberries and I cheekily asked for it to be dipped in choc and then He showed me tables and tables full of it. And He said - eat all you want. The next session, He showed me ice cream... and then endless tubs of it.
At KY a month ago, also during 'worship', I saw a rose. And then He showed me fields of them and told me that He will give me all the flowers I ever want.
His generosity. His fullness. His desire. To give so much. Overflowing. Not witholding anything.
And then CP launches the 40 Day Purpose driven Life. As I was doing the design, the theme 40 day adventure came for the youths... and the tagline: NO CRUMBS. That we were not servants that we needed to eat the crumbs of the Father's table. But we feast with Him. We have a rich inheritance! We can live life to the max! We want the real thing. We live a purpose charged, energy pumping, full life. Not gonna settle for anything less. That was also confirmed by Rev David Palmer who spoke on that passage.
No crumbs.
Tonite, at J21 9-11 prayer concert... Siew Lee spoke about God having a banquet. Where only a minority was served and many were not. Those were not could only watch.
That really struck a chord that we as a generation, was to share our Father's generosity. Not just eatting and overeatting and stuffing ourselves silly because the food is continuous and just never stops. We are to give. We are to feed the ones that were not served. We are to share with them our Father's generosity, that they may know that they can live a purpose charged life. That they may have hope. Just feel like crying. May we go and feed them, clothe them and love them.
In KY family camp... God showed me a part of Him that I needed to know - His full generosity. The theme of the camp was "In His Presence" where the invitation was to feast in His presence.
He was so real... during 'worship'... He showed me strawberries and I cheekily asked for it to be dipped in choc and then He showed me tables and tables full of it. And He said - eat all you want. The next session, He showed me ice cream... and then endless tubs of it.
At KY a month ago, also during 'worship', I saw a rose. And then He showed me fields of them and told me that He will give me all the flowers I ever want.
His generosity. His fullness. His desire. To give so much. Overflowing. Not witholding anything.
And then CP launches the 40 Day Purpose driven Life. As I was doing the design, the theme 40 day adventure came for the youths... and the tagline: NO CRUMBS. That we were not servants that we needed to eat the crumbs of the Father's table. But we feast with Him. We have a rich inheritance! We can live life to the max! We want the real thing. We live a purpose charged, energy pumping, full life. Not gonna settle for anything less. That was also confirmed by Rev David Palmer who spoke on that passage.
No crumbs.
Tonite, at J21 9-11 prayer concert... Siew Lee spoke about God having a banquet. Where only a minority was served and many were not. Those were not could only watch.
That really struck a chord that we as a generation, was to share our Father's generosity. Not just eatting and overeatting and stuffing ourselves silly because the food is continuous and just never stops. We are to give. We are to feed the ones that were not served. We are to share with them our Father's generosity, that they may know that they can live a purpose charged life. That they may have hope. Just feel like crying. May we go and feed them, clothe them and love them.
Saturday, September 11, 2004
Tying my shoelaces when I'm ready
Just watched Raising Helen with my couz today. Watching Helen evokes many similar things I'm facing...
Like where she yells at Pastor Dan about how she has to sacrifice so much, losing her job, her social life, her disposable income etc so that she could raise her deceased sister's children.
Well... me've been trying... trying to get things together... in this new season. Tackling things that I rather hide and pretend that they don't exist. Also transiting. Also accepting. Also tussling with conflicts. Balancing. Surrendering. Loving what I do yet miss the bright lights of the media advertising industry. The feeling that I am in control. The feeling that I was one of the best and uprising media planners. The money that I was earning. The parties. The priority passes. The corporate clothes. The J21 and CP kids' ministry 'successes', people knowing me, people looking up to me. I belonged. Somewhere.
Versus: The repititive portion of a website that I was doing this week. Sometimes I feel that I have to stoop so low mentally just to earn this bit of money? Sigh. For my part time job - Feeling like a small fry in a big organisation. In KY and CP, no formal ministry, no voice, no platform, no consistent mass group of people to give out all that is stored within me. Versus wanting to be in KY but need to stay in CP. I don't know where I belong.
Having to learn that my identity doesn't come from how much I earn. Its just hard when you don't have much money. Having to learn belonging. Wanting to be part of somewhere but finding myself in many places. Enjoying the flexibility and mobility yet yearn for the stability and consistency. Just wish there was a good balance of enough mobility for freshness and enough stability for my soul's sake. I just want to settle down. And yet move around. . Heh. Wanting to belong but circumstances don't facillitate that.
Its so hard to feel so small. Its hard to feel nomadic.
Not much money. Not much looks. Not much skill for the current jobs. Not much ministry. Not much anything. Dunno where I belong.
Father God... I need you to be my security, identity, significance and stability. Just feel like a wreck at times. I need to be home.
Trying too hard to be perfect. To be the best videographer NOW. To be the best flash designer. To handle this transition best. To contribute and balance my best in the 3 churches and J21. To have it all. To have my cake and eat it. To surrender a love. To choose love over jealousy. To be content. To settle down. To do big things. To speak and reach vast audiences. To impact lifes consistently. To want to be perfect now. To want all my dreams fulfilled now. To make it 'big'. To me 'something' or 'somebody'.
Yet this season is also of ::Sense and Sensibility:: and also the ::Martha:: in me going through a ::Mary:: season. To learn and accept unmerit grace, love, slower pace, lesser expectation. To learn to love and spend time with people. To put the more important things above. In quietness - to ponder, to reflect, to discuss, to discourse, to inherit, to internalise. To put pillars and foundations in my life. To listen. To observe. To learn. To respect. To honor. To think through. To cherish. To process. To understand. To store up. Quietly. Sensibly. Ha, but missing the spontaneity of mine!
Help me know as what Sarah in the show needed to know: I don't have to tie my shoelaces now. I can tie them when I'm ready. That I don't have to strive to be perfect in my new field now. The big shoes I'm wearing now... you show me how to tie them... that one day I can tie them myself and walk comfortably in them. That I don't have to have it all together.
Like where she yells at Pastor Dan about how she has to sacrifice so much, losing her job, her social life, her disposable income etc so that she could raise her deceased sister's children.
Well... me've been trying... trying to get things together... in this new season. Tackling things that I rather hide and pretend that they don't exist. Also transiting. Also accepting. Also tussling with conflicts. Balancing. Surrendering. Loving what I do yet miss the bright lights of the media advertising industry. The feeling that I am in control. The feeling that I was one of the best and uprising media planners. The money that I was earning. The parties. The priority passes. The corporate clothes. The J21 and CP kids' ministry 'successes', people knowing me, people looking up to me. I belonged. Somewhere.
Versus: The repititive portion of a website that I was doing this week. Sometimes I feel that I have to stoop so low mentally just to earn this bit of money? Sigh. For my part time job - Feeling like a small fry in a big organisation. In KY and CP, no formal ministry, no voice, no platform, no consistent mass group of people to give out all that is stored within me. Versus wanting to be in KY but need to stay in CP. I don't know where I belong.
Having to learn that my identity doesn't come from how much I earn. Its just hard when you don't have much money. Having to learn belonging. Wanting to be part of somewhere but finding myself in many places. Enjoying the flexibility and mobility yet yearn for the stability and consistency. Just wish there was a good balance of enough mobility for freshness and enough stability for my soul's sake. I just want to settle down. And yet move around. . Heh. Wanting to belong but circumstances don't facillitate that.
Its so hard to feel so small. Its hard to feel nomadic.
Not much money. Not much looks. Not much skill for the current jobs. Not much ministry. Not much anything. Dunno where I belong.
Father God... I need you to be my security, identity, significance and stability. Just feel like a wreck at times. I need to be home.
Trying too hard to be perfect. To be the best videographer NOW. To be the best flash designer. To handle this transition best. To contribute and balance my best in the 3 churches and J21. To have it all. To have my cake and eat it. To surrender a love. To choose love over jealousy. To be content. To settle down. To do big things. To speak and reach vast audiences. To impact lifes consistently. To want to be perfect now. To want all my dreams fulfilled now. To make it 'big'. To me 'something' or 'somebody'.
Yet this season is also of ::Sense and Sensibility:: and also the ::Martha:: in me going through a ::Mary:: season. To learn and accept unmerit grace, love, slower pace, lesser expectation. To learn to love and spend time with people. To put the more important things above. In quietness - to ponder, to reflect, to discuss, to discourse, to inherit, to internalise. To put pillars and foundations in my life. To listen. To observe. To learn. To respect. To honor. To think through. To cherish. To process. To understand. To store up. Quietly. Sensibly. Ha, but missing the spontaneity of mine!
Help me know as what Sarah in the show needed to know: I don't have to tie my shoelaces now. I can tie them when I'm ready. That I don't have to strive to be perfect in my new field now. The big shoes I'm wearing now... you show me how to tie them... that one day I can tie them myself and walk comfortably in them. That I don't have to have it all together.
Thursday, September 09, 2004
A Season of Quietness
Going through a season of quietness. Perhaps the renovation God is doing in my life already causes so much noise that deep within me, I just stay quiet.
Its funny. To see yourself quiet. Normally chatty, chirpy and many times like a "energizer rabbit" turn recluse (?). I guess I'm just processing deeply. Deep in thought, deep in brokeness. Guess the butterfly had to stay still when it was still a caterpillar mothing out of its cocoon.
Didn't say much at a super good friend's birthday party last night.
Stuttered often recently.
Struggled to introduce myself last night at a J21 pre-concert run through.
Such a stark difference. From the Jael who was speaks her mind. From the Jael who presented million dollar media plans. From the Jael who speaks passionately.
Maybe God is humbling me. From the corporate gal. From the "I can do it all" gal. Reduced to nothing.
Trusting a new confidence will emerge. Trusting that my identity in God is so rooted that nothing shakes it. Trusting Father God.
If it takes a season of quietness to let God do whatever He need, let it be.
Its funny. To see yourself quiet. Normally chatty, chirpy and many times like a "energizer rabbit" turn recluse (?). I guess I'm just processing deeply. Deep in thought, deep in brokeness. Guess the butterfly had to stay still when it was still a caterpillar mothing out of its cocoon.
Didn't say much at a super good friend's birthday party last night.
Stuttered often recently.
Struggled to introduce myself last night at a J21 pre-concert run through.
Such a stark difference. From the Jael who was speaks her mind. From the Jael who presented million dollar media plans. From the Jael who speaks passionately.
Maybe God is humbling me. From the corporate gal. From the "I can do it all" gal. Reduced to nothing.
Trusting a new confidence will emerge. Trusting that my identity in God is so rooted that nothing shakes it. Trusting Father God.
If it takes a season of quietness to let God do whatever He need, let it be.
Tuesday, September 07, 2004
Monday, September 06, 2004
Realist Idealist
Space. To roam. Space. To collect ideas. Space. To explore.
That's what I did today.
Just seems like what I'm collecting is bursting out of its seams.
I want to be. I want to be. I want to be. I want to be. I want to be.
A designer. An artist. A photographer. A font creator. A fashion desginer.
I want to. I want to. I want to. I want to. I want to. I want to. I want to.
To create. To evoke beauty. To call out compassion. To jolt. To have my own label. To add meaning. To change. To make a difference.
I will. One day. Because I have a Father God who gave me dreams. Dreams that are maps and His blueprints. Blueprints with His fingerprints.
Sandcastles become real castles with a real princess. My King stays there.
That's what I did today.
Just seems like what I'm collecting is bursting out of its seams.
I want to be. I want to be. I want to be. I want to be. I want to be.
A designer. An artist. A photographer. A font creator. A fashion desginer.
I want to. I want to. I want to. I want to. I want to. I want to. I want to.
To create. To evoke beauty. To call out compassion. To jolt. To have my own label. To add meaning. To change. To make a difference.
I will. One day. Because I have a Father God who gave me dreams. Dreams that are maps and His blueprints. Blueprints with His fingerprints.
Sandcastles become real castles with a real princess. My King stays there.
Fresh Taste from a Timeless Classic
Had a hectic weekend with a speaking engagement ( and the drama that went along) + a friend's mother's wake + a splitting headahce the night before...
Was glad to have breakfast with my Father God. Writing and pouring my heart out to Him.
And listening to Him from an old Psalm. With a fresh interpretation in my current circumstance.
Wow. A fresh taste from His word. Wow.
Just energises my whole soul and being. Woo Hoo. Suddenly, like a tide that comes in, I'm refreshed.
Suddenly, I could face the whole world again.
Was glad to have breakfast with my Father God. Writing and pouring my heart out to Him.
And listening to Him from an old Psalm. With a fresh interpretation in my current circumstance.
Wow. A fresh taste from His word. Wow.
Just energises my whole soul and being. Woo Hoo. Suddenly, like a tide that comes in, I'm refreshed.
Suddenly, I could face the whole world again.
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