Basics

As my life goes into a relook into my fundamentals, interesting how the last few pieces of shopping are just monochromatic. That I don't find them boring. But essential.

Lighter side of life

Some things are just great.

A latte. Rosemary chicken sandwich. Yumz.

Work you enjoy.

A boss and friend whom you can connect with and talk about films, people and the world.

Black Pepper Crab. Typically Singaporean. Mmm...

Sparkling wine, gourmet dessert along the river... great conversations with a super dear friend.

Wow. Times of ease. That somehow not everyday is a raging sea. But calm. Soothing.

Nat King Cole at the background, dim yellow lights and this lap top.

Life CAN be good.

xie4 xie4 ni3

Wow. Its been a week of revelations, encounters with my Father. Am so transformed. Renewed. At the funerals. At a conference. It was not the material or the speakers. But it was Him. Who answered questions. Who challenged me. Who reminded me who I am. Soothed the disappointments. Pour new fuel. Clean the wounds. Revive passion. Removes cynicism. Brings new hope. Restores faith. To run on. Reminds me that He holds everything in His hands. Tells me that He loves me. That He cares. Asks me to be satisfied in Him. And not wander anymore. But be here. Be content. Be satisfied. In all He is.

Yes, in being satisfied in Him means I will be satisfied with who I am, where I am, what I am doing. That all I am, all I have, all that I enjoy, the relationships I have, revolve around him.

Feel the strength coming back today. The confidence to do my work. The confidence to be myself. The confidence to bless. The joy to bless. The joy to share. The vibrance. The passion.

I'm thankful. That in this suffering and pain, He speaks. That through the regrets, disappointments, anger, angst, struggles, this season of vulnerability and lostness, He shows up. He shows me who He is. He shows me that He is sovereign. He shows me that He is the master of the universe. Yet He also shows me His love. His tenderness. His gentleness.

I see myself. My weaknesses. My failings. How easily distracted I am. My fears. How I stick my head in the sand like an ostrich. How I shrink away. How much I want things my way. How shallow I am. How my righteousness are but mere rags. How I can just walk around the desert. How limited I am. How little love I have. How much I cannot love. How I can turn angry. How I can turn unforgiving and bitter. How I can hurt the people I love because I can't walk beyond my own hurt. I am nothing.

But I have Him. Him who loves me and the people a zillion times more than I do. I find myself loving people that in my own strength and understanding, I can NEVER love. I was surprised at the power within me. To even talk to some people. That in those conversations, God came out. Not me. If it was me, I'll run away. Its not me who lives, but Christ who lives in me.

God, thank you. At this low point in my life, when I do not understand it all, when everything feels like it had fallen apart, you are here. You love me. That in this whole week, I found answers, tasted your goodness, to feel like I'm pieced together again. To feel that the murky waters are turning clear. To see river Jordan lowering in level. To have the certainty that YOU ARE SOVEREIGN. YOU ARE ON THE THRONE. YOU HOLD MY LIFE. Every piece. My past. My present. My future.

There is NO ONE else but you. Like you. You are unique. Holy, Holy, Holy, is the Lord God Almighty.

Live life to the fullest.

Woah. And how on earth can God not exist?

This feels like winning games straight in a row. Or scoring a hat trick.

Woah.

Went back to my previous church's youth camp to say 'hi' and keep the ties.

At this time when I wonder have my life made an impact on others... at this time when I feel that the ministry God gives me is always individuals all over and not in a group... God allowed me to experience an answer to my questions.

As I walked into the camp compound... did not know what to expect... breathed in and walked in. Woah. Had such a welcome. From the youths whom I had sowed into their lives when they were kids! Woah. Hugs, excited 'Hi's and exchanges. Wow. Just am so touched. Thank you, God. Really needed this affirmation and comfort. As I walked on, it was good to be welcomed. It felt like home ground. And good to be totally comfortable. Yeah, it had not been totally easy adjusting and fitting in my new church. Still feel new. Heh. Not the 'da jie' anymore. Not used to not leading. Really is taking a lot to be still. Ok... anyway...

Had dinner and chats and small catch up sessions... Woah... really treasure these friends and love these youths. So glad to also feel and know I'm missed and treasured. So glad to continue to just chat. So glad the ties are strong. So glad the friendships are strong. So glad to be back. =)

As I stood there in the service, many thoughts and questions were racing across my head. Many strings were pulling at my heart. Wow. Remembered how they sent me off to KY - singing songs, celebrating my birthday, saying heart warming things. Remembered the times I had persevered and laboured and prayed my heart out for them. Ended up interceeding for them again, there and there. For them to have God's heart and live out His purpose.

Wow. It was great.

Then.... (drum roll....) one of the leaders went up and shared. She shared the same verse that I read last night(my poster with the verse fell... so I put it on my table and just had to look at it). Romans 8:15. Which spoke of overcoming fears and knowing your identity. AND... she challenged us to rise up in faith, to persist, persevere and advance. WOAH!!!!!!!!! I AM SO KNOCKED OUT!!! It was as if God was putting a full stop, no, an exclamation mark to the sentence He had formed over the last few days. *3 back flips and 2 cartwheels*

And she said she saw a picture where the gear is changed from the first to the fourth. And she challenged the youths to go reach out. Wow... and I was just wondering, did I make the right move to KY? And then I felt God said - Your work is finished here. *Breathe out...Let go*.

PLUS... the guest pastor said that he believed in living life to the fullest!!!! Woah... like Fei. And in enjoying life, we must not forget our purpose. To reach out and bless. Woah... AND not to be put off by efforts, obstacles... but have a PASSION to push through, to see it to the end. WOAH. Like Fei. WOAH! WOAH! WOAH! To have a vision to see generations changed, to see nations changed. Yes... reminding me of my vision... once again... =)

Then Clydia... came to me... she said ... See? Your prayers are answered. Woah. That statement. Gave me hope that yes, the labour I've laboured was not in vain. The prayers I prayed with tears are reaping joy now. The seeds I've planted are being watered. Thank you, God.

The whole night has been great. Would not have traded tonight with anything else. No where else I would have rather been.

Continue speaking, God. Love you. Lots.

Thanks. I really needed all these tonight. The wounds are healing. The questions are being answered. You are faithful, Father.

Living and Leaving by example

I feel lighter. I feel a deeper sense of hope.

Tonight is the 3rd night I blogged in a row. Quite special for me. I am an infrequent blogger. Once in weeks or even months? Yes, Fei's life and death is special enough for me to blog.

What a man. His best friends spoke of him. His father bared his heart.

How he lived life with a dignity because he knew his identity - a prince, a son, a friend of God. How he fought through setbacks of accidents and academic disappointments.

He is leaving a legacy. Of love. He is a shining example of a life that epitomises what matters most in eternity - love. I believe he left footprints. And in the paths where he stopped, lots of feet will go on walking those paths. To be a teacher in ACJC to impact the students. To go to China and love the kids. To spend time with younger friends to guide them. To make the family happy. To give of our lives. His work continues.

As I payed my last respects, I stood there and my heart was full. Full of respect for a friend I hardly knew. Full of thanks for what his life and death has taught me.

I realised I was also fighting "adulthood". That place or age range or period whatever you may term it of cynicism, of accepting things as they are and resigning to that, or what people call jadedness. Sure, I've been through the disappointments, heartaches and knocks when I went full gear on passion. Am fighting. To be childlike. To still believe. To hold on to my dreams. To dare to go on the opposite. Completely surrender. Trust. Risk it all again. To hope. To believe. In a God bigger than me. Bigger than my disappointments, bigger than my mistakes. One of his friends said this of Fei, that through the changes in life, he kept what was positive throughout. I want that too. A fire that no blanket can wet. A passion that no water can put out. I want to be like those bouncy plastic figurines, as the chinese calls them bu4 dao3 weng1. No matter how many times I'm hit, I will bounce back. No matter what is thrown at me, I will stand up. Perhaps in standing up and walking on, the wounds will heal. Sure sounds better than sitting down and licking my wounds and waiting for the sun to set.

Before I slept last night, I finally faced some fears squarely. Fears that were lingering in my head & heart for months. I finally faced them. And made a decision. To go where He leads. Even in lonely paths, even in tough times, even if I become a nameless and faceless heroine that impacts lifes on the quiet. So be it. In battles, there are losses and gains, sacrifices and reward, mistakes and victories. At least I fought. Even if I erred, I lived my passion out as best as I could, did what I knew, tried best as I could. I lost some things, but I've also gained many.

Perhaps what I can glean from growing up is wisdom. To retain childlike faith and adult wisdom. That sounds powerful enough. Wisdom to pray & ask Father, wisdom to stop, wisdom to minimise, wisdom to allocate enough time and resources. Combined with a kid's curiousity, purity, fresh perspective, trusting heart. Wow. Sounds good.

Fei, thank you. Thank you for living and leaving, by example. Your 22 years of life, inspires me to live my 27th year ahead with hope, love, dignity and courage. Can't wait to see you and thank you in heaven.

Don't live a tiny life. Stand tall. Fight. Choose happiness. LIVE STRONG.

Live Strong.

Just got back from the funeral. Wow. It is the most beautiful funeral I've been too. Wow.

Friends fly back from all over the world, just to see his physical body. Wow.

I barely know him. But I'm deeply moved.

This ain't a emo high or a soppy affair. But it was solid. His courage, his passion etc was almost tangible when people shared his life. Sure enough, when you die, people talk about the good things they remember. But there must be enough good things to have such a crowd to talk about, sing about, cry about and remember about. I sure think he didn't care or love just for these people to come. But he truly did.

Got roped in to video the service so that the feed goes out to two screens outside. Was glad to be in the family and help out in a practical way. Was really glad I could do that. It was family. It was a 'together' affair. Could really feel it in the air. The whole youth group, ready to serve, ready to move, ready to comfort. Family. Together.

My heart is heavy as I ponder what God is speaking to me. Just this morning as I woke up, a thought came to me - why not live on the opposite side, just give it all you've got, be positive and gather courage and charge! The thought stuck. Woke up, felt all so dreary, down and tired and blah. I thought about it but it just looked too difficult. I was just blah. Then I thought to myself, how many days do I feel blah? Seems like quite often these few months. Sigh... that is not a way to live! The risk was before me - to just risk it all, secure in Him and charge.

As I trudged around, wanting to give up in midst of a technical trouble... really prayed and asked for strength to go on and conquer. Managed to climb over it and get by the day and went to meet a friend before the wake.

As I met the friend, something in me came alive. This friend is a dear little brother, whom I see so much in him. His heart, his passion and the talents that he has expressed in music and photography. A friend that I stand behind and supporting so that all that what God has for Him, will come to pass. Through our conversations, God reminded me of the dreams He had given me. God stirred in me the latent passion. Hope came through. Hope for the bright future He has said I had. A new hope. It was awesome. To catch that glimpse of light in dark tunnels. Felt like I was looking for some ray of hope having walked a long while in a dark tunnel. That ray of light gave a hope that there was a better road ahead. There ARE things I can look forward to. There ARE things in store for me. That my dreams and desires will come to pass. Wow.

That was the prelude. The funeral was beautiful. So fragrant. Testimonies by testimonies showed forth a man who lived for a Cause, bigger than himself. Who Chose to be happy. Who chose to serve. Who chose to lead. Who chose to fight. Who lived life with a passion. Who did not give up. Who pursued everything with all of his heart. Who held back nothing. Who gave all he had. Who challenged. Who inspired. Who knew Jesus. And magnified Him.

His life, or rather his death spoke to me. That I should stop living a TINY life. Sure, I've been through lots of rough places (still) in my life. Sure, I am facing lots of odds. Sure, I still can't do a lot of things. Sure, I have lost many things. Sure, I don't have many things - intangible and tangible, that I so badly want. Sure, I have made mistakes. And for the last few months, I went round and round and round these things.

Looking at how Fei gave his all. Looking at how he fought leukaemia. Looking at how he fought what God allowed, gave a new meaning to faith. An unshakeable faith in the Father who made him, crafted a plan for him and am leading him in this specific path, that not many his age will have to take. Yet he gave his all.

I want to. I want to find the courage to stand up and overcome the odds. I want to persevere and push through til I get a breakthrough. I want to be brave. I want to learn from my mistakes and move on. I want to get past the previous hurts, pain and negative experiences and restart and recarve a new future. Even if it means I have to suffer all that I had to and have to, I will face it with new strength. I will fight the good fight. I will run the good race. I want to choose to be happy.

I want to LIVE STRONG.

On the way home, as I was smsing, a white butterfly flew right into my face (almost) in the City Hall MRT tunnel. I was taken aback and just had to look at it as it soars. It was a pure white butterfly, with pretty patterns on its wings. Butterflies are special to me. They represent transformation. Yes, I am transformed. Yes, I will soar.

Thank you, God. May my life (and death) be a beautiful one, to you. May you be made much of me, just like Fei's life. Keep me, hold me, be magnified through me.

Death and Life. Die and Live.

Deaths are always sobering.

They make you think of life. Strange huh? Perhaps its the contrast. Perhaps its the lack.

Deaths are never easy.

But they are always impactful.

Never understood much why a respected friend of mine died years ago. He was a fine young man in his 30's. Passionate about God. Passionate about people. Had a lovely wife. A lovely smile. Could not understand His story.

I think it is sealed now. Today I fully understand. A church friend, merely 22, just went Home. Am new to this church, barely know him. But seen him before leukaemia and after. Heard much about him - from a AC brat transformed to a humble servant of Christ. Loving Him, loving His people. Yet he lived his transformed days in total surrender - living and now dying to magnify Him. A life not lived for himself or his own agenda. A life lived for a Person and cause much much bigger than himself. That in death, life springs. Unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground, there will not be a spreading of seeds. Believe my friend who died years ago, left a legacy that can never be replaced. His death planted new life and resolute in many who knew Him. His dream to see people reconciled to God lives on. In all of our hearts. Perhaps in death, it is one of the ways our passion gets passed on. Just like the torch in the Olympics, something has to be burnt, so that it can be lit. So that people can see the light. So that people can run behind the vision.

Maybe those who don't believe in Christ think we are mad. Celebrate? Joyful? Yes. That's because we know our destination. Earth is just a temporary residence. I have a mansion prepared for me (hope it has orange walls!). Death is actually a beginning. To be with Someone whom we love and have followed and have so longed to see. Believe my friends are enjoying themselves and cheering us on to run this race. To run with a vision, to persevere, to press on, to pick ourselves up when we fall.

Have been mucking around regrets, unfulfilled desires, dissatisfaction, anger, burning against all that has befalled upon me. And the limitations, the pain and the discomfort I have to go through. The daily battles. The tears. The struggles. But yes, through this death, I've pressed in deeper. Thinking, reading, praying deeper.

His grace IS sufficient for me. In the loneliness, in the pain, in the questions. His power is made perfect in my weaknesses. When I'm down and out, when I fear, when I feel I can't. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships. My own inabilities, my own restrictions, my own limitations, things that I cannot control or dictate. For when I am weak, then I am strong. That in these areas, He gets the maximum glory.

O my soul, arise and praise. Arise and walk in courage. Arise and climb on. Lord lift me up, that I may stand. By faith on heaven's table land. A higher plane, than I have gone. Lord, plant my feet on higher ground.

I need to let go of all the regrets, stop lamenting about the loss of years, stop being angry with myself or circumstances and start surrendering my life in His hands, looking forward and courageously face the things I fear most. Trusting His heart in all these, He is glorified most. In that, I will be most satisfied. That even if I die tomorrow, I have lived well. My life was not wasted.