random muses...

haven't blogged for ages... glad to just rant... now my blog is the ONLY SAFE place for me to really share my feelings... (hmm... got to get round this somehow)...with my professional work merging with my personal space... it's starting to feel a little strained... what used to be private is not exactly private... and I can't just say what I want to express... SIGH... I LOVE BY BLOG NOW... haaaaaaa....now I can say that I was really tired... was hard making sure things were running smoothly just now @ cell... but am glad it turned out well :)

one of the most therapeutic activity for me... is to sit @ my desk, play with photos on my mac (*muaks*) and enjoy the lovely breeze that travels in... i deeply enjoy this... and wish I could talk freely about my love for apple... sigh... am I in the right place??? ha. :)

vent

glad i can blog... lol... can't anyhow write what i want on facebook and twitter or msn message now... my bosses / colleagues / clients are on it...

glda i still have my little blog... lol... sigh... tough day again... did not sleep well and had trouble concentrating... gosh - i wonder how some people manage to perform well everyday... ... ... ha... ... ... gg to have two eventful days - looking forward to it. Been tough... really pushed every day... but feel I'm learning lots... and that's good I supposed. but learning is tough - barriers have to go, pride has to be broken down, and it's terribly uncomfortable [rant, rant, rant]. But good I suppose [I hope!]. sometimes I feel like being laissez faire... but yet... at times I'm highly motivated...hahahahhahahhahahaah

random random... read this that comforted me... it's from Frankie and the article was on "the moment I realised i was an adult"...

"After an emotionally rough adolescence, and the artistic slog of my early 20s, talking confidently about soup preferences and buying typefaces somehow feel like defining moments, little victories. It's been a long round trip, but I think I've grown into the person I always was"

Reading this was just good. share a rough adolescence too... his experience was similar to mine... just feel comforted someone has gone through a similar family experience... and also yeah... had a few years of freelance... and many year of growing up. Yeah, work's tough now... but somehow the stability now helps me feel more grown up, more confident. Little victories here and there. The transition to where I was the last few years to now, is good. Tough but does feel good growing up. LOL.

Focus

Focus is the currency of change and directly affects our ability to bring a vision into being. Leaders are skilled in the art of conserving, accrediting and leveraging on this resource to produce meaningful change.

regroup.recap.revision

just been very excited... being able to sit down for an extended period of time, with energy and with a clear mind... to spend time re-evaluating, reshuffling and revisiting plans and purposes... very good time

at the same time... just being entertained and educated by Sesame street videos and a financial series... miss hanging out with my mac ;)

will continue tomorrow... ... :)

simple happiness

dunno what's I'm doing up so late... should be sleeping... but seriously quite happy to fiddle with my mac *happiness*... miss my mac much...*MUACKS*!

so happeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyy....

happiness is being happy with where you are, what you want... and at the same time looking forward to the future.... :) RELAXED.

let it out

feel emo. finally am blogging. miss it.

went for a run, played with my keyboard, uploading a couple of photos. then going to sleep, more satisfied.

sigh. difficult news today. and need to overcome and get over it and move on. letting it out. i should sleep - been looking like a panda.

Next.

Part II.

Went back tonight. Not so much for the keynote message/speaker but just to support friends and see who else I'll meet tonight.

True enough. There were other surprises.

First up - I met a couple whose songs + partnership impacted me and my giving to kids 4-5 years ago. Seeing them and listening to them brought back lots of memories. Was a good time asking some hard questions and at the same time recall the evidence of impacted lives today. Sow in tears, reap in joy? The same fire burns within - still deep within me to see kids grow up with a global worldview.

Was an interesting keynote session and was also good to see response... yet I found myself asking more questions, probing deeper and searching for evidence I've not seen. It isn't so much of cynicism, but just taking a step back, having an overview and asking - what's missing? what needs to be changed? what can be done? what next? questions like: how do we move from passion in youth to practical steps in young adulthood? where are the concrete examples of marketplace believers on the pulpit(?) who make a difference with their work daily (everyday heroes)... also laying down their lives in other ways? how can people be coached to understand the power of video and know how to ride on it to deepen the message communicated via the video? [I'm sure nobody else in the whole auditorium thinks about these things?]

Came home and was clearing my email... came across an article and this short snippet made lots of sense (obviously the title grabbed my attention;) )

" In God We (Nearly) Trust
by Max Lucado

To embrace God's sovereignty is to drink from the well of his lordship and make a sailboat-in-the-storm decision. Not in regard to Milt and the sea, but in regard to God and life. You look toward the Captain and resolve: he knows what's best."

This just summarises where I'm at. Not exactly in a storm but am in a post storm stage and wondering where I'm headed after where I've been. Interesting how the idea of sovereignty was the subject of the keynote message yesterday...

A part of history

Just got back from a conference meeting...

Being there really brought back many memories... ...

met a good old ministry young adult friend who've journeyed together with me for the last 6 years... and had a quick chat over dinner. so good to see her.

then met another J21 co-runner... thought of her the other day... good to remember those days when we served together...

bumped into a dear dear ex-colleague who was serving at the event... really deeply appreciate him... was really good to just to chat a bit and catch up... thankful for him...remember the times he patiently taught me many things, how we'd drink coke and eat chips together and his DJing at the office... wah... *nostalgic*

saw a couple of good friends who went overseas - been reading their emails... and it was super lovely to see them back here. Short conversations, lots to catch up over meals. later... circled in the conversation was another friend whom 3 of us met overseas about 6 years ago. Wow...it has been a journey...

sitting through the conference just brought back many memories of videoing I've done... of friends... who became part of the reason why I'm now at KY and who responded... and are now at East Timor... there's something about videoing - where the images and the emotions stick.

Oh yes... and saw another good old friend who had been part of my recent journey... a faithful friend who is ready to give me a lift back... staccato catch up but good nonetheless...

I'm tempted to head back tomorrow (not so much for the conference) but to see more friends...

Wow... what a night... glad I came... glad for where I am (with KY who supports such conferences)... and for where I've been (its been a tough journey... but its been beautiful in many ways...glad I am reminded tonight...)...

today.

haven't blogged for ages.

hmm. interesting weekend + today. Was still roaring to go on Sat. Had to pull myself away from work stuff and just honor the Sabbath. Glad I did eventually.

but hmmf... now... I'm gearing up to go to work. Oh well... I'm sure it will work out.

And yes! Nadal won :)

fun @ work

had a fun time.

was chilling out at an event. at least the conversations were fun, engaging and meaningful. vs dull. and boring. or contrived.

glad to make some new friends and hang out. was tiring hanging out in my 3 inch think heels... and running around to make sure everyone is having a good time. but it was worth it.

i loved the mango beer... tired.... should hit the sack soon...

taking a step back

sometimes being stuck in a problem or similar issues .... is no good. often we just try with the same approach and just go round and round. i think its good to just take a step back and think. I've got a new problem: Inbox flood. Work + personal emails. + facebook + twitter + other alerts. + email subscribes. Argh. Starting to irritate me. Suddenly I realised instead of dealing it in the same way (as with my music + photos which are starting to pile up and t threatening to bust my mac's memory... I better deal with that now.

I think I waffle too much... need to learn to be more decisive... and also find a system to organise the onslaught of info thrown my way. PLUS the multiple streams I have to straddle. I need to tackle them NOW. Ok, tomorrow. At least I've decided to deal with that tomorrow.

Took MAJOR steps back that day... and wacthed a DVD - seeing how BIG the universe is and how tiny we are... pretty humbling... glad to have friends ping me out of now-where and give me little presents that remind me I'm still loved and remembered.

I need sleep. Now. :)

good break.

enjoyed today... finally... a weekend to chill

slept in *yippee* then went to have a badly-needed haircut... was really good... the massage rocks! plus feel a lot lighter...the hairstylist is good - senior stylist type of skills but set in the neighbourhood. pretty pricey on one hand but on the other, it's good value.

heh... was enjoying freakonomics. really a good read... like tipping point. kept me occupied... chowing on intellectual fodder for the afternoon before heading to the flea market. i'm such an indie chick! love the 'underground' exclusive feeling... looking at vintage wares... and woo hoo! got some mac + bobbi brown make up at good prices :)... from a make up artist who was peddling the wares.

great to hang out with friends... and also catch a concert by budak pandai - first time i heard them together. was really funny, good and entertaining. music really has that potential to lift + minister + bring a smile. on the songs made a lot of sense... about not looking to the past but to the future... about not asking why somethings happened but moving on. guess that's what i needed. heh.

popped by the library to borrow a couple of dvds and then catch up with family. father's day. was great to meet up with my grandma's sister. woo hoo! and also play with the cousins and chat with my uncles about china...

pretty nice saturday ... glad to have a nice break... it sure has been a while...

New.

had a long week... time to go sleep

was reading about bob dylan... am fascinated by him. not so much his music... that passes me by... but his non-chalance to his fans/ record company and just did what he wanted to do. admire that kind of security. want more of that. one thing i love about him is that look... or innocence and purity of curiousity... of rawness + authenticity. Nice.

glad the work week is over... looking forward to the weekend... and sleep... finally... :)

and yes... looking for a refill of courage, hope, strength in resilience.

promises.

_blank





that's how I feel. wanting to start on a new tab ... really wanting
something new... or simply the energy to pursue what's on my heart...
but just feel so tired, held back, and questioning. just want to look
inward but just live for myself. but that does not make sense either.





He makes all things new... and everything beautiful in His time. Do I dare believe and trust?

Color

Hmm



Is something wrong? My photos are desaturated... blur... foggy... reclusive...



seems i lost a bit of spark + colour... do hope to get it back soon.



:)

I have a dream?

finally watched dreamgirls... been wanting to watch it a long time.

It's pretty much hairspray actually... 60's music + set + touching on racial issues. Slightly American Gangster. Pretty entertaining. Loved the music + most of all, the editing - it was superb. The transitions were beautiful, very well crafted. My favourite... the opening sequence. LOVE IT. TOTALLY. I dig that kind of thing. Abstract and evoking emotions.

glad to just chill and watch a movie... today I'm really maxed. It's been a long week. Almost gruelling. Learnt lots. To make decisions faster. To be more firm. To be focused (like an athlete). To encourage and motivate myself and my team. To be accountable. But tough. Feel slightly drained now.

I think my work now is also a question.

And after the movie... I'm wondering... what's my dream. the naive thoughts... to the 'realistic' and slightly cynical state now... sigh... hope to find a good balance... in the middle... idealist realist? is it possible? is it passe? I don't know.

Yet learning to receive privileges and accept the responsibility. Of my choice. Things are blur and foggy... like my photos. Recently my photos are grittier.

Oh well... there's still hope. and victories. I think I need to sleep. :)

status.

gosh, i'm really sleepy... working lots these few days... want to hit my bed now... but need to check something my designer is sending over...

mmm... sleeeeeeepyyyy.... feeeling a little sore that my friends are now at family camp having loads of fun + meaningful time... :(

oh well... diff seasons...

Crispy Cream

Had two saccharine Krispy Kreme donuts this morning. Mom brought it back from HK.

Been a tiring weekend - had to log in and work somewhat. Feel tired.

Yet... need to focus... like athletes... need to give thanks as work is a privilege...

And yes... brace myself... for a new day.

I rest. In quietness and trust is my strength.

sleeppyyyyyyy

today was non stop action from 8am til 4pm... then lasted til 10pm+... was fun... heh

gg to sleep soon... after I finish playing my twitter account...

one day at a time

today was tough. lots of stuff to manage but learning.

lots of day to day requests etc yet also having to deliver deliverables. Quite a challenge. Firefighting + ongoing proj mgt + working in a team + tight timelines

one day at a time... looking to manage better tom =)

Reading...Feeding... Seeding...

Today was good - spent much of the day reading... emails and feeding on articles, study material and books. Been a long time since I had the bandwidth to read and grow...

Came across this article on that summarises my current thoughts...

Excerpt:

"We are uncertain of the next step, but we are certain of God. Immediately we abandon to God, and do the duty that lies nearest, He packs our life with surprises all the time...We are not uncertain of God, but uncertain of what He is going to do next...when we are rightly related to God, life is full of spontaneous, joyful uncertainty and expectancy...Leave the whole thing to Him, it is gloriously uncertain how He will come in, but He will come."

drizzle.

glad to just chill at home... had a rough start this week... but glad the work week ended on a good note. phew.

nice to just watch nigella - the summer feasts are shot really beautifully... so artistic... love it. just love the close ups.

glad to just chill.............and be online for fun.... and to post some new photos... http://www.flickr.com/photos/jayelle/

Bonus rounds in games - special obstacles with special prizes

These few days have been pretty tough... was struggling to do some work late last night when a friend encouraged me... that she takes her work like a game... and at times there are special bonus rounds - where it's a short moment of intense obstacles + bonus points. That helps. Looking at a full day today too. heh

But there will be enough grace and more than enough love...

End of the week

boy, the week has been long... and tiring...

slept til 12 today... and just cruised through the day... reading, watching DVD, cooking, eating...glad to know that there's still monday... so I can stretch the rest... really needing rest... it has been really non-stop action.

been thinking and feeling the China earthquake and the Myanmar situation...feel the ache... and want to do more... yet not sure how... and at the same time... life goes on...trying to get perspective yet also move on... still not sure how to deal with it...

really good rest today... really interesting to find out how similar Robert Downey Jr was so similar to Iron Man... and also the cast on Hairspray... on how the actors/actresses mirror their screen characters... what they bring to the table is different. on video shoots ... no matter how much you nail down on paper, the live performance is always electrifying (or not). The slight nuance, a single gesture, the attitude of what the actors/actresses bring to the set and how the director draws that out... is amazing. Maybe that's why it is called 'Creative'. Fun.

Glad I could do simple things today... just reading, surfing, being at home... nice to finally visit Jill Sander... love her minimalist design. And also roasted red peppers - YUMZ + tried a new seasoning for chicken - chilli flakes, nutmeg, salt and pepper... Yay! It turned out well. I like it!

My eyes are closing...

whataweek.

mmmm....it has been a hectic week... just finished some work... (but glad at least I have some time off to myself... )

i miss blogging......... and my mac *xoxo*

stopped drinking coke zero and drank camomile tea with honey today instead... (better)

finally got the lavendar massage oil from body shop... (that should come in handy the next few weeks)...

looking forward to Sat already...so I can crash... but oh well... the work's so far been pretty fun. like the idea that its ground breaking

zzzzzzz

Breezy.

I love the wind blowing to my face in the middle of the night. Such a cooling, refreshing, soothing feeling...

It's cool tonight... after a day of rain...

I had a new paradigm on 'rest' today... that it takes more faith to rest than just doing all the time.

Glad for friends... had so much fun just laughing, playing and hanging out.

Yes, it's way past my bedtime... heh...zzzzzzz

Learn and Grow. (This sounds like some kid's school's tagline)

yawn... sleepy...

it has been an interesting week so far. glad to know that there's so much I don't know.

And yeah... I need to learn to be more objective and positive. I can be quite negative, pessimistic and even pretty quick to slap on an opinion and write things/ people off at times. Good point to improve on.

Look forward to learning more tomorrow. This is fun. :)

Adjusting.

So much for normalcy

Woke up really late today and grr... was late for work 10 mins... and missed QT. then felt like i was rushing through the day...

things settled in post meeting... but must discipline to go sleep early. Like now.

Okok... let's not beat myself up... I make mistakes... and I also am adjusting... after this I get a better idea of things... heh.

time to zzzz

Normalcy

Today seems a return to normalcy.

Finally (finally) went for a walk. First one after starting work.

Cooked barley water. Had a good chat with bro about work. Lol.

Really glad to feel more alive and also cleared some of the must-clears on my table. Its been sitting there for a long time.

heh. this is a good feeling.

One day at a time

Gosh - the changes are as expected but now I'm feeling the crunch

The pace is super fast, workload is heavy and feeling physically tired. Just yawned.

There's an excitement yet a tinge of doubt.

There's joy yet some a tinge of fear and restlessness.

Jumping from 50 km/h to 80-120km/h is quite an adjustment.

Also am hunting... hunting for the excitement, push that was once there. Emotionally am trying to push ahead... need life. Felt something had died, had faded away... That I don't even feel like trying anymore...

Thankful for Delirious singing something just for the high 'c's - Every little thing, will just be alright.

I'm sure these things will work out. I have peace, bearing and purpose. For such a time like this. If I 'perish' by having to do more work, I 'perish'. Die to self I suppose. Okies - back to the plough.

breathe....

listening to Norah Jones...

yeah... spent the day just trying to catch my breath...and wondering... had a mtg that seemed all too familiar - agency galore... and interesting to see a similar yet different landscape... thinking about agency life vs client life... thinking about social good vs expertise...

my eyes are closing...

taking care of myself

heh

i like cooking - gives me a sense of satisfaction.

cooked simple beehoon, vege and tofu soup. healthy and nice =) quite a nice change from all the fast food and nonsense food... hahaha...

cooked pasta for the week - gotta start saving on food - super pricey eating at orchard area. heh.

tired.... gg to zzzz soon. happy.

sleeeeeeeeeppppeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee (sleeping for beauty)

tis gonna be a new week.

mmm... slowly making the changes and adjusting.

one marked change is that i'm really pooped. was walking around with half closed eyes today.

eeeks! its almost eleven... okies... bed time soon. no wonder my N sleeps at 1030pm every night. that's about the time to sleep if i wanna wake up at 630am. So far I've been waking up at 7am. Hmm... shall i try 630am tomorrow? Gosh... this is tiring. but good. heee heeee.

cute that on my wish-lists are more online products, more gadgets... heee.... wanna explore more online stuff too...

time to slllleeeeeeeeeppppppp.....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

the key to better skin... (argh... my eczema patches are back... gg to try to rid them this week...)...

早睡早起

Hmm... I'm beginning to like this early morning things... by the time it was 11ish 12 last night... my eyes were closing...

woke up this morning... felt tired yet slightly fresh. happy to just take the car and drop off something and went to Ikea to have breakfast and do some work. *happy*. Didn't scratch anybody's car... didn't get lost... and didn't need any maps (ok, streetdirectory.com.sg was down). Heh. Feel happy. Might be small to many people, but to me, its a big deal. Mobility and overcoming fears and mistakes.

I like the early morning feel... feel fresher and more productive. Heh. Think I'll stick to this rhythm... *big grin*

Feel glad that my breathing and stamina is better too. Yest went for a lovely tan and swim (just made me feel that I got out of the country)... (loved just resting under the sun - super feel good feeling).. and really glad that I could swim continuously without getting out of breath (those gym cycles are doing me some good)... and my nose actually feels clearer (Yes! been praying for that... and also wanna dive one day!!!)

Hee. 早睡早起身体好！

Trust-I-N-G

gosh. I slept at 9pm last night. Record. Woke up at 6am. Record.

Just super duper tired - had a packed weekend + late Sun & Mon nights. Still slightly sleepy but better.

my body is still adjusting to all these changes... finding an equilibrium point etc.

need to focus. focus. focus. FOCUS.

So far, so fun. Focus on simple things, simple truths. Trusting everything else will be taken care of.

I need another Bridget Jones Diary fix

Tonight was hard. Felt like Bridget Jones, sitting amidst all the couples. Good thing is, at least I'm not asked hard questions. But sigh, it was really hard. Sat was difficult, tonight was worse. Tough to sit around glowing, basking friends whom I've grown up with... with their new found partners beside them. Or friends who had married and moved on with life. I want a car too (though there's no other reason than just feeling like there's something tangible that I have).

I suppose, if a good thing comes at a wrong time, it is not too good. Feel slightly strange - I'm not your typical Singaporean gal nor have a typical journey. But one Big comfort is that I know the One who loves me, made me, called me, walks with me and holds me.

Even the camera is provision tonight - a way for me to hide, a way for me to be occupied and not have to make small talk that is too painful now. Feel strange also, feel part yet not fully part of this community. Just a pretty strange feeling.

Oh well...read this line that makes sense "Father knows that good friends move away"... teared when I read this. Its just been so hard - good friends moving overseas, good friends getting paired off. Maybe such is globalisation and also growing up. Yes, even "Friends" had to end. But I'm just glad I have an Anchor, a Harbour and a Friend who never goes away. 24/7.

I am one happy girl

Gadgety-gadgety-gadgety-Hop!

Heeeeeeee heeeeeeeee heeeeeeeee. Wah. Some of really good friends pooled together and gave me something I really been wanting for years (its one of those you want and will almost never drag yourself to go get). Ooh.... the pen mouse on the tablet is ssssssssmmmmmoooooooooooooooothhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Nice. Now I can just scribble scribble scribble scribble scribble...

hahahahahah.... managed to buy music of the net.... hahahahahhaahaha

(I guess I don't really like technology for its sake. I just love the relational part. Haaaaa... and the creating part... and the fun part...)

Yay! I got through the week (today was a bit tougher - on coffee 'drip', ate McDonald's breakfast, ate a Snickers bar, ate Soya Bean ice cream and dinner). Gosh. But Yay! I had a great week. One of the happiest (and super thankful) week I ever had in months! But amidst that - is a deep rest. This is my Father's world. I don't know about tomorrow, but I know who holds my hand.

*eyes closing*

I won't worry my life away.

(made this Mojito yesterday! Yumz. Yumz. The joys of knowing how to cook/ concoct)

This is my 2nd day at work. Enjoying it as it goes. Like many things about it... feel I'm expressing another side of me...

My switch to the PC wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Of course, there's the occasional slip from the Ctrl to Command. Haha. Hmm... I think I'm a Pac not a Mc. Ha. Grin. A Mac fronted by a PC for now. Ha. Lol.

Gosh... am sleepy... got to get used to this new zzzz pattern.

I like Jason Mraz's line: I won't worry my life away...

Late Night Writing

Hmm... I understand why people like to write/create at night. Its cooler. Its quieter. And it has an ethereal feel - a separate feeling, like being away.

Certainly Certainty.

Here I am, at Starbucks... drinking a cup of hot steamed milk with Irish Cream. Yumz.

Glad this is facing some outdoor... weather has been dreary.

Feel sad and tired. Yet arising to trust and hope. In all uncertainty there is a Bigger certainty.

=)

Silent Beauty

Mmm... listening to "Waited All my Life" - my fav song from the Raul Midon Set...

Caught the Mosaic Festival and it was really good stuff listening to him... he's an inspiration man! Blind. Yet such beauty.

My fav part of the concert was when he shared that he devised this new slapping technique when he lost his voice for months in NY due to overworking. Gosh... it was sheer beauty. He was saying so much through that technique. Reminded me of my art pieces - wordless rants.

Almost the whole hall gave him a standing ovation... I believe he 'saw'. That was a great moment.

Sugar Rush

My brother asked me, "Are you on a sugar rush?"

Heh. Yeah, coz I was putting on the British accent while creating the dessert for myself and later having an American accent. Can't help but link food with Nigella and Project Runway with New York. Grin.

I feel energized. These few days turned out a lot more fruitful. I was really needing some encouragement, motivation and empowerment. And divinely, I met this group in this writer's workshop : amazing people - people who had gone through some really rough life situations, people with a heart for social responsibility, photographers, editors, publishers and it was really really wonderful.

I came away feeling excited by the energy and the love of the people. I feel more empowered to improve on what I am/will write. Strangely, it was not just principles I "extracted" merely, but it was also healing that I felt. The shared insecurity of writers, the desire to make an impact (but keeping it realistic) and little nuggets of wisdom dished out that was born out of pain.

Today, things fell in place. I managed to let go of many things of the article I'm writing and replace it with new and better modifications. Its the big things that scare us, but its the little things that make a difference, to borrow from Malcolm Gladwell.

I feel I have my own Project Runway experience - going to submit more writing samples. Let's see if it tips. =)

Samba away rehab.

These are the moments that light up my journey. Yes, its been crazily hard these few months, crying and crying and crying. And then God shows up. Have been wanting a red work bag for a long time - searching when I'm shopping but to no avail. And guess what? My mom came back from her Robinson's sale and got me a red leather bag - the kind of size I like, slightly understated, not too much embellishments, great texture. I'm amazed. Its at times like this that I really stand amazed at my Father. I'm like "What???". Feel hugged.

Really thankful for friends... really was not in a group social mood and was great to have lunch with ALC and LO. Nice to have a birthday treat and be encouraged. ALC said something that caught my heart - that this yucky season is to move me onto a stronger & firmer foundation. And this is a black tunnel not a black hole. Bumped into reg-reg and had a quick chat with her... yes, the barrenness will become fruitfulness. Soon, I hope.

Tried a new "QT" style today - Relevant Mag & online ref. Heh. Good. I like this quote :

Many of God's truths are mysterious, strange, difficult. But much of what God has said is plain, virtually impossible to misconstrue: Trust, Love, Give. Hope...What would happen on the mountain and in Egypt and on the waves was not their (Abraham, Moses, Peter) concern, Their courageous obedience to the simple, clear instructions was the one test that stood before them.

- Winn Coller

This is encouraging. I have NO idea what's next. All I hear is "Trust", "Be positive" "I made the universe" and the picture of a match. I don't understand the last 7 years of my journey but I KNOW I have walked step by step in obedience. And that's the point perhaps. Not so much if I've made any impact (I'm sure there is) or whether I've gained much (struggle with this a lot) BUT the mere fact was I obeyed. Perhaps I need to just be happy with that and leave what I don't know, as it is and keep trusting. Maybe the whole point of it was whether or not I would obey, not so much what effect or fruit I would produce. Maybe. Maybe this is the small change that will bring a tipping point. Then I won't need a spiritual "rehab". Maybe it's like Samba - there's no fixed steps, just move to the music. Maybe I need to just let go of knowing and just sway to the music freely.

I am loved.

Ooh... I finally hit the Big THREE-O. Feels different. Was dreading this the whole year actually. But somehow I feel empowered. I feel new. I feel like wanting to try new things, do new stuff. Heh.

It has been a really really rough year. Just glad to have ridden it out til now. Pure grace. There are still stuff to work out, but glad am facing it.

Love this book! Thanks to Meen who got it 4 me from her US trip. Ha. Love the writing. It is both practical yet with such a sense of humour, quirkiness and an attitude of living life with a kick. Ha. Its like growing old without needing to "resign to things" but to face life with more inner strength. Never thought I'd be taking multi vitamins, but I am. Never thought I'd live life more sensibly, but I am. No more fast and furious, all or nothing but wise passion, smarter allocations. I think I'm already liking my growing up... (heh)





Just very thankful. For the good friends that surround me. All the smses throughout the whole day, the hugs, the words of encouragement, the presents, the time and yes, flowers. Heh. Feel very loved. Its tough, but glad there are people who love me and bother enough. Sure helps to combat the difficulties now. I am a conqueror too. I will fight on. I will heal. I will love myself and allow myself to be loved.

Want. Rant. Grant.

A breeze just swept across my face. Ah... the stillness of the night.

I think the greatest artistic push these few years had really been out of deep frustration, angst, anger and pain. Seeking to find relief from them, I create.

Its a great night. I finally measured the L and W for my curtains. Its been bugging me for months. And hahahaha... finally got the mirrorball to rotate and got the right spotlight to shine on it (thanks to my lighting expert friend and also the Ikea voucher from the Chias. Oh yes and my bro & dad for helping me fix it up). Heh.

Been crying and crying and crying. ARGH. Glad to let it out on the paintings. Sometimes pain has no name. Sometimes life does not make sense. Neither does God explain to us sometimes. Look at Job. I don't think he ever knew why he had to suffer so much.

Happy - to figure out how to use the chinese software and also to insert keyframes in FCP express. Glad. FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY got to do the abstract video piece of NY that I've always been wanting to do. FINALLY.

I feel sad. Very sad. Wants are granted, not demanded.

Let's count blessings - glad I had WL asked me out for lunch today and she gave me a pre-birthday treat! She's a lovely friend. Glad that Gloria Jeans have $2 offer for 2-6pm. Mmm... I had a yummy Hazelnut latte. Glad SY listened and prayed for me. Just glad someone bothers. Sigh... it has been so difficult...

Ok ok... tomorrow - I get to write a brilliant essay and also go cycling. So cheer up gal. It's late, go to sleep.

Quintessentially Singaporean

Mmm...these are some of the moments I feel so proud to be a Singaporean. Went to catch Dim Sum Dollies's History of Singapore. MY GOSH! It was soooooooooooooo gooooooooooooooood. *faints* I was laughing almost non stop. It was so colloquial, so tied to memories of growing up and quintessentially Singaporean. It was great fun just to laugh at ourselves. Some parts are actually quite poignant too. Selena is a genius - how she manages to script in things of the present and link it to the past. So much of our past never really went away actually... it is just resurfacing as different forms now. An 'ang moh' will not understand or enjoy this play as much (unless he/she grew up here and understands dialects)... the "market" for such plays may be small but it makes me feel special actually... that no one else in the whole wide world can appreciate all this... except us... "We are Singapore, we are Singaporeans..." I wanted to give a standing ovation, but I'm too Singaporean for once... to stand up.

*A BIG SATISFIED PROUD SMILE* *GROUP HUG(SINGAPOREANS ONLY), ANYBODY?*

Quotes of the Day

Tired. Just finished some freelance work.

Learning to relax... and to take things one step at a time (dun think too far ahead or short term). Rather emo day... lost some things, had some shattered dreams and some broken parts of me needs some mending.

Yes, still preparing for interviews, has been fun, but quite tiring. Feel more tired than work! Yes, trust, not worry about future. And trying to enjoy and not pack in too many things this week. Gosh, I'm turning 3 decades next week!

Some interesting quotes of the day (to spur myself on):

"God gave you unique DNA, so your job is to discover how your unique gifts and talents can differentiate your ministry from everyone else's"

“Don’t ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and go do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” (Howard Thurman).

Perspective.

today has been quite a whirlwind. Just felt like so many things happened all in one day. good lah... things are unraveling

dropped by the office and sent a good bye mail - felt happy to have some nice responses. feel very happy and free... something I have not felt for a long time... had lunch with an elder person and was just great to hear his perspective on my journey... and sure helped clarify many knots in my head. So so glad I met up to listen to his wise words... yay!

had to deal with not being able to get a policy due to a health condition but learning that there's hope. to look forward and not the past =)...haha.. took my mind away by doing shopping research... hahah... fun fun fun... went for a walk too... good... good... good...

Hee... I must love and embrace myself... *self hug*

I'm a 30 something soon

LOL.

Had a bunch of JC pals over for lunch and it was just hilarious. Besides catching up who's given birth, work stuff (the usuals)... there was also some reference to the past and its totally hilarious. I love how we have "aged" yet remain as crazy as ever. The guffaws, the chuckling just rings... even after these ten over years. Gosh. We knew each other more than a decade. *gasp* Soon... each of us will be 30 something... (Quick Jamie Cullum, write another song for this age group!) Just totally funny how I bumped into YQ's ex-fiance... and Jackie bumped into my ex-boyfriend. And also some bitching about ex-school mates. Haha. Felt like it was a folder from "Sex in the City" or something. Ha. Played our favourite past time game - Bridge. Really really fun and its just crazy just guffawing over the slight wins. I think our intelligence is pretty level, it was usually just losing over a set or too.

Mmm... watched STOMP... (yes, another DVD)... lovely... I love percussion. I love rhythm. I love bassie-ness. I wanna go Cuba. Haha... and yes... it was filmed in NY! Gosh. Is every other thing filmed there? Out of the 5 DVDs & 1 film I watched, 3 were filmed there. Glad I went to that Arts Mecca.. just happy I could "identify" with the places there. *feel happy*

Hmm... watched another chick flick (chick flick galore!)- Bridget Jone's Diary. Ha ha. Funny. Was good. "Sex in the City" is just a glamed up, souped up version of that. Ha. Kinda can identify with these shows. Hahahaahah. Giggled when Bridget had to meet happy & made marriage couples who seem to think that people who are single have something wrong with them *sickening*. Lol. Loved that scene. Grin... well.. this year's CNY is not that bad... just had TWO aunties who whispered... "Do you have a boyfriend"... the other who saw a photo of Kev and me... "Is he your boyfriend?". DUH. hahah.

Yeah... on some days I would LUUURRRVVVEEE to be attached and "happily" married with kids and all... but some days... I think of crappy marriages and the responsibility of ACTUALLY rearing kids and working at a relationship... the cons kinda weigh out the pros. I suppose... just live life as vivaciously as possible and even with a vengeance. Life can throw darts at me.. but I'm not gonna fall under it but face it and fight back. And as the river flows to the sea... as my mama says... let nature take its course. LOL. Let's see who I'll eventually end up with (or not!)

Happy CNY to me. I love myself *muaaaaaccccck*

Tribute to Glenn Gould

Virtuosic Genius

I'm amazed at how someone can find so much pleasure in structure. Glenn Gould is amazing. He plays the piano... no... he doesn't play it... he lives the music. He conducts it, he interacts with it and finds so much pleasure in producing such a clear sound in technical virtuosity. My gosh! In good tempo too. Wow.

So focused, so deep, so dedicated. Part of the fun is watching them enjoy playing - like watching Lang Lang, Yo Yo Ma...

It's great he has a choice. He hates playing concerts... and enjoys the recording studio. Eventually that's what he did. Just record. And conduct and compose later on. What a great progression for his career. What do I want to do? Can I even have the latitude to choose?

He doesn't strike the piano, but pulls it from the bottom... really reminds me of what my piano teacher taught me. To draw the sound out. To lift the sound. Mmm... and all the finger exercises... to isolate the fingers from the arm at times... or to use the wrist at times... now its making sense. BLAH... I wished I was less lazy last time. Ha. The follies of being young. To throw away opportunities and squander time.

Hmm... a new desire is building... to play more... I really want to get into this Jazz piano thing more... hmm... ... maybe its time to throw myself into something... Otaku as Seth Godin puts it... sometimes I wish to go overseas... just want to run away from responsibility at times. I feel tired. really tired.

JSB is suddenly cool

Happy CNY.

Phew... my whole clan just left. Hmm... really been battling... the feelings that I've been giving too much... to my family, to support my mom, to really serve. Really trying hard to give to myself too... like making sure I read, watch DVDs, go run... just to re-fuel. Tough. Wish my brother can be a little more helpful. Feel tired. Really learning to serve, give, bless and sacrifice. Hope I find my Hoops soon... dunno where it went after everyone left. Hope it did not get hijacked by somebody. Hahah...

Been watching DVDs rented from the awesome Singapore National Library. I love our Library - its well stocked and has great stuff! I love the DVD section... since my research into film styles... I've been renting cool avant garde black and white movies to watch. I love that era. Somehow it has quite a charm. Jean Luc Godard's "A Woman, a woman" was fantastic!

Hmm... this recent batch... had "Bus Stop" - which was really slow and crappy. Just wanted to watch Marilyn Monroe in action. But it really was quite a bore. The story line was also quite bland. Hmm... I loved "I've heard the Mermaids Singing"... need to process some themes... lovely lovely lovely movie... I want to get a copy!

Just watched famed pianist "Glenn Gould"... lovely... his fingers are like waters flowing in a river. I think I rediscovered Bach. Used to HATE Bach and Hadyn when I was a kid... hated the structure, hated the seemingly restrictive emotions. I loved Debussy and everything in the Romantic era... or more commonly called... "The 3rd piece" (those who take ABRSM exam pieces will know this...). Watching Glenn Gould play Bach's concerto... it really opened my eyes to appreciate Bach all over again. Yes, there can be a wide range of emotions and latitude within structure too. Was great watching the documentary, there's a certain rawness to it. Gould is intense and focused. Really inspired to practice more. I really would like to meet my old piano teacher who really taught me so much...to appreciate music and not just pass exams. I remember her talking about Gould...

Hee... tom will watch more DVDs! =)

I wish for world peace.

haha

just watched the Kungfu Panda trailer... helped diffused some bottled up unhappiness. *kick* *slap* *slash bricks* hahahahahahah

went for a run... i think i should run more... helps me fight the negativity and painful thoughts. makes me feel happy. makes me feel I'm fighting the odds. makes me feel i'm conquering. even though i struggle to breathe (wish my severe allergic rhinitis would go away)...

can't wait for my night to turn to day. I wish for world peace.

a 360

Feel happy. Had a nice chill day with friends and family. My brother is getting more enjoyable. Ha.

Watched the replay of the men's Aust open and saw the final finish. And Woo Hoo! Got to catch my favourite sport - snowboarding. I love to watch the female freestyle. AMAZING. I just love it. I love the smoothness, I love the stunts. I love the flight. At some angles, you can see the sun and even snow dispersing. Nice. I wish I had a chance to have learnt it.

Hmm... I'm feeling older. Feel I'm growing out of my cartoon tees and some kiddyness. Feel like getting more basics, more blacks, more whites, more greys. Even today... I feel like wearing a blouse instead of a tee.

Felt heavy today at service. Cried almost all the way. Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love you tomorrow, is only a day away...

Wrapped.

Mmm... a nice cold beer after the shoot is over... mmm...

Nice...

Finally the shoot is over... its been 6 full on days of shoot. I'm running here, running there, calling here, calling there. My gosh! Its full on craziness. hahaha...but fun. One of those things I'll remember for life.

Learnt how to deal with monkeys, saw a beautiful poisonous snake, arranged for a crane lorry shot, did some food styling, got to shop for cast and best of all, got to drive a buggy!!! My lifelong dream came true. WOO HOO! =) Was so scared of the slopes. But thankfully J taught me the concept behind it and after that it was pure fun. GOSH. I felt I really overcame the hills.



Loved being there at 6am. It was unearthly, had to wake at 5. But it was worth it. Weather was great and the sight was just unbelievable! One of the MOST beautiful sights I seen in Singapore! I even saw a few stars. OOH. It really was AWESOME!



The crew this round is fantastic! Professional, fast, on time, HILARIOUS and wonderful to work with. I really really enjoyed myself. I was happy to work with the director too. Clear boundaries. Calm decision making. Direct instructions. Glad I'm moving on with a good note.

Sleeeeeepie... Tired! Gosh, shoots are bad for health. Coke, coke, coke. Nasi Lemak, prata and super yummy food from the F&B outlets. My fav was the nian gao with sweet potato on top and yam at the bottom. YUMMY! Faints...Gotta run and detox next week!!! Back to the GYM.

I enjoy production work mostly because I get to meet a lot of different people... these few days... met golf pros, tennis coaches, security guards, high flying people, difficult to please people, supportive client, experienced crew, make up artist, actor, actress etc... just glad to find out a bit more of their life and glean some insights.

Some thoughts of the week... after facing all the rich people and their kids...
1) Am I satisfied with my lifestyle? What standard of living do I want?
2) Builder, Trainer, Marker (what I learnt from the tennis coach)... what do I do best? Work on foundations? Work on strokes? Work on strategy?
3) What kind of kids do I want to raise? What kind of opportunities do I want them to have?

Wished my parents were more outdoorsy... and wished I had the privilege to bowl, play tennis etc... these kids do get a headstart... they really just get richer and richer I suppose. Ha. Realise I have baggage... had super rich schoolmates in primary and JC life... kinda always felt a little less than them...Hmm... gotta sort this out.

Happy my bro got dinner for me and lent me his new PSP. Hee hee. Nice. I think I got to figure out how to play car games. I suck at it. HAHA.

Gg to watch some DVDs to unwind.... glad and sad the week is over. Production is fun - you spend so much waking hours together the whole day, there's some kind of bond. Its like a school camp... really fun and really enjoyed the shoot. And there was so much grace and favour for the shoot. Things took off. People were confirmed. Weather was good. WAH. Amazing!

Content.

Change.

Hmm... today has been an interesting day.

feel a bit more grown up and kinda growing out of my cartoon tee phase. prefer solid colours now - modish. would love a blue skirt or top. red thin belt. saw a shiny black jacket at topshop i like. yumz.

glad - went down to queensway with bro and eeeks! ate mackers, bleh. oh well, once in a blue moon. Been wanting a more corporate looking specs... went to the first shop... neh.. could not find anything... was wondering if i ever would find one... then i went back to my usual optician... OOH... I found a pair I LIKE.. its black rimmed yet in a flattering shape and best of all... it has green and orange sides. metal. WAH. corporate yet not boring, with a little funk. YAY! feel encouraged.

Came home and read and write and write and read and write... i love doing it. I came across a FANTASTIC article on Mash Culture with its cut and paste ethos. WAH. I enjoyed it thoroughly. Hmm... need to write an article on why design IS important. And LOL looked at my personality assessment... hmmm... I used to see these things as weaknesses and now... there's no value judgement... its just my reactions when I am stressed. Ooh... a new paradigm... and I am shocked at its accuracy. Feel kinda raw and strange... that a test can actually generate these results. GOSH. FAINTS. Also grappling with who I am all off a sudden. And also hoping deeply that God gives me a job in an environment where I can soar. *faints*

I want to be loved too.

life goes on.

open heart. open wounds. open hand. open soul.

"Living in true beauty can require much waiting, much time, much tenacity of spirit. We must constantly direct our gazes toward the face of God, even in the presence of longing and sorrow. It is in the waiting that our hearts are enlarged. The waiting does not diminish us. As a pregnant women is enlarged in her waiting, so are our hearts. God does not always rescue us out of a painful season. You know that he does not always give to us what we so desperately want when we want it. He is after something much more valuable than our happiness. Much more substantive than our health, He is restoring and growing in us an eternal weight of glory. And some times... it hurts... a heart awakened to its sorrow. It is more aware, more present, and more alive, to all of the facets of life."

- Captivating, John and Stasi Elderedge

This long season of waiting, tearing, kneeling is really tough. It feels like when I'm 3/4 to reaching my running goal or cycling goal... the time when I feel like giving up yet I want to press on to reach the goal. And these are the times of growth and muscle stretching. I know its good for me but oh so painful. The tearing apart. The weaning off things that used to be my security. Strengthening my grip and trust.

Reading these few lines just brought so much comfort... that the waiting is redemptive, not relentless. He will never let me down and be the shelter I have always wanted... and the Love beyond the gates into the depths of my soul.

It's Still Raining

It's the new year. Just a few days and things are still really rough and tough. Am fighting on and its wearing me out. Yes, it's still raining.

Thankful for enough grace, enough strength to just a little longer, a little further. Its like running a marathon... and when it almost seems unbearable, a water station pops up or a friend comes by the side to cheer.

Glad a friend got me out of the house early this morning to Ikea. Heh heh, got to use my vouchers and got some really nice stuff - a new table, a spot light for my mirror ball and some knick knacks I really want.

Hmm... CNY is coming soon...

Glad I'm here at Starbucks with this good pal - just really need some company. To continue this writing project that was embarked on. Good, if not I'd just be moping at home and sleeping maybe. Ha.

Hmm... I want a bag of chips... (Argh... trying to get back to eating less...)

Full.

Hmm...

today is the first day of work after a long time... still tough... but enough grace... just when things start to dip... a buzz comes from a friend. came back and kneeled... and surrendered again...

read peter drucker's book on mgt...glad to know that good ideas can come from unexpected twists... never expected to reach such a low state in this journey... fight on... not by myself

i think i must stop eating so much... haha... looking forward to running and the gym...gosh just a couple of weeks of no gyming and munches... the tummy returns!!!! arrrrrrrrgggggghhhh..... heee. oh well... tomorrow, i'll go!

was fun to move here... new neighbours... good party fun. talk laugh take silly photos. fun. ha. still brought some relief to the otherwise dull and tough day. fun to experiment with silly shots. hahaah...

i like my nails - orange shiny works for me. like it better than the sweety pinks. eeeks. hahahahaahha

glad for friendships built on grace... was feeling blah about what a friend said. instead of just keeping mum and be angry (thinking i'm not)and eventually blow up (coz i was just suppressing the hurts)... so glad I learnt to first forgive, extend grace and then let the other person know how I feel so that there can be a chance for reconciliation. and when it does, the friendship gets stronger. glad i can stop feeling powerless and pretend it does not matter or in my conflict avoidance slants, i just swallow the pain... glad i took at step out.

tomorrow is a new day... fresh love, grace and hope. more than enough. look forward to tomorrow.

over the counter

hmm... listening to Norah Jones now

just got back from watching My Blueberry Nights by Wong Kar Wai...

glad for friend whom I went out with... thankful that different seasons, I have different guy friends to hang out with... was fun just watching artsy movies together, have dinner, chat, laugh and learning more about each other. realise he's a really down to earth dude who really has relationships in good perspective.

hmm... the movie was rather slow moving... but the shots were beautiful. some surrealistic elements, contrasty, grainy, time lapsed and unconventional framings. Liked the style lots. the story was not new, a little lasseiz faire... very much the personality of the music of Norah Jones. Kinda cruisy, moody not much excitement some sadness quiet flowy. There were some pretty moving dialogue and analogies.

My favourite was the part where she was supposed to go into the cafe and confront her boyfriend with the new girl and she let go of the door she was holding on. there was so much focus and lingering on that movement... where the door knob was held on... for a long time... and finally that release... to go... as 2008 comes by... I want to let go what needs to be let go... perhaps faster?

i liked the play on words about doors, keys... how sometimes even if we still have keys to the doors... the person in there may not be there anymore... nice...

i dun like blueberries... but perhaps i should go get a blueberry pie with ice cream one of these days... maybe it will be love accidentally (instead of actually)... ha...