gelato colours

what a nice slow day

maybe i had party overdose. ha. declined a party tonight. needed some sanity. ha

was good. sleeping til 11am, slowly just break into the day.

had pasta with chicken soup and enoki mushrooms. Nice and light. Liked the food the night before, but alternating with something light is good too.

Dunno why I'm blogging about mundane stuff. ha. it was actually nice to do some housework - cleaning up my room, washing overdue clothes and pack all the stuff that has been strewn around due to the back-from-Timor-straight-into-party-season.

Actually I know why we need special breaks like Christmas. Its unlike CNY where you NEED to spring clean and keep your room clean and pristine so that aunties that come into your room will have no dust when they swipe it across your piano. Christmas is cool coz its chill. A homely affair, yet not pompous. One when you can drop and go. Messy rooms, no problem! There's a special ease and a special warmth. Its also like a BIG year end treat - bold red with deep green; gingerbread man, yummy coffee, tasty food. Just feel relaxed. Maybe I like the ang moh stuff better. Ha. As opposed to chicken soup mee sua I suppose. Ha.

Yeah... so with all these partying... and the little space I allow myself to just eat a little more, sleep a little more, enjoy a little more and rest a little more is TOTALLY lovely. Ha. Of course shop a little more, drink a little more and prance around a little more. Ha.

But just glad for today. Kinda puts the balance to the jet-setting week. Quieter. Just me and my computer. Just me and my magazine. Just me and my TV-channel 16. Like it. Need it. Need the space. Gelato colours also need to be balanced out with neutral hues.

Holiday School Gal

Woah... so glad I took the week off. Ha.

Had my first pedicure today, thrown in with a manicure. Love it! What a treat from one of my best old time friends. Love her. Wow. I'm so thankful. I have white toe nails (liquid paper toe nails)... with my toe having flower motifs.... OOH... pretty pretty... but funky funky... having bubble gum pink hand nails. Ha.Barbie doll colour. HAHA. Yeah... love these colours... am so NOT the black or dark purple kind. Too goth for me. Just can't carry off the 'street' look. Colour sporty funk can. Haha. Anyway... was really a nice time... being girly... I think I'm becoming more girly... *giggles*

Hmm... wanted to buy dresses yesterday... walked around Orchard... could not find any... but today... HEE HEE found two dresses... a nice orange batik one and a princessy turquoise one. After my pink hawaiian dress... realised I like sundresses and I feel comfy in them. keke. Not too bare. But pretty. The turqoise one needs a little altering... but its really pretty. Hmm... given me a couple of years back... dun think I would have bought it. Just look at the 'can can' frills at the bottom!!! *omigosh* I've changed!!!!! Guess I was really utilitarian and minimalist. Ha. Until I realised that God likes me. God likes beauty. That beauty is NOT a luxury but a neccesity. That it is an expression. It comforts. It invites. It is enjoyed. That stained glass exist to reflect Him. That nature sings. Because He is BEAUTY and He draws us in and blows us TOTALLY AWAY!

Guess I had been too utilitarian... coming from my family background... glad to let loose. Glad to learn to enjoy without guilt. Never did much all these years. I suppose I had to be adult to hold the fort at home. I needed to be strong. I needed to study. I needed to be responsible. I never could really play or be a kid. But now I feel I can. A new freedom. A new joy. A new heart. That knows play, fun and enjoyment without fear, guilt or restrictions.

Felt like a 19 year old poly gal on a holiday... in my denimn skirt and flip flops... having a good swim and then heading towards Holland V. Heh. I think I'm redeeming time. The lost times. The time when I could not be my age. When I could not enjoy. When I was not allowed to. Painful. But this time is really freeing. So so so glad I have this time. Really.

Feel like a holiday... stress free... yet in Singapore... just swimming in the nice warm sun... meeting a good old pal... having my Christmas Starbucks Toffee coffee ( a yearly tradition for me) ... shopping( guess its great having the spending power too...not like the school days... felt so guilty for spending money coz my family was not rich) and just doing whatever I want... playing X box til late last night... going for parties... coming back late... sleeping late.... waking up late... no deadlines... going to Sentosa to read a book... blogging now... ha... lovely...

Yeah... after the intense Timor trip and the Christmas shopping and card writing... its good to let the soul breathe... to be nourished. A good time to face issues too... on wrapping up the year and preparing to face a new one. A new adventure.

Its beautiful to grow. To see positive changes. To see myself softening. More loving. Less controlling and utilitatarian. Less uptight. Less stifled.

Looking forward to deeper roots and more beautiful blossoms and fruit in 06 and beyond!

To infinity and beyond!!!!!!!

Princess Jael

went around with my boss to pick something pretty for his wife for Christmas. Was real fun. It was quite a strange sight... 3 of us carrying loads of techy equipment... walking into elegant jewellery stores looking for something dainty. Hehz. He finally settled on a purple gold ring.

His gal got her ears pierced and he got her a new pair of flower earrings too. (*ahem* of course with my recommendations *heh*).

Got home. And was glad in my heart yet also slightly jealous. Glad because it was such a sweet thing to do. Lovely. A woman will always be a woman. To love beauty. To like dainty things. To enjoy something special in such a way. And a man to recognise that and to make an effort to do that for her. Kinda like how he says he will climb over the moon just to catch a star for her.

And as a father too, to just give something pretty to his gal... is so special... wished my father did that too. To affirm the feminity... the longing to be a princess... that its ok to like pretty things and be a princess. John and Stasi Eldredge in "Captivating", tells a story of how this set of parents celebrated the birthday of Carrie and goes on to say "Her father whispered to his "Little Princess" that he loved her. Life for Carrie was closer to life as God meant it to be for every little girl. She knew her father cherished her. She was his princess. He was her knight in shining armor. He wanted to spend time with her. Hers was a world where her father protected her, her mother nurtured her , and she was enjoyed. This is the soil a girl's soul was meant to grow in; in this was the garden her young heart was meant to flourish within. Every little girl should be so loved, so welcomed - seen, known, treasured. From this place, she can become a strong and beautiful and confident woman. If only that was how if was for all of us."

Yup. Sometimes I really wished I didn't have to go through all I had too. I wished I had a father who spent time with me, bought pretty things for me... that I dun have to go through so much heartache that I go through.

Was hanging out with his daughter these few days and I noticed she always wore a princess tee. Sleeping beauty, Ariel... and I asked her... who was her favorite princess. It was Cinderalla. The book also mentioned: "Have you ever wondered why the Cinderella story keeps haunting us?... All those legends and fairy tales of the undiscovered Princess and Beauty hidden as a maid are more accurate than we thought. There's a reason little girls resonate with them so."

The book is lovely. It unearths the desires. Dangerous but freeing. Draws out the vulnerability. To point to the right Source. Well... watching this family in action is healing. Knowing I have a BIG Daddy God is awesome. I am significant. I am worth gems. I am a pearl in His hands.

His desire is for me

pain pain pain.

the last 2 days ... different incidents and conversations have triggered pain pain pain. Pain because of unfulfilled desires. Pain pain pain. cry.cry.cry.

but strangely, i'm glad. because i'm brave. to open up the box of desire. to open the box of dreams. that were dusty, with cob webs and left at a corner. think many people lived ALL their lifes like that.

yeah... it does evoke pain. but i think it is temp. and facing and acknowledging my desires open up to new things.

Awake our souls. To adore Beauty and be beautiful. To see dreams come true because the Dreamgiver gave them.

Dunno how this journey will eventually work out... but I know it will be a happy ending. Call me naive and whatever, I dun care. I know the One who holds my hand in this journey is trustworthy. Many of my dreams have came true already. Awaiting for the rest to be.

One day I will not be crawling in the cocoon, but flying and flapping my wings like a butterfly. One day I will not flutter, but soar. One day. That today is a new day.

Value driven movies

Hollywood movies are just becoming too stereotypical. Am enjoying non-hollywood movies a lot more. Maybe because they have more positive values and offer new angles and ways of seeing things.

Think excerpts from this article speasks what's on my mind...

---------------------------

Hollywood's Disconnect

Writer, critic, and radio host Michael Medved
(http://www.michaelmedved.com/) wrote an intriguing piece in USA Today
regarding Hollywood's reaction to the very significant box office slump
the industry has been experiencing. Medved claims that Hollywood
continues to deny the spiritual dimension at work with the audience.
While the studios invest in stadium seating, digital & 3D projection,
and IMAX versions of movies to save itself, Medved believes that the
issue is really about values. Surprisingly, after The Passion of the
Christ earned $370 million by reaching out to religiously minded
viewers who had long avoided movies, there has not been another similar
major motion picture since.

The right idea of surrender

We soon find it all but impossible to live the Christian life with our own strength and goodness. It is through God’s strength that we know courage, and through his power that we know goodness. When we realise this, surrender becomes our priority. In seeking to unite our will with God’s more fully, we don’t want a fixed blissful union with him, one that is filled with passivity. Surrendering to him means growth and progress. It is the freedom of moving forward with and through him, so that each of our relationships and all of our work, worship, suffering and play reflect what he wants of us.

- Judith C Lechman

Saying Yes and Saying No

one of my best friends never fail to give me kicks in the butts when i keep saying yes when i should say no.

learning to say no is tough. but it's been one of the most liberating things in my life

learnt somethings new from this guy names David Oliver -
"Saying Yes, means saying no to something/someone else".

Ooh... yes... we all have limited resources.

What a gem to keep in my heart.

encounters with caterpillars

had a great break! was a week of challenges and somewhat failings due to technical issues. Was a tough week. Glad I had a break to a small town in Malaysia and got to a beach resort.

Had a great time! The company was fantastic, could not ask for more. Haven't had so much concentrated fun for quite a while. Ha. Seriously, why would anyone need to rely on alcohol and gambling just to have fun? Alcohol numbs your senses and responses and makes you look and sound STUPID. Sure, you have an artificial high that yeah, does bring happiness. Yet it harms the body, wastes money and yeah... quite pointless. Gambling brings out the competitiveness and the need for a destination which is rather similar to work. Having fun without such props is really fun. Played silly games, had deep conversations, laughed at our responses to the never-seen-befores firecracker lookalikes and just really looked out for each other. Wow. Or the simplest splash water and sand on each other formula works equally well. Wow.

I love the space of the land, the sea... love it...reminds me that God holds the universe. If He does that, He holds me too. How the waves crash upon the rocks. How the rocks have a pattern of erosion. How the waves come in. Had loads of fun just playing with the waves. Jumping over it, letting it wash me to the shore... heh... it was really fun. How we saw sand crabs that were so nimble... I could almost hear the sound effects of little bells ringing. Wow...saw a hornbill for the first time. It was cute. Furry legs... hopping around... big beak... but it soars beautifully. Wow. God, you made birds to fly with so much dignity. And you said we will soar with you. Wow. And the fish under the sea... eating bread from our hands... sea urchins lurking on the sea bed.

Yet... my favourite nature encounters was with caterpillars. Was swimming in the pool... had a chance to be alone... as they all went to shower and I was waiting for my turn. Was just frolicking in the pool... resting by the side... then I saw some furry thing walking on... it was furry... had many legs... and cute feelers that were like antennaes. Ah... a caterpillar... I followed its trailed, being so amused by its walk... and then I met another two. Was totally amazed at the pattern on their back. One was just brown, the other had red dots, yellow and brown blobs on its back. The last one I saw just had yellow and brown blobs. Wow. It's like having a glimpse of what they will become. What they will transform to be.

Always loved butterflies. Because they speak to me about transformation, metamorphosis. Now, having to see caterpillars, really just blows my mind. About how they are crawling, having a semblance of what they will become and sure enough one day, they will be a beautiful fluttering, flying butterfly. Wow. Just blows my mind. Just gives so much hope and freshness. Thank you God for this special encounter with the caterpillars.

learning to let go, learning to say no

i'm glad.

learning to really grow beyond who I was.

sillyly i forgot to take my money after taking my ATM card... duh... that's the FIRST time such things have happened to me. Guess I was really focused on a project. Was quite frustrated and angsty... but heard God say "Let go"... hehz... took me a while, just had to keep CHOOSING to obey and let go. Initially I did, and it just became something to laugh at. Guess I've learnt to be more forgiving of myself and other too. THUMBS UP!!!

hehz... think I'm getting better at saying no. after lots of kick-in-butts by a good friend who NEVER fails to remind me to do that when I should. I say yes too often. Ha. Too nice and easy gg. Too much of a pushover. Too much of an obliger. Maybe I just wanted people to like me. Well... I've learnt I need to draw boundaries, pray and think through before I take up certain projects and really live a balanced and fruitful life. Am happier.

Need for focus

Like this article. With so many things to distract us and to waste our time.
Moreso we need to prioritise, focus and reflect constantly. If not our lives
will just pass away.

---------------------

As the pace of information delivery increases, we now have more
distractions than ever.

We have to juggle, multi-task and sometimes split our personality.
Herein lies the real problem about our lack of time.

We are all mere mortals and, on a personal level, can only focus on a
certain number of things at one time.

Focus is an exercise in prioritising and concentrating on certain tasks
at the expense of others.

At the company level, the buzzword is "core competence".

This was first defined by two eminent business thinkers, Professors C K
Prahalad and Gary Hamel in 1990.

It reflected the transition that companies were undergoing, from the
era of the diversified conglomerate in multiple unrelated businesses,
to the current era of focused and heavily synergistic businesses – as
manifested, most recently, in eBay's acquisition of Skype.

So, really, the world will get even smaller and the pace of life even
faster. But that should not be an excuse not to focus. - TODAY/sh 

hope in the journey

hopeinjourney
Originally uploaded by jgal.

i like this pix. the light at the end of the tunnel.

been gg through some stuff recently. and really HOPE in Him keeps me gg. Its real tough. But I can cry and cry and cry for a long time but at the end of it, I'll have a thought of hope and find the strength to carry on. It's like David when He wrote the Psalms - how he laments, complains, struggles, yet most of the time He ends off with praise, hope and courage.

Yup. Hope in Him keeps me alive.

new steps

shoes
Originally uploaded by jgal.

I think Christians must be the most versatile to change. As we are always changing from glory to glory and also moving from seasons to seasons and also moving by the cloud by day and pillar of fire by night. Heh.

New direction of the Arts. Hmm... new frontiers to conquer... new area to break into, to pioneer.

Felt God saying "trust me" last Sunday regarding this move. Really have no clue, have no 'hows', but I know He will lead and open doors. Dun even know where it will lead to.

But one day, would sure hope I'll have exhibitions worldwide and heh, dream big! But all in all, it sums up to this song: I stand in awe of HIM.

To reflect His beauty, His mystery, His splendor, His uniqueness, His majesty.

May my art reflect Him and rightly represent Him.

Why can't we live with limited resources?? Part II

Part Two. The lesson of knowing when it is enough. And how to live enough. The balance of learning to work with the current resources yet also pushing for more at the right time and right pace.

Guess almost ALL my life i've lived to max resources and pushed for more. from school and work. media planning and advertising is pushing for the max for your clients. That is good in its way - learning to push, learning to give and get the best.But I think I'm learning a new dimension.It is to accept the optimum.To say no. To accept no. That not everything needs to be pushed to the max. Learning. Still learning.

To be a realist idealist. To learn to stop, wait. rethink. And to be contented with the resources at the moment first. expansion and growth takes time.

Women - born peacemakers

Just want to celebrate womanhood.  How women plays a positive
role in peacemaking.  Sometimes women are seen as wishy
washy or soft in the corporate world.  But women also possess
qualities that adds the personal touch.  With the natural biological
make up of being more nurturing, women are just natural born
peacemakers.

I'm proud to be a woman.



Just woman to woman, a search for peace

By Dr Kanwaljit Sooin



There is an endless flow of news about the many troubled areas in the
world where conflict, war and human casualties are the order of the day.


Innumerable attempts have been made to resolve these problems but, more
often than not, the efforts have come to naught.



One contributing cause, I believe, is that the participation of women
in peace negotiations is usually overlooked.



The political leaders and others, almost always male, sit and talk and
negotiate without the benefit of the views and negotiating skills of
women.


During times of armed conflict and the collapse of communities, the
role of women is crucial. They often work to preserve social order in
the midst of conflicts.


Women make an important but often unacknowledged contribution as peace 
educators both in their families and in their societies.


They can and should play a bigger role in helping to find solutions to 
the many conflicts around the world and to prevent new conflicts from 
developing.

The good news is that in one long-running arena of conflict — the
Israeli- Palestinian situation — a step has been taken to involve women
in the peace process.

At the end of July, shortly before the start of the pullout of Israeli
settlers from the Gaza Strip, I was in Istanbul to attend a meeting in
connection with the Israeli-Palestinian problem.

In response to a joint request by Palestinian and Israeli women leaders
and activists, the United Nations Development Fund for Women organised
the Istanbul meeting.

The aim was to establish an International Women’s Commission (IWC) for
a just and sustainable Israeli-Palestinian peace.

The 35 Palestinian, Israeli and international women leaders who
gathered in Istanbul spent three intensive days discussing this matter,
often in heated debate.

The discussions were conducted under the Chatham House Rule, which
meant that all spoke as individuals and were assured of full
confidentiality beyond the four walls of the meeting room.

By the end of the third day, the women were able to overcome
differences and agree on a charter of principles for the IWC.

A key goal is to ensure the meaningful participation of a diverse
representation of women in the ongoing Israeli-Palestinian peace
process.

The completion of the Israeli pullout from Gaza is just the first step
in a long and very rocky road to real and lasting peace.

The IWC will push for transparency, accountability and respect for
rules and principles to be maintained throughout the peace process.

It will also provide an early warning of developments that might
undermine the twostate solution and activate interim preventive
measures.

It will make suggestions to bring about constructive political
dialogue, and to reframe divisive issues.

It will incorporate into its recommendations the experiences and
expertise of peace activists and organisations engaged in conflict
resolution around the world.

The IWC, which is due to be formally launched this month, also aims to
mobilise local and international support for Israeli-Palestinian peace
through public and media outreach, networking, dialogue and political
efforts and actions.

Can the IWC make a real difference in the Middle East? Yes, because a
start has been made simply by having women from the two areas of
conflict (Palestine and Israel) come together and, in over just three
days, successfully hammering out the framework for their efforts.

It was proof once again that women have the ability to cooperate and
negotiate to resolve conflict and further the peace process.

The IWC offers a model for women to get more involved in that difficult
but so important search for peace elsewhere around the world.

TODAY /ra
Copyright © 2005 MCN International Pte Ltd

Good fathers make good daughters

Fathers are very important to how daughters grow up.
Good fathers really help daughters to grow into who
they are - womanly, secure and loving. And it does
not stop there, but it passes down onto their kids
when they become wifes and mothers.

Parenting, a high and noble calling.


This song by John Mayer speaks volumes:

"I know a girl

She puts the color inside of my world

She's just like a maze

Where all of the walls all continually change

And I've done all I can

To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands

Now I'm starting to see

Maybe it's got nothing to do with me



Fathers be good to your daughters

Daughters will love like you do

Girls become lovers who turn into mothers

So mothers be good to your daughters too



Oh, you see that skin?

It's the same she's been standing in

Since the day she saw him walking away

Now she's left

Cleaning up the mess he made



Fathers be good to your daughters

Daughters will love like you do

Girls become lovers who turn into mothers

So mothers be good to your daughters too



Boys, you can break

You'll find out how much they can take

Boys will be strong

And boys soldier on

But boys would be gone without warmth from

A woman's good, good heart



On behalf of every man

Looking out for every girl

You are the god and the weight of her world



So fathers be good to your daughters

Daughters will love like you do

Girls become lovers who turn into mothers

So mothers be good to your daughters, too

So mothers be good to your daughters, too

So mothers be good to your daughters, too"

Why can't we live with limited resources??

I was post this question by my boss.

Hmm... really set me thinking. It's really radical.

All my life... it's been pushing for something even though it's not there.

As a result, things go thinner, nerves become more wrecked and there's a constant tension and failure to deliver.

I guess there's a balance - getting what we can, pushing for whatever is possible. Yet at the same time, learn to live with less or even none.

Profound.

Need to think through this more.

Jia - Family

extend.
Originally uploaded by jgal.

family.

i'm glad i have a family in church.

greenspace. go beyond.

333.
Originally uploaded by jgal.

orange and green. my fav colours.

orange and green. my favs.
Originally uploaded by jgal.

spectacles.
converse shoes.
blouse.
maybe my blood is orange and green. =)

Give me oil in my lamp.

Give me oil in my lamp.
Originally uploaded by jgal.

WOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOWOOOOWHEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!

My debut lomo pix.

Wow. I'm really very happeeeeee!!!!!!!

Been doing lots of corporate projx and have been feeling yuckx.

wanted to try lomo-ing but just somehow did not dabble into it.

went for a greenspace lomo competition, amazing race style in our very own chinatown area and it was great fun!!!!!!!!

met new friends (my friend could not join me), inspired by the new things I see, discovered many places and things I had not seen/known. It's a great feeling!!

Plus... found it. Have been taking many of these object-driven photos but lacked the edge with a normal cam. Ooooohs... with the LOMO, it just gives an extra OOPMH!!!! heeez.

Yay Yay Yay!!! On to my lomo journey.

Plus how a friend from cell group gave me a lomo!! and another friend is lending me his holga!!!!!! to shoot black and white.

feel happeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

that I'm finally doing something that is of ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!

It's so Fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

new perspective. new angles.

i think people become depressed because they can't see things in a more positive perspective.

glad i'm lifted up from my discouragement, disappointments and dents.

had a great retreat. reminded to travel light. reminded of His goodness and plans. reminded of family to go through with me. and most of all, thank God He restored my soul.

transformation occurs. these few days are NEW. no longer being down, low or having repeated negative thoughts. but new thoughts and rationales for my season. the thoughts are also from an entirely opposite perspective. interesting...

i think i'm going through a season of fallowing. there are times of reaping and sowing. but there is also a season of fallowing. the inactivity is actually a preparation period of refertilisation and restoring, so that the land can bear more fruit in the long run. Wow. Felt comforted when this thought came. Made a lot of sense of what is happening this whole long year. Feel more at ease now. If not, I just want to go back to what is familliar - the shovels, the wheelbarrows. But now I know, not now.

a fresh new thought came too... that what I thought was loss to me is actually gain in other ways. Quoting Geraldine Soh, a Singaporean Illustrator "I had no playmates and not many toys, so I spent most of my time drawing." Wow. I kept looking back at my growing up years and struggle that because I didn't have money and also of my family situation, I was deprived of many things and skills. Struggled for years. Realised now that perhaps the forced time at home was a breeding ground for my art, my honing in my skills in craft etc. And the adversities produced a strength that money cannot buy and established a faith and relationship with God, that is not easily shaken.

I suppose also that that for those who had little, when given more, are more thankful compared to those who always had plenty. Like how I've been living on borrowed cameras. When friends lend me their Digi SLRs, Videocameras, CF cards, give me a lomo, I'm really really thankful.

Something I've learnt during the retreat was this - that too many times we don't affirm ourselves but keep telling ourselves that we need to do better and better and better. I think I'm learning to be happy where I am, be satisfied more. And stop wishing I had a better figure, more money, better skills but for where I am, the journey I've been through and going through, it is good enough.

learning to accept myself.

a skirt makes a woman

heh.

have been feeling grubby and grummy with all the camera work and also the multiple deadlines I have to meet. had a great retreat and feel a lot more relaxed. Decided just to dress up. Hee. Just for fun. Just for myself. It's a great feeling to feel refreshed and also wanting to doll up.

PLUS!!!! my skin was ok and I can wear skirts that are shorter!!! Yay!!! What people take for granted like its really normal is something I yearn to do. Hee. Been waiting to wear skirts for months!!!

And I guess I've come to be more open about it. Not feeling so uptight about it. And that it's ok for my friends to see the scars. And it's also part of the lesson of accepting the imperfect me.

Ha. Went to office the next day with contact lenses, make up, a blouse, a skirt and heels. haha. was teased the whole time. "Date?" Hee. Had people who said I looked beautiful and also that I should wear skirts more often. Was a funny episode. Hee. Was fun to just surprise people too.

It's just different I guess. When a woman puts on a skirt, it just adds an ethereal quality to it, an invisible signal that says "I'm a woman". It's funny if you think about it. It's just less cloth and less sewing. But a skirt shouts womanhood. Hee.

Just bought another skirt today. *grin*

Good Enough.

I cringe every time you cut yourself down

You hide your pain like it doesn't count

So when I hear you laugh are you crying deep inside

'Cause you fall below the standards in your mind

Though you'd never deny our God's a loving God

You feel He turns away when you make mistakes

But our heavenly Father nurtures His own

To Him you matter more than you'll ever know



So let the Lord love you

Let His voice be heard above the rest

Hold on to what you know is true

And let the Lord love you



We may search for truth, but we listen more to lies

Play them over and over in our minds

Till we're left with some distorted point of view

That cripples who we are and all we do

There are times you've gotta fight for all you're worth

Stand up to the voices from the past

And as you draw close to Him the more moments you'll have

When His love overwhelms and you know it's true



That the Lord, He loves you

So let His voice be heard above the rest

Hold on to what you know is true

And let the Lord love you

You gotta let the Lord love you



- Rory Noland

broken and STRONG

just had a crying session.

its like having a limp. to keep us humble and dependent i guess.

so much pain in the family. so much pain in my own life. frustrations. anger. unfulfilled desires.

my comfort is that He hears. dunno whyI have to go through so much continually at home. trying to face the future and putting the past behind. it is so tough because so much of the present reminds so much of the past. it's like taking two steps forward and being pulled back one step. strenuous. need the tenacity. at least I'm making progress.

i dun understand. but i know this route He has given me to take will give Him the max glory. I dunno how. but i ask for joy in the midst of the pain. i ask for the satisfaction in Him. He is my strength. Hind's feet on high places.

Living out my name - JAEL - "to ascend". Am ascending. Feeling tired. Muscles are aching. Emotions are raw. Tears are flowing. Father God, make my Spirit STRONG.

"The Lord God is my Strength, my personal bravery and my invincible army; He makes my feet like hind's feet and will make me to walk (not to stand still in terror, but to walk) and make (spiritual) progress upon my high places (of trouble, suffering or responsibility)!"

Habbukuk 3:19 (Amplified)

Wrong Equations

Sigh... realise that many equations we have in our lifes... are silly.

One of mine is that if I'm perfect, I will be loved or accepted. How dumb. ha.

If I'm that perfect, I'll probably be very lonely. Because none of us are.

I need to love and accept myself.

flows out.

the arts really reflects life. it is really holistic. arts is an interpretation of life. of the experiences of an artist.

it's quite amazing that whatever that an artist has experienced flows out into the art that he/she produces.

recently did a video on a missionary who passed away. as I edited the video... I found myself adding words that I had lived the last month when Kang Fei passed away of leukaemia. I wrote via the video " May her life... and death... continue to inspire us on...".

Wow. just so amazed.

I can fail.

"Don't be afraid of failure. Have the courage to try things, to experience.
From our failures, we learn lessons and gain experiences which we should treasure because they make us a more complete if not better, person."

Ruth Soh, Singaporean Photographer

Dare to fail. Been having some knocks recently and starting to try some new things. Failing just makes me feel lousy about myself. Have to keep reminding myself that it is human to err. Have to keep reminding myself I'm loved even though I fail.

The strange irony is that failing or having weaknesses, does not make us less, but more. When we learn and just get better at doing it.

I'm loved. No matter what. I can fail.

Gratified frustrations

life is funny. sometimes i want to do something. for a long while. someone it just never happens. and the trustration mounts. and one day you finally get to do it. and wow. gratification.

glad i did the beef stew today. yumz yumz.

glad i bladed yesterday.

glad i can drink yakult now (used to fall sick everytime i drank it when i was a kid)

its GREAT!!!!!!!!

Finding myself

Watched "The Last Samurai" and found myself being moved by the display of emotions.

I realised I had changed.

Really used to be clinical, efficient - maybe its a way to protect my self, to reduce my vulnerability. Maybe I had to deny my emotions to survive in the business studies and media world. But now, I am emphatising, identifying and in my head, its the emotions that run through as I looked at each character. Maybe its because I'm delving more and more into film etc... and its really impacting lifes by moving emotions.

Wow. Thank you, God. I'm glad to have grown. Balance between pragmatism and being 'arty-farty'. Now I really think that arts and the music are really important. Have been programmed all my life to think that science and business reigns. Science and business are kings. They will help you earn a lot of money and get ahead in life. Arts, music etc are looked down upon as secondary, non-profit luxuries and NON-ESSENTIAL.

How wrong. A soul will wither and die without the nourishment of the arts. Music, dance, art, history, literature shows us who we are. It soothes and speaks to us beyond pragmatism. It makes us humane. It points to the fact that humans are NOT robots and machines. I have concluded that arts and music are totally ESSENTIAL. They are tenets and are also integral to our being. How poor someone is if the person only lives to make money or to gain more possessions!

Am glad to journey through this and found this balance. How sad I have looked down on my gifts and talents and my desires to enjoy the arts and music. How often I have wondered that my art will not make any impact. And that arts and music are just luxuries, excessiveness, unimportant, non-feasible and non-essential. How wrong have I been! Arts and music are such an important part of my life and it exists to reflect the beauty and glory of the Creator whom all creative energy flow. That arts and music speak to the soul and has the power to stir, soothe, touch, inspire and energize. That arts and music are expressions of self reflections, individuality and diversity. There is so much power in arts and music.

Am glad I'm embracing me. No more suppression, no more suspicion or guilt but freedom to soak, express and soar. I'm glad I took the step out.

literally non-literal

Read this book "Tangerine" by Colin Cheong. What a book! It was really a pleasant read. The last local book I enjoyed was teenage textbook? or maybe something by Catherine Lim. Just thoroughly enjoyed the book. Haven't had the luxury to read fiction for quite a while. I really seldom pick up fiction. Its a) hard to find something non-soppy/sensational/trashy b) takes too long too read c) americanised. But "Tangerine" was right up my alley. a) it was a travelogue ( I love dialogues/self-reflections while travelling. That's why "Motorcycle diaries" and "Lost in Translation" and "Before sunrise/sunset" are in my A-list of movies b) it was short and easy to read c) it was thoroughly local. The last book I read was teenage textbook? Maybe I read Catherine Lim in between but I think teenage textbook and now tangerine really struck chords in my heart. It was real heartening to identify with the experiences I grew up with, with the character in the book - staying in hostel, being told to pursue the Singapore dream etc while also enjoying another country that I love - Vietnam.

The book was held with one thread - Tangerines. Where it is the character, 'Nick's way of connecting with the locals. When a girl tried to sell him tangerines when he already had a bag full, he replied no. okok... love tis excerpt: "No, thank you, you're very kind, he said, in a gentle a voice as he could, hoping that even if she did no understand his words, she would understand the tone."

At this point I stopped. Many themes ran across the book that caught my attention. But this particular sentence really spoke something to me. I think I've been a ruthlessly efficient and also very straightforward person. WYSIWYG. But in that midst, I think I've missed out on the subtleties in life, holistic thinking and artistic renditions/ interpretations in life. Maybe its the business training. Total pragmatism. But now, moving into video/images/ art forms, I can't help but notice subtleties, nuances, undercurrents, sub-themes. Things that are not CLINICAL but ORGANIC and HUMANE. Wow. What a joy and revelation. I think I will still remain straightforward, but learn to appreciate the beauty in totality.

Flawed perfection

I watch Desperate Housewives and laugh at the lady (I-can't-remember-her-name) who strives so hard to be perfect. I cringe but do I treat myself somewhat like that?

I've been thinking... have I been avoiding expression just because I'm not perfect? Have been quite ashamed of my 5 cents and 10 cents marks on my skin due to eczema. Always thought I needed to be perfect before I could wear skirts. When my skin was tamer that day, I just wore one. Heh... sure felt free. Felt lesser that I cannot dive due to my sinus. Felt lesser that my stamina is not great due to my asthma and ankle injury. Felt blah that I am not the extreme sports kind though I love it. There's always this part of me that resonates with little mermaid. That I want to be somewhere else, someone else.

Think I'm still on this journey of embracing myself fully. My weaknesses and flaws. Not there yet. But I hope soon. I'm feeling freeer. Think when I fully embrace myself, I can embrace other people too and allow them to be who they are.

Maintenance

Hmm... guess when you get older you get wiser?? And journeying with God just makes me freeer!

Haiz... I think I've been living for moments. Maybe I just get bored too easily. Maybe I like to run away. Maybe I've been cooped up at home too much in my teenage years by force. Maybe its my personality. That I like the one-ofs highs but not the maintenance kinda of stuff. Maybe I like to see things round off, be completed and never having to GO BACK and do the same stuff again.

But once again... Life has its lessons. Ha. The ebbs and flows of life includes having to do your laundry, having to pack my messy-when-I-am-busy room, sorting out the paperwork, billing my clients and what nots.

I seldom cook (excluding the maggi mee or soba kinda meals) and whenever I do, I'll always try something new. Ha. Sigh. Maybe I should try to cook something twice. Ha.

Guess I'm learning to balance and to discipline. Not too bad... I've been faithfully putting moisturiser before I sleep. Now... let me work on my retainers... ha... and eye cream. And flossing.

Maybe I just never took my body seriously. Hmm... maybe I have always thought it is less important. Maybe I have not embraced my body. The I-think-I-have-too-big-hips and my eczema... and asthma... and sinus... shortsightedness... crooked teeth.... the list goes on. I think I must learn to love myself. Fully. Embrace the good and also the bad. To love myself fully for who I am. With the flaws.

The unseen

"I run on the road long before I dance under the lights" - Muhammad Ali

In our celebrity-crazed society... people want to see the wine and not the threshing. People want success fast. Impatience. Sigh. have I lived under the i want it i want it now syndrome??

Life is also about sowing and reaping. Sowing can be mundane and boring at times. But essential.

Like how Brad Bird brought out the contrast between the mundane and being a superhero in the Incredibles.

Life is real. Not in a bubble. Faith and hope do not rest on a plane that is genie like. Dreams do not JUST happen. Takes a combination. The hand of God reigns sovereign, willingness, dilligence, hard work needs to follow. Dreams are not hollow. But fleshed out.

The price needs to be paid. Wake up, generation.

Radical

My piano teacher was sure radical. She did not allow me to take exams if I was not ready. Instead of having boring practices and teachings all the time, at times she will play operas and orchestra pieces and show me the score and point out the subtleties. She taught me how to listen to different instruments. She brought me to watch Indian dance and performances to see how movement mixes with music. She taught me the history and background of composers.

When I was gg through all that.... sure did not understand. Got bored sometimes and puzzled mainly. But now I'm so THANKFUL. While editing videos, I'm able to watch out for the subtleties. I'm able to piece movement in video to music. I search for things beyond the surface. Wow. Just thankful. Awesome.

Friends

Went back to celebrate my old church's anniversary today...

Great to meet familliar people who love me, treasure me and are glad that I'm there with them. Just feel very warm. It's really a good feeling. Love them and miss them too.

Longing

Went to watch "The Mermaid" - Ballet Under the Stars.

Awesome. Like lying down on the mat, close to grass, having such a large view of the sky, clouds, moon and stars. Heavenly.

Love dance. Love the movement, the expression, the combination of that with music. Wow. The tenderness. The gracefulness. The strength. The actions that bring out the emotions. The soaring. The beauty. Wow. The stage. The props. The combination of dancers. The splendour. The grandeur.

What moved me was the expression of longing. How the Mermaid portrayed longing for the prince. So vividly. Perhaps its what we go through for relationships, things... but she personified it. She expressed it in such a beautiful way. Its like we have it in our heads. But she expressed it in dance. Longing is beautiful. It aches. But it is part of life. Ebbs and flows. Strings of our soul being pulled. Taut and tense at times. But when released, produce music. Resonance. That's why I love the cello. Can hear the longings through the sound of the cello.

We are made to long for Someone deeper and something deeper. Glad I've found Someone who truly satisfies. The satisfaction this Someone gives, outweighs all other smaller satisfactions. This Someone never fails. This is one fairy tale that truly has a happy ending. Wow. Wish I was in heaven to see this Someone now.

By the way

watched initial D yesterday. Okok... its a teeny gal and ah beng wannabe kinda of show. but heh... I like it. its funny, reminds you of teeny romance where all you wanted was hold hands, kiss and watch a movie together.haha... and it had pretty some nice shots that I liked... and it was happy. Batman begins was good but dark. I think I just needed a happy show. Just like how I prefer white wine esp rieslings over red. Kinda sweet and you know what to expect. No unexpected turns just pure fun. Dun think its boring but I guess once in a while its good to chill... rollercoasters all the time kinda robs sanity. Have also came to enjoy unplanned time. Too much activities etc... kinda robs space... glad to just chill this week... I'm loving it!

For the movie, what really struck me was this... Jay Chou's character was an unassuming hero. It's just very encouraging how that through sucky family situations, he was made resilient, responsible and also gotten really fast at driving. Kinda gave me some solace. Many times I wonder what my sucky family situations are making me out to be. Many times I see the down side to it through my struggles and pain but perhaps one day... I'll be a heroine too. Some way I believe. Perhaps in my struggles to keep the stack of tofus intact, I'm actually being trained to race. Maybe in my version is trying to keep the family sane... Hmm... I wonder what I'm trained to do?? Guess sometimes I'm too planned and too deliberate. Having things come by the way is great!

Ok... for the time being... I'm just trying to play need for speed... I'm improving... getting better at my corners. ha!

Basics

As my life goes into a relook into my fundamentals, interesting how the last few pieces of shopping are just monochromatic. That I don't find them boring. But essential.

Lighter side of life

Some things are just great.

A latte. Rosemary chicken sandwich. Yumz.

Work you enjoy.

A boss and friend whom you can connect with and talk about films, people and the world.

Black Pepper Crab. Typically Singaporean. Mmm...

Sparkling wine, gourmet dessert along the river... great conversations with a super dear friend.

Wow. Times of ease. That somehow not everyday is a raging sea. But calm. Soothing.

Nat King Cole at the background, dim yellow lights and this lap top.

Life CAN be good.

xie4 xie4 ni3

Wow. Its been a week of revelations, encounters with my Father. Am so transformed. Renewed. At the funerals. At a conference. It was not the material or the speakers. But it was Him. Who answered questions. Who challenged me. Who reminded me who I am. Soothed the disappointments. Pour new fuel. Clean the wounds. Revive passion. Removes cynicism. Brings new hope. Restores faith. To run on. Reminds me that He holds everything in His hands. Tells me that He loves me. That He cares. Asks me to be satisfied in Him. And not wander anymore. But be here. Be content. Be satisfied. In all He is.

Yes, in being satisfied in Him means I will be satisfied with who I am, where I am, what I am doing. That all I am, all I have, all that I enjoy, the relationships I have, revolve around him.

Feel the strength coming back today. The confidence to do my work. The confidence to be myself. The confidence to bless. The joy to bless. The joy to share. The vibrance. The passion.

I'm thankful. That in this suffering and pain, He speaks. That through the regrets, disappointments, anger, angst, struggles, this season of vulnerability and lostness, He shows up. He shows me who He is. He shows me that He is sovereign. He shows me that He is the master of the universe. Yet He also shows me His love. His tenderness. His gentleness.

I see myself. My weaknesses. My failings. How easily distracted I am. My fears. How I stick my head in the sand like an ostrich. How I shrink away. How much I want things my way. How shallow I am. How my righteousness are but mere rags. How I can just walk around the desert. How limited I am. How little love I have. How much I cannot love. How I can turn angry. How I can turn unforgiving and bitter. How I can hurt the people I love because I can't walk beyond my own hurt. I am nothing.

But I have Him. Him who loves me and the people a zillion times more than I do. I find myself loving people that in my own strength and understanding, I can NEVER love. I was surprised at the power within me. To even talk to some people. That in those conversations, God came out. Not me. If it was me, I'll run away. Its not me who lives, but Christ who lives in me.

God, thank you. At this low point in my life, when I do not understand it all, when everything feels like it had fallen apart, you are here. You love me. That in this whole week, I found answers, tasted your goodness, to feel like I'm pieced together again. To feel that the murky waters are turning clear. To see river Jordan lowering in level. To have the certainty that YOU ARE SOVEREIGN. YOU ARE ON THE THRONE. YOU HOLD MY LIFE. Every piece. My past. My present. My future.

There is NO ONE else but you. Like you. You are unique. Holy, Holy, Holy, is the Lord God Almighty.

Live life to the fullest.

Woah. And how on earth can God not exist?

This feels like winning games straight in a row. Or scoring a hat trick.

Woah.

Went back to my previous church's youth camp to say 'hi' and keep the ties.

At this time when I wonder have my life made an impact on others... at this time when I feel that the ministry God gives me is always individuals all over and not in a group... God allowed me to experience an answer to my questions.

As I walked into the camp compound... did not know what to expect... breathed in and walked in. Woah. Had such a welcome. From the youths whom I had sowed into their lives when they were kids! Woah. Hugs, excited 'Hi's and exchanges. Wow. Just am so touched. Thank you, God. Really needed this affirmation and comfort. As I walked on, it was good to be welcomed. It felt like home ground. And good to be totally comfortable. Yeah, it had not been totally easy adjusting and fitting in my new church. Still feel new. Heh. Not the 'da jie' anymore. Not used to not leading. Really is taking a lot to be still. Ok... anyway...

Had dinner and chats and small catch up sessions... Woah... really treasure these friends and love these youths. So glad to also feel and know I'm missed and treasured. So glad to continue to just chat. So glad the ties are strong. So glad the friendships are strong. So glad to be back. =)

As I stood there in the service, many thoughts and questions were racing across my head. Many strings were pulling at my heart. Wow. Remembered how they sent me off to KY - singing songs, celebrating my birthday, saying heart warming things. Remembered the times I had persevered and laboured and prayed my heart out for them. Ended up interceeding for them again, there and there. For them to have God's heart and live out His purpose.

Wow. It was great.

Then.... (drum roll....) one of the leaders went up and shared. She shared the same verse that I read last night(my poster with the verse fell... so I put it on my table and just had to look at it). Romans 8:15. Which spoke of overcoming fears and knowing your identity. AND... she challenged us to rise up in faith, to persist, persevere and advance. WOAH!!!!!!!!! I AM SO KNOCKED OUT!!! It was as if God was putting a full stop, no, an exclamation mark to the sentence He had formed over the last few days. *3 back flips and 2 cartwheels*

And she said she saw a picture where the gear is changed from the first to the fourth. And she challenged the youths to go reach out. Wow... and I was just wondering, did I make the right move to KY? And then I felt God said - Your work is finished here. *Breathe out...Let go*.

PLUS... the guest pastor said that he believed in living life to the fullest!!!! Woah... like Fei. And in enjoying life, we must not forget our purpose. To reach out and bless. Woah... AND not to be put off by efforts, obstacles... but have a PASSION to push through, to see it to the end. WOAH. Like Fei. WOAH! WOAH! WOAH! To have a vision to see generations changed, to see nations changed. Yes... reminding me of my vision... once again... =)

Then Clydia... came to me... she said ... See? Your prayers are answered. Woah. That statement. Gave me hope that yes, the labour I've laboured was not in vain. The prayers I prayed with tears are reaping joy now. The seeds I've planted are being watered. Thank you, God.

The whole night has been great. Would not have traded tonight with anything else. No where else I would have rather been.

Continue speaking, God. Love you. Lots.

Thanks. I really needed all these tonight. The wounds are healing. The questions are being answered. You are faithful, Father.

Living and Leaving by example

I feel lighter. I feel a deeper sense of hope.

Tonight is the 3rd night I blogged in a row. Quite special for me. I am an infrequent blogger. Once in weeks or even months? Yes, Fei's life and death is special enough for me to blog.

What a man. His best friends spoke of him. His father bared his heart.

How he lived life with a dignity because he knew his identity - a prince, a son, a friend of God. How he fought through setbacks of accidents and academic disappointments.

He is leaving a legacy. Of love. He is a shining example of a life that epitomises what matters most in eternity - love. I believe he left footprints. And in the paths where he stopped, lots of feet will go on walking those paths. To be a teacher in ACJC to impact the students. To go to China and love the kids. To spend time with younger friends to guide them. To make the family happy. To give of our lives. His work continues.

As I payed my last respects, I stood there and my heart was full. Full of respect for a friend I hardly knew. Full of thanks for what his life and death has taught me.

I realised I was also fighting "adulthood". That place or age range or period whatever you may term it of cynicism, of accepting things as they are and resigning to that, or what people call jadedness. Sure, I've been through the disappointments, heartaches and knocks when I went full gear on passion. Am fighting. To be childlike. To still believe. To hold on to my dreams. To dare to go on the opposite. Completely surrender. Trust. Risk it all again. To hope. To believe. In a God bigger than me. Bigger than my disappointments, bigger than my mistakes. One of his friends said this of Fei, that through the changes in life, he kept what was positive throughout. I want that too. A fire that no blanket can wet. A passion that no water can put out. I want to be like those bouncy plastic figurines, as the chinese calls them bu4 dao3 weng1. No matter how many times I'm hit, I will bounce back. No matter what is thrown at me, I will stand up. Perhaps in standing up and walking on, the wounds will heal. Sure sounds better than sitting down and licking my wounds and waiting for the sun to set.

Before I slept last night, I finally faced some fears squarely. Fears that were lingering in my head & heart for months. I finally faced them. And made a decision. To go where He leads. Even in lonely paths, even in tough times, even if I become a nameless and faceless heroine that impacts lifes on the quiet. So be it. In battles, there are losses and gains, sacrifices and reward, mistakes and victories. At least I fought. Even if I erred, I lived my passion out as best as I could, did what I knew, tried best as I could. I lost some things, but I've also gained many.

Perhaps what I can glean from growing up is wisdom. To retain childlike faith and adult wisdom. That sounds powerful enough. Wisdom to pray & ask Father, wisdom to stop, wisdom to minimise, wisdom to allocate enough time and resources. Combined with a kid's curiousity, purity, fresh perspective, trusting heart. Wow. Sounds good.

Fei, thank you. Thank you for living and leaving, by example. Your 22 years of life, inspires me to live my 27th year ahead with hope, love, dignity and courage. Can't wait to see you and thank you in heaven.

Don't live a tiny life. Stand tall. Fight. Choose happiness. LIVE STRONG.

Live Strong.

Just got back from the funeral. Wow. It is the most beautiful funeral I've been too. Wow.

Friends fly back from all over the world, just to see his physical body. Wow.

I barely know him. But I'm deeply moved.

This ain't a emo high or a soppy affair. But it was solid. His courage, his passion etc was almost tangible when people shared his life. Sure enough, when you die, people talk about the good things they remember. But there must be enough good things to have such a crowd to talk about, sing about, cry about and remember about. I sure think he didn't care or love just for these people to come. But he truly did.

Got roped in to video the service so that the feed goes out to two screens outside. Was glad to be in the family and help out in a practical way. Was really glad I could do that. It was family. It was a 'together' affair. Could really feel it in the air. The whole youth group, ready to serve, ready to move, ready to comfort. Family. Together.

My heart is heavy as I ponder what God is speaking to me. Just this morning as I woke up, a thought came to me - why not live on the opposite side, just give it all you've got, be positive and gather courage and charge! The thought stuck. Woke up, felt all so dreary, down and tired and blah. I thought about it but it just looked too difficult. I was just blah. Then I thought to myself, how many days do I feel blah? Seems like quite often these few months. Sigh... that is not a way to live! The risk was before me - to just risk it all, secure in Him and charge.

As I trudged around, wanting to give up in midst of a technical trouble... really prayed and asked for strength to go on and conquer. Managed to climb over it and get by the day and went to meet a friend before the wake.

As I met the friend, something in me came alive. This friend is a dear little brother, whom I see so much in him. His heart, his passion and the talents that he has expressed in music and photography. A friend that I stand behind and supporting so that all that what God has for Him, will come to pass. Through our conversations, God reminded me of the dreams He had given me. God stirred in me the latent passion. Hope came through. Hope for the bright future He has said I had. A new hope. It was awesome. To catch that glimpse of light in dark tunnels. Felt like I was looking for some ray of hope having walked a long while in a dark tunnel. That ray of light gave a hope that there was a better road ahead. There ARE things I can look forward to. There ARE things in store for me. That my dreams and desires will come to pass. Wow.

That was the prelude. The funeral was beautiful. So fragrant. Testimonies by testimonies showed forth a man who lived for a Cause, bigger than himself. Who Chose to be happy. Who chose to serve. Who chose to lead. Who chose to fight. Who lived life with a passion. Who did not give up. Who pursued everything with all of his heart. Who held back nothing. Who gave all he had. Who challenged. Who inspired. Who knew Jesus. And magnified Him.

His life, or rather his death spoke to me. That I should stop living a TINY life. Sure, I've been through lots of rough places (still) in my life. Sure, I am facing lots of odds. Sure, I still can't do a lot of things. Sure, I have lost many things. Sure, I don't have many things - intangible and tangible, that I so badly want. Sure, I have made mistakes. And for the last few months, I went round and round and round these things.

Looking at how Fei gave his all. Looking at how he fought leukaemia. Looking at how he fought what God allowed, gave a new meaning to faith. An unshakeable faith in the Father who made him, crafted a plan for him and am leading him in this specific path, that not many his age will have to take. Yet he gave his all.

I want to. I want to find the courage to stand up and overcome the odds. I want to persevere and push through til I get a breakthrough. I want to be brave. I want to learn from my mistakes and move on. I want to get past the previous hurts, pain and negative experiences and restart and recarve a new future. Even if it means I have to suffer all that I had to and have to, I will face it with new strength. I will fight the good fight. I will run the good race. I want to choose to be happy.

I want to LIVE STRONG.

On the way home, as I was smsing, a white butterfly flew right into my face (almost) in the City Hall MRT tunnel. I was taken aback and just had to look at it as it soars. It was a pure white butterfly, with pretty patterns on its wings. Butterflies are special to me. They represent transformation. Yes, I am transformed. Yes, I will soar.

Thank you, God. May my life (and death) be a beautiful one, to you. May you be made much of me, just like Fei's life. Keep me, hold me, be magnified through me.

Death and Life. Die and Live.

Deaths are always sobering.

They make you think of life. Strange huh? Perhaps its the contrast. Perhaps its the lack.

Deaths are never easy.

But they are always impactful.

Never understood much why a respected friend of mine died years ago. He was a fine young man in his 30's. Passionate about God. Passionate about people. Had a lovely wife. A lovely smile. Could not understand His story.

I think it is sealed now. Today I fully understand. A church friend, merely 22, just went Home. Am new to this church, barely know him. But seen him before leukaemia and after. Heard much about him - from a AC brat transformed to a humble servant of Christ. Loving Him, loving His people. Yet he lived his transformed days in total surrender - living and now dying to magnify Him. A life not lived for himself or his own agenda. A life lived for a Person and cause much much bigger than himself. That in death, life springs. Unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground, there will not be a spreading of seeds. Believe my friend who died years ago, left a legacy that can never be replaced. His death planted new life and resolute in many who knew Him. His dream to see people reconciled to God lives on. In all of our hearts. Perhaps in death, it is one of the ways our passion gets passed on. Just like the torch in the Olympics, something has to be burnt, so that it can be lit. So that people can see the light. So that people can run behind the vision.

Maybe those who don't believe in Christ think we are mad. Celebrate? Joyful? Yes. That's because we know our destination. Earth is just a temporary residence. I have a mansion prepared for me (hope it has orange walls!). Death is actually a beginning. To be with Someone whom we love and have followed and have so longed to see. Believe my friends are enjoying themselves and cheering us on to run this race. To run with a vision, to persevere, to press on, to pick ourselves up when we fall.

Have been mucking around regrets, unfulfilled desires, dissatisfaction, anger, burning against all that has befalled upon me. And the limitations, the pain and the discomfort I have to go through. The daily battles. The tears. The struggles. But yes, through this death, I've pressed in deeper. Thinking, reading, praying deeper.

His grace IS sufficient for me. In the loneliness, in the pain, in the questions. His power is made perfect in my weaknesses. When I'm down and out, when I fear, when I feel I can't. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships. My own inabilities, my own restrictions, my own limitations, things that I cannot control or dictate. For when I am weak, then I am strong. That in these areas, He gets the maximum glory.

O my soul, arise and praise. Arise and walk in courage. Arise and climb on. Lord lift me up, that I may stand. By faith on heaven's table land. A higher plane, than I have gone. Lord, plant my feet on higher ground.

I need to let go of all the regrets, stop lamenting about the loss of years, stop being angry with myself or circumstances and start surrendering my life in His hands, looking forward and courageously face the things I fear most. Trusting His heart in all these, He is glorified most. In that, I will be most satisfied. That even if I die tomorrow, I have lived well. My life was not wasted.

Fusion Chinese

my parents speak Chinese. They are proud of their heritage. I wasn't

Since growing up, always felt everything chinese was OBIANG or OR BIT CHA CHA.

grew up in Dunman High. Sure didn't help with the Chinese orchestra or the Lion Dance. It was rather communist - collectivity above individualism, ascetism above materialism, strict adherence rather than a discussion. It also clamped down anything non Buddhist.

Felt the Chinese culture was always restrictive. Always protective. Inward looking. And certainly unexciting. What stuck was the school's motto "Cheng3 Xing4 Yong3 Zhong1" - honest, trustworthy, courageous and loyal.

Thought going to RJ would help. But it was a shock. It was rampant individualism. The individual above the group. It was exhibitionistic. Money talks. Money wins. Ability shouts. Ability controls.

Somewhere along those lines after all these years I found a route. Sure, it was hard growing up in those environment where I never fitted in. As hard as I tried or perhaps tried not to.

Like fusion cuisine - taking the best from both worlds. And creating a new flavour. A new taste.

Having roots. Being proud of my heritage and inheritance. Having values that are valiant and courageous. Loving the country. Being loyal. Living in the community yet also allowing the individual to shine. Daring to try. To break out of a group mindset to conquer and win. To shine. Adding on Christian values of living as stewards, not lords. This is how I want to live. A Christian Fusion Chinese. Yumz.

new winds

new winds are blowing across china.

winds of change.

was glad to see china - BJ and SH at this time.

to see a nation and its people transitioning.

to see the hunger for progress. the strife to "be like everyone else" (provided that they are affluent)/

to see the old glories. the past humiliation. the current stride forward.

to see a nation racing economically but crawling environmentally, socially and politically.

to see a people who are afraid to trust. foreigners, neighbours, even themselves. to see rural migrants who are homeless in the big city. to see people who got rich quick and spend like there's no tomorrow.

to see a nation so rich in history, make history again. Is exciting.

a new phase

find myself in a very interesting phase. can't seem to even describe it.

New. Many new things. Desires of heart coming to pass. Afraid too, to pick up some new tasks.

Commercial. People. Personal art space. Balance on tight rope. Basket full, which fruit to peel first? Which seed to plant first?

Old friends. new friends. Old colleagues. New colleagues.

Fun. Yet disorientating at times.

A constant evolving.

words that ring

got a really close friend who speaks truth into my life - its amazing how his words ring. the words are just lifted by God and placed in my heart. to search motives. to bring about positive change. glad for him, glad for those words.

of which one of them was
> to expect trouble
> to handle discomfort
and to change, be strong in the midst of it. Sure helps. As a dear speaker, Quek Peck Hong says... expect trouble and pain because the world is unrighteous and imperfect. Simple as it is. Takes me a long while to accept it. Idealist. Perfectionist. Utopic notions I have. Think i'm longing for heaven! More so, to see my friend live the life he preaches. not by his own power, but by a higher power. inspires me.

tk you my friend.

renaissance - shanghai nights

feel a restoration. a new love for music all over again.

feel the tingling, the haunting, the longing in the music. where musical notes skid over the soul like ripples in the water.

i feel a new connection with my senses. perhaps this awakening comes from video editing - where you need to get in touch with the ebbs and flows, the rhythm of visuals and audio. watching yo yo ma and diana krall live in concert too i supposed. and also the making of toy story, LOTR etc... hehz.

been playing the guitar. having new songs. been playing the piano. feeling for the music. remembering the words and expressions from my piano teacher - miss Yip. who taught me not to pass exams but have a love for music. she developed in me an appreciation for the lives of the composer, the principles behind music, the analogies, the literature in music, to listen to nuances, to anticipate, to spot patterns, to feel. She imparted a whole new world. Certainly did not appreciate all of that or understood that when i was a teenage. but now i do. now i feel what she was trying to share. wow.

was playing some old scores - could feel the music coming through. the techniques she taught me - to flow, to express, to evoke, the dialogues i can hear now within the music. Its almost magical. What was mechanical in the past, now are alive! What was a chore then, is now pleasure. What a change.

Maybe its also the new freedom I've been experiencing inside. When the butterfly comes out to play - amongst the flowers, in the garden, safe to express its beauty, free to admire others. Free to fly. Flutter, fly, soar.

Maybe its also a soothing of the soul. An outlet for pain. An outlet for words that can't be expressed. Maybe that's why Saul asked David to play the harp.

I feel like Shanghai. Lived. Died. Not live again.

Shanghai nights. Reliving. A new glory.

Language of pictures. Bringing joy.

I normally dislike doing wedding videos. To me, there are quite the same. Been to one, been to all. Almost.

Doing it was ok. Kinda went along shooting etc. But when I played back to capture into the hard drive, the Korean entourage of the bridegroom crowded around. They laughed, smiled, made comments which were entirely foreign. The language of pictures. Audio, written language we may not know. But pictures transcend. And at that moment, we connected. Through the language of pictures.

Sometimes videoing stuff gets tiring. And wedding videos usually bore me utterly. But what really gave me a lift was the joy and laughter that was evoked watching the edit. Its quite amazing when you think about it. Cute jazzy music, a sequence of pictures of familliar faces, early happenings and actions by the people - na arrangement of it brings reactions. Interesting, huh? And more so, reactions from people I love - the bride, my friends, grandma, mother of the bride (all whom I know for over 10 years) and even the Korean family!

I was like WOW. Happy I could bring laughter and joy to a wide group of people, just for that few minutes. What a wonderful 'power' I have! Its such a wonder to just be able to put that smile on someone's face. I'm happy. And contented.

Thank you God for this gift.

Didnt know saying goodbye can be so hard

Seasons come and seasons go but You remain the same. So thankful Dada God is my ROCK and He never changes.

Transitions can be real tough. Never knew saying goodbye can be so difficult. Sometimes you never know how much you love/ treasure people and how much you are loved / treasured until you leave.

Have had many people leave, good friends to other churches, overseas etc. Most of the time I had been on the other end. Having to adjust my life after they leave. Missing them. Walking up the stairs to church knowing things are not the same without them. Walking into the church feeling that something is missing. Had it for the last 5-6 years???

Sure strange that now its my turn. Saying goodbye. Seeing the emotions. That moment of sadness. That moment of "not again?". That moment of "Why??". Sudden gestures of good byes - seeing the missing already in the eyes. Makes me feel sad too. Never knew it could be so hard.

Have sang this when my friends have left... now's my turn...

"Packing up the dreams God planted
In the fertile soil of you
Can’t believe the hopes he’s granted
Means a chapter in your life is through
But we’ll keep you close as always
It won’t even seem you’ve gone’
cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong

Chorus:
And friends are friends forever
If the Lord’s the Lord of them
And a friend will not say never’
cause the welcome will not end
Though it’s hard to let you go
In the Father’s hands we know
That a lifetime’s not too long to live as friends.

With the faith and love God’s given
Springing from the hope we know
We will pray the joy you’ll live in
Is the strength that now you show
But we’ll keep you close as always
It won’t even seem you’ve gone’
cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong"

Seasons come and go but You remain the same. Thankful that amidst all these. You are here. Trusting you will keep the friendships. Trusting that I'm making the right move. Trusting that you will take care of everything!

Love. What a strong emotion. What a deep longing. What deep ties and bonds. Many times, inexplicable.

Redefine and reinforce

As I was trucking through the avalanche of thoughts... I realise why the upheavals

Its a time of redefinition. Of readjustment. Relinquishing - rights, attachments.

Reinforcements will be the next step.

=)

avalanche

had one of those weeks where i had an avalanche of thoughts fueled by transitions, old wounds, new developments.

emotional upheavals and pit moments.

praises and condemnations.

old habits and new changes

New routes and old maps

Boy, wat a week.

Glad Papa God is sorting them out for me.

Security in Him. Trust. Knowing I'm His possession. Precious. No need to get into anxious mode. He's got the plans. Just follow the Master's master plan. Loved. Sayanged. Treasured. Chosen. Priestess. Princess. Valued. Cherished. Delighted in. Enjoyed. Rejoiced over. Smiles. Kisses. Hugs.

Ps 30:2-3, 11-12
"O LORD my God, I called to you for help and you healed me. O LORD, you brought me up from the grave; you spared me from going down to the pit.
You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever."

Dialock or dialogue

over the usual CNY visits... arose an interesting conversation of what women and men really want (so its the title of the CNA prog i was on)

One said - submission is strength. It takes a strong wife to give in.

Another said- a man wants respect and support.

Comments were flying around... and we all had a good laugh. But deep down we all knew relationships take work. To listen. To communicate. To make effort. To make time. To cultivate.

Over the week I had been thinking and watching over TV and real life. romance vs marriage. The sensations vs the realities. Cloud nine vs doing the laundry.

For better or worse... wow... what make people take the risks? The risk to love so that they can be loved? To know so that they can be known?

Love, relationships and marriage seems such a maze at times... marriage is not a destination, just a journey. Marriage is living out each day not just hanging out. Boy, does it take commitment and effort. And words either lock or free.

Think I will NEVER take this risk unless God, you walk with us. Its funny. I'm looking forward to it yet at the same time kinda feel like running the opposite direction. Am I ready for the romance? Am I ready for the hurts? Am i ready for the hugs? Am I ready for the frustrations? I dont know... only You know...

Yep

As my friend wrote this over msn...

dialogue is more than your giving me space to say my words, and my giving you space to say yours. dialogue demands that i leave the place where i dwell- the landscape of feelings and thoughts that are important to me- in order to dwell for a time with your thoughts, feelings, perceptions, fears, hopes. i must deny myself- forsake the familiar, give up my life- in order to experience your life.

the purpose of dialogue is never to to persuade another person to accept our opinions, or values, or view of the world; rather it is to create understanding - a climate where COMMUNION takes place. He who has lost himself finds himself/herself. The deepest craving of every heart is to be laid bare, to be known, to be understood...

Christians - boring??????????Why should we be????

Boring. That's the LAST thing I ever want to be. Or preachy. Or 'kuai kuai' (goody two shoes). Or bland. Or unappealing.

But why??? Why are many Christians like that??? Why does the media typify us like that? Why do we limit ourselves and become like that? Well you have extremes. The goody 2 shoes vs the controversial low cut blouse, mini skirt ones.

It just baffles me. Just throws me off. Yeeks

I really want to see more funky, relevant, young, bold, 'cool', 'hip' Christians who uphold God's values, live out consistent lives and are huge influencers in the real world. Not boring, preachy, plain, typical goody two shoes.

More colour. More trendy. More expressive. Yet grounded. Firm. Strong. Secure. Sensible.

How do the Church not run after the values that the world race for - celebrity, status, works, merit, talents yet at the same time remain relevant, fun, 'cool' and influencing to society? How do we remain relevant yet not irreverent????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

God, I dun understand how we can do it, but TEACH us!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Show us!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Desire

hmm... always thought desire was wrong. Was it part of the buddhist thinking that the way of escape and total happiness is via nirvana - a way immune of suffering? Was it part of the Christian extreme slant that everything you desire is fleshly and worldy?

Sigh... why did I live under that??????????

I came to realise that desires are God- given. Desires are natural. Desires are part of humanity. Desires only point us to a haunting, a direction to a deeper desire for perfection and total beauty. Of God drawing us near. God does not despise our desires. He created us with them. Without desire, we would be robots. Robots who simply obey commands. Or zombies who kill our own desires so we can follow.

I have seen how God works via our desires. And its a lot more powerful! "Discipline imposed from the outside eventually defeats when it is not matched by desire from within" - Dawson Trotman. How true. How much more compelling and contagious when we live inside out. How much more effective we are when we want rather than just will.

What's wrong with desiring to see a distanced friendship turn close? What's wrong with desiring a hug? What's wrong with desiring a beautiful dress? What's wrong with desiring the latest tech gadget? Nothing wrong.

What matters is what we do with the desires. Do we kill it -deny it and bash ourselves for being too sensitive or silly? Do we indulge in it - purchasing an item we don't need? Are we obsessed with it? Our Father gave His only Son, why wouldn't He give us good things or all things we need? There's no other logic than why He wouldnt give us the best? Is it a truth we don't dare to embrace?

I've found out that desires are good. They reflect a deeper desire for the creator of all things. The creator of us who knows the gap. They reflect a haunting for perfection that can only be found in heaven. They point us to a longing that only He can fill. Desire is beautiful.

Delight in Him. Our desires will be fulfilled. Wow. How many times have He surprised me??? Even little things. What a beautiful Papa I have. =)

Idealist Realist

found out this... one of the hardest thing for creative people (i.e. artists, directors etc) to let go is... the total adherence to the ideas we all started out with. But yes, we still live in the real world (i.e. imperfect) and guess we just have to try to make sure the end product is closest to the original vision.

(Can't wait to go to heaven at times)

Wat flows out of your life?

there was one speaker that challenged ... wat flows out of my life? Is it milk and honey or bitterness? I then realised , hey, I had some bitterness still. About people. About things. About opinions.

It was a wake up call. The process of processing and letting go and dealing with the pain and hurt was not easy. It was not without tears or sadness. But the pain allowed for healing.

Why have bitter water when you can have milk and honey? A sweet spirit rather than a blah one =)

When Dreams become a Right?

Hope is one of the basic blocks of life. Of which, faith and love stems (Colossians 1)

The ability to dream is like the ability to fly. To reach. To soar. To touch. To yearn for the impossible.

Yet... in the pursuit of them, there are many truths I'm learning.

That God sometimes frustrates them. So that my smaller dreams can dissolve so that His bigger dreams can take place.

That my dreams are not a right.

That my dreams are not the be all and end all of life.

That shattered dreams are not something to be depressed about but celebrated??? (still trying to comes to terms with this one...)

Delayed dreams are not a bad thing.

Unfulfilled dreams, so what? Fulfillment depends on Him, not me.

Pursuit of it depends on me, fulfillment is up to Him to give.

"Shattered dreams open the door to better dreams, dreams we do not properly value until the dreams that we improperly value are destroyed. Shattered dreams destroy false expectations of the 'victorious' christian life with no real struggle or failure. They help us discover true hope. we need the the help of shattered dreams to put us in touch with what we long for the most, to create a felt appetite for better dreams. And living for the better dreams generates a new unfamiliar feeling that we eventually recognise as joy...Perhaps we're meant to learn that the richest hope permits the deepest suffering, which releases the strongest power, which then produces the greatest joy. Maybe there is no shortcut to joy. Maybe God sometimes frustrates our desire to experience Him in order to deepen it...Brokeness is the awareness that you long to be someone you are not, and cannot be without divine help."

Shattered Dreams - God's Unexpected Pathway to Joy //Larry Crabb

God is not one who bursts my dreams for the fun of it. He bursts it so I can embrace a bigger dream that only He can fulfill.

Its painful for my small bubbles to burst. It really is. But I can only hope, that He has better things in store. I still dun understand, I still cant see it.

"But when you dun understand, and you can't see His plan. And when you can't trace His hand, trust His Heart."

I will.

He is for me. Not against me. Never against me.

His plans give me a hope and a future.

Waiting for the pain and shame to go away.

The Robbery of Voluminous Trivialities

In the book " The Overload Syndrome" by Richard A. Swenson, M.D., there were some themes in the book that drove home...

" The significant has been forced to wrestle with the superficial" how true... every additional product on the supermarket shelve steals another minute of considering which to buy...could use that minute to smile and love...

"Dilution and distraction" ... defocuses and robs concentration. Ads, ads and more ads!!! Too many choices...

"Volume displacing value" Too much, too many in a shorter time.

" Jesus was exceptionally focused. His intent was the glory of the Father, and nothing could distract Him from it. This does not mean He did not rest. It does not mean He never enjoyed Himself. It simply means He could not be distracted."

Jesus probably faced lots of pressure - from the authorities to conform, the people who are needy, screaming fans that want more, disciples's expectations... but he is so composed. He had so many choices. Yet He KNEW what His Father wanted. He focused. He knew when to WAIT. STOP. and GO. Remarkable. I want that. I really do.

I don't want small things, small decisions, multiple things to detract me. I want to stay on the track!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No more robbery!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Simplifying

Do we all live complicated lives? Maybe, at least for me , I think I do

Modern humanity as per Switchfoot ... too much noise... too much clutter... to much excess... too many choices... faster, bigger and better NOW!!!

Read this book that caused me to rethink my life - The Overload Syndrome "Learning to live within your limits". Its a very necessary and humbling and extremely practical book. Its a timeless book. A book that worth many re reads.

Through it, I carved a time to rest, created space to heal. Learnt that it was OK to have limits and live with them yet not being restricted by them. I've learnt to streamline, reduce, cut down, organise, be disciplined and even downgrade. So anti today's culture of getting more more and more!

"Consumption constrains us and simplicity frees us". What wisdom.

Just Be

Life is interesting... I wonder when we get to heaven... perhaps one of the greatest thing we will realise is that our life on earth may be so far from how we were designed to live. Even as Christians

Have been thinking about this issue of DO and BE. MARTHA and MARY. In our society and churches too.... where our worth is measured in what we can do, how well we look, sing, dance... are we missing the point?

I really wish to be like Jesus - so boh chap about what people think of him. How he does not look to men for praises coz He knew what was in a man. Approval.

It makes perfect sense that we should get approval from our original creator because we just have to live to his standards. But instead we live by standards that we create for ourselves - to sing in tune is that we have to sing in CDEFGABC... to dance well is that we need to dance a certain way... to be smart is that we need to pass all tests...

Do do do...and sometimes to be a 'good' Christian... we have to serve serve serve (over serve) if not we are not 'good enough' ... We even translate that to God, to be loved and approved by Him, we need to do do and do.

I like this quote "we want to be in the presence of our Lord with empty hands; naked, vulnerable, useless, and without much to show, prove or defend." A close friend said that she wants to live her life like this: " Nothing to prove, Nothing to lose."

Perhapds Calvin Klein got it right. CK Be, just be.

Guess I've been too achievment oriented all my life (just ask any Singaporean too)... and I'm learning to flip the coin and balance the weighing scale. To be, then to do. Not to do so that I can be.

To be - outweighs all the dos. Coz that's what He made us for FIRST - He wants my affections, my love, my attention. He is jealous for me! The doing is simply a function, a fulfilling of His plans. That's secondary. Its an old truth but I'm learning it inside out.

Just Be, the Jael He has created me to be. So what if I can't sing as well as xxx, or dance as well as xxx, or have pretty legs and perfect skin like xxx or as capable as xxx or can play sports as xxx... I just have to be Jael... sometimes I dun even know what being Jael means... that's something I'm discovering everyday... Just be... more like Jesus, in the way only Jael can. Coz I'm special.

Feeling all so girlie

heeeh......
sometimes seeing how God has been renewing my life these past 2 years... the same question keep popping up in my head "WHERE HAVE I BEEN?" Guess... maybe I wasn't ready or was going through a cocoon phase??? Oh well... PUT THE PAST BEHIND... and PRESS FORWARD!!!

learning to see the beauty of a female, the suppleness - strong yet tender, gentle yet firm...

heee... seeing more ribbons, lace and pretty things in my wardrobe...*blush*

I dun need to be tough... Dada God is my protector... and He defends me, I'm totally SAFE. I dun need to prove anything... Dada God is my everything, I'm fully loved.

New Year New Me

Have been enjoying the new year so far... sure there had been some days with stormy weather... but oh well.. that's not the point... the point is that its new year. What other better time to make changes? Kinda gone pass the write down new year resolutions phase... instead the whole of last year was just that, kinda going all out to do whatever I ever wanted to do for years. And this year is no different.
New Year - just enjoying making the changes. Dumping away things that I had kept for YEARS (go ask my mama, she used to call me garang guni)... and putting in new things (Ha! I finally threw away that old big pillow in my living room that existed since i was a kid!! and replaced it with a new Ikea one)... and also streamlining
Decided to kick away my bad habits, establish good ones... (haha finally finally getting into the wash-tone-moisturise routine)
Guess... I've just reached a threshold of frustration - really wanting more change in my life
And also a new blooming... discovering new sides of me... that I never dared to show... but oh well... its coming out... God is drawing it out... the softer side of me... =)
Hee... I'm having lotsa FUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!