Work for What?

Two things that popped up esp from the movie -
1>> What do we work for? Do we give up our dreams for money or use whatever we have to fulfill our dreams?
2>> Decide for yourself. I think that's what I need to do. Decide. And not be afraid of failure, future or being a fool.

Went to a Campus event tonight...

>> Returned to the place where my vision was fresh - the fire within
>> Reminded of what is important in life - live, love, learn, leave a legacy
>> Refreshed by the joy, commitment, love that is in the place

And really glad that I have good friends... who walk with me, eat with me, bother about me. I am deeply loved. Thank you - SY, Cly, Miss E, Gaby & the CP Peeps (I quite hip hop one eh? haha... I know you all read my blog one... hahaha)

Life. Its real. Can be harsh. Unpredictable. Dangerous. Painful. But fun. Joyful. Adventurous. Challenging. Making the best out of it.

light

am finally seeing some light

today was another difficult day. frayed. threads were coming off... but new revelation awaits...

when broken pottery lays on the floor... the only way back is mending...

am starting to see some light...

i am reminded today on what my name means... on my destiny to stand on great heights. including that of difficulties, mountains, pain, disparate experiences, uncertainties, risks, suffering, paths strewn with broken glass...

this whole season of blues...forces me to question... what was... so that in the future, there can be what is. Am reminded of Heb 12:27 - The words "once more" indicate the removing of what can be shaken—that is, created things—so that what cannot be shaken may remain.

Shakings... of old thoughts, old foundations, old securities... that need to be removed. So that what remains is gold.

So that new tenets, new boundaries, new tools, new perspectives, new understanding can be birthed.

Broken

With torn sails and a broken compass
I see the endless horizon
Will I meet pirates or will I be shipwrecked?
Will I be able to weather more?

My fuel is running out again
I fear to be in the red once more
Much I had risked to take this journey
now stuck on an island ahoy

The storms have weathered my tenets
Am barely holding my frame
The sun has discoloured my paint
Am needing some make up alas

My crew has left me
Leaving some around
Glad for a new team
But afraid to trust

Dishevelled, dissapointed, disillusioned
Will hope return?
Flickers, I see around
Waiting for fire to flame

Can't wait to sail
But first I need to be fixed
Captain, Oh Captain
Find me an anchor to replace my frail hope

splash

love the hills publicity material.

like this pix... talks about feminity yet subtlety...

am in a subtle mood recently... pensive.. pondering...reflecting...

keeping fresh.

An Interesting Methodology
**********************************************************************
"The Japanese have always loved fresh fish. But the waters close to Japan have not held any fish for decades. So to feed the Japanese population, fishing boats got bigger and went farther than ever. The farther the fishermen went, the longer it took to bring in the fish. If the return trip took more than a few days, the fish were not fresh. The Japanese did not like the taste. To solve this problem, fishing companies installed freezers on their boats. They would catch the fish and freeze them at sea. Freezers allowed the boats to go farther and stay longer. However, the Japanese could taste the difference between fresh and frozen and they did not like frozen fish. The frozen fish brought a lower price. So fishing companies installed fish tanks. They would catch the fish and stuff them in the tanks, fin to fin. After a little thrashing around, the fish stopped moving. They were tired and dull, but alive. Unfortunately, the Japanese could still taste the difference. Because the fish did not move for days, they lost their fresh-fish taste. The Japanese preferred the lively taste of fresh fish, not sluggish fish. So how did Japanese fishing companies solve this problem? How do they get fresh-tasting fish to Japan?

If you were consulting the fish industry, what would you recommend?

As soon as you reach your goals, such as finding a wonderful mate, starting a successful company, paying off your debts or whatever, you might lose your passion. You don't need to work so hard so you relax.


You experience the same problem as lottery winners who waste their money, wealthy heirs who never grow up and bored homemakers who get addicted to prescription drugs.

Like the Japanese fish problem, the best solution is simple. It was observed by L. Ron Hubbard in the early 1950's. "Man thrives, oddly enough, only in the presence of a challenging environment."- L. Ron Hubbard

The Benefits of a Challenge:

The more intelligent, persistent and competent you are, the more you enjoy a good problem. If your challenges are the correct size, and if you are steadily conquering those challenges, you are happy. You think of your challenges and get energized. You are excited to try new solutions. You have fun. You are alive!


How Japanese Fish Stay Fresh:

To keep the fish tasting fresh, the Japanese fishing companies still put the fish in the tanks. But now they add a small shark to each tank. The shark eats a few fish, but most of the fish arrive in a very lively state. The fish are challenged.

Recommendations:

Instead of avoiding challenges, jump into them. Beat the heck out of them. Enjoy the game. If your challenges are too large or too numerous, do not give up. Failing makes you tired. Instead, reorganize. Find more determination, more knowledge, more help.

If you have met your goals, set some bigger goals. Once you meet your personal or family needs, move onto goals for your group, the society, even mankind. Don't create success and lie in it. You have resources, skills and abilities to make a difference.

So, put a shark in your tank and see how far you can really go!"

Unlocking

Ooh... one of my best loved movies is Chocolat! Was reccommended by a dear friend in 04, as a passing remark at a DVD store. thanks to hollywood clicks.com... gotcha!

Hmm... i deeply love the movie, a rare movie that i would want to spend another 2 plus hours of my life to watch it again (variety is my badge, not repeatedness). Anyway... I love the story...

>> of how she waltzes to her own tunes, wears red shoes instead of black and sticks by what she believes in and pays the price

>> of painting how the church should be - "Do I want to speak of the miracle of our Lord's divine transformation? Not really, no. I don't want to talk about his divinity. I'd rather talk about his humanity. I mean, you know, how he lived his life, here on Earth. His *kindness*, his *tolerance*... Listen, here's what I think. I think that we can't go around... measuring our goodness by what we don't do. By what we deny ourselves, what we resist, and who we exclude. I think... we've got to measure goodness by what we *embrace*, what we create... and who we include." Deeply stirring

>> freedom from old tranquilite - where traditions that are binding and restricts freedom breaks... where what is hidden is shown in light, when love and passion is unlocked. Where people are free and happy.

>> And the subtle yet powerful acting by Julitte Binoche!!! moves me deeply

>> the whole ethereal feel to the movie... dreamy...

lovely lovely lovely...

history

one of the main threads of 2006 is 'history'

"We have a rich past. A great past. One that we honor not only for its historical perspective but for the way it points to our future."

very touching. That i am part of the future of people's history.

Throw Throw Throw

i'm having a lot of fun... just discarding things.

have gotten a lot better... used to be a hoarder... now I've learnt to keep what is necc and trash what is not...

my room is a lot neater, I like...

different

watched "Made to Order" today. Guy Rubino said something I've always known,yet when expressed in a new way, it is fresh. He said that food to him is art and artists are always seeking things off the mainstream, i.e. different. Hmm... yeah...Maybe I struggle with being different, with wanting more, with dissatisfaction with the status quo... with being unconventional.

Reminds me of the bug in a bug's life - how he actually is a genius (just lacks some social skills) yet nobody listens to him until the end.

The price of being different is to risk mass approval I suppose. Something I need to rid of. =)

Point of View

Got turned off Moulin Rouge the first time as I did not like the brash opening. But have a dancer friend who lurrves the musical so yeah... i persevered through.

well... it was still brash but I could understand why it was so well loved. The set was amazing, the story was classic, the music was enchanting and it was so dream like!

Hmm... but wat I picked up from the director was this:

>> how single thing - from the set to the make up was to Serve the Story

>> creating an effect of Real Artificiality
of how the mood is fake yet real. interesting.

The famous line of "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return." strangely did not catch me but instead it was this - that without trust, there can be no love...

Tenets

Caught a docu on Lin Huai Min, Taiwan's prolific dance figure.

His principles really caught my heart -

>> On how he cared not just about art but about people, about contributing back to society

>> On how he did not simply pursue the avant garde but instead also produced dances that touched the masses, even performing into individual villages free

>> On how he blended the east and the west - creating an unique Asian dance technique, mixing ballet with BJ opera

>> On how he ties art to historical and cultural change

Lovely.

mood.

Thanks to Hollywoodclicks.com... been watching lots of movies... those that i had always wanted to catch for years!!!! Glad I did that... =)

following chungking express... watched in the mood for love... lovely... i love the sets, maggie's cheongsams, the lighting... beautiful... just wished it wasn't so draggy and ??? towards the end...

maggie cheung is amazing... such magnetism... love the subtleness... and play...

lovely...

Blues. Rays of hope

Motivation.

Sigh. Still feeling the blues. Good ness. Its been almost a month. Haven't had such sustained blues for such a long time

The good thing is that its showing up on my photos - been taking a lot of shadows and the blue sky - dark yet with hope.

Sigh. just don't feel like working at all... just feel like chilling... been a crazy 3 weeks./.

sleepy.... no motivation to work... hahaha.... but need to...

oh well... ramble ramble ramble

heeee heeee heeee heee heeee heeeee

can't wait for the grey skies to clear and i can be sunshine gal again...

just so many changes, so many fears, so many questions, so many stretchings...

the mystery of love

ok ok... i'm blogging again.

need to sleep. tom's an early day again.

but heart is undergoing flows....

sigh... sigh... sigh... (cynical laugh) sigh again...

don't understand. don't apprehend. don't grasp. don't know why.

sigh... sigh... sigh...

Got the Blues. Getting the Rhythm

Hey, get rhythm when you get the blues
Hey, get rhythm when you get the blues
Yes a jumpy rhythm makes you feel so fine
It'll shake all the trouble from your worried mind
Get rhythm when you get the blues

Little shoeshine boy never gets low down
But he's got the dirtiest job in town
Bendin' low at the peoples' feet
On the windy corner of the dirty street
Well, I asked him while he shined my shoes
How'd he keep from gettin' the blues
He grinned as he raised his little head
Popped a shoeshine rag and then he said

Get rhythm when you get the blues
Hey, get rhythm when you get the blues
It only costs a dime, just a nickel a shoe
Does a million dollars worth of good for you
Get rhythm when you get the blues

Well, I sat down to listen to the shoeshine boy
Hey, get rhythm when you get the blues
Hey, get rhythm when you get the blues
Yes a jumpy rhythm makes you feel so fine
It'll shake all the trouble from your worried mind
Get rhythm when you get the blues

Well, I sat down to listen to the shoeshine boy
And I thought I was gonna jump for joy
Slapped on the shoe polish left and right
He took a shoeshine rag and he held it tight
He stopped once to wipe the sweat away
I said you're a mighty little boy to be-a workin' that way
He said I like it with a big wide grin
Kept on a poppin' and he said again

Get rhythm when you get the blues
Hey, get rhythm when you get the blues
Get a rock 'n' roll feelin' in your bones
Get taps on your toes and get gone
Get rhythm when you get the blues

-----------------------------------------------

love my nano. its like being in your own world.its like being in your own world. I love that feling.

finally got to sleep in today... shiok. went shopping with my mom - cool, discovered really interesting shops in singapore - found a malay dept store that sold a lot of interesting houseware, similar to Hermes(just not as fine or intricate). Bought some retro shot glasses and other home stuff. Awesome. Got accesories for a buck each. Amazing! had a nice dinner catching up with a friend.

Well... sometimes life can be ok... just cruising along./.. but deep within me are many currents, aches, pains, longings... a close friend said this to me "even when you smile, your sorrow show, yes it shows" (from 'Yesterday'). Sigh... most people think i'm really happy all the time, or happy go lucky or just quite cool about things. I'm not. Glad I have joy... but I have sorrows too.

Really got the blues... trying to enjoy whatever is laid before me. Like the shoeshine boy. Watched the movie, the scene that spoke to me was when the shoeshine boy and his dad, shone the shoes in rhythm.

Tap tap.

life's questions

sorely lacking sleep

but had lots of fun today. i think i really like my job. i like the interaction with different people, seeing so many new things, new perspectives, just enjoying the different dynamics

hmm... but as we talked... kinda brought my one year diploma pain at this school which was so much of a difficult phase... and got questioned why i switched. dunno why but that question left a bitter taste in my heart... maybe i still don't.

oh well... things will sort out i hope...

time to get some sleep. shoot still on tomorrow. dunno why i'm taking time to blog. ahahahhahahahaha

theory of me

have been thinking how to do up my room - new room

for the first time, i actually have the chance to recreate. to reinvent. to start from scratch to define my room- instead of just making do with what i have

kinda hard. i know what i like but can't decide. wondering if that reflects me as a person. was reading "theory of business" by Peter Drucker (i still love reading about business stuff post my marketing days... haha... corporations still intrigue me lots.) every business has a theory - its environment, its mission and its core competencies. was just thinking what is the theory of me?

can't seem to tie down a look for my own web too.... too affected by what people think,... tooo stressed up too easily... too worried... ttoo afraid of being unconventional when I am, when my route is... i think i need to break out and just do my own thing.

still having the blues

Hmm... still have the blues... blues... blues.. maybe that's why i was decked in blue today... anyway

dealing with so much disappointment and disillusionment. Hard.

tough also when super duper good friends around me start to be attached and i'm no longer the priority of good friends...and it sucks ... makes me want to be someone else's priority.

Just read a blog from one of my 'xiao mei's... and she puts it so aptly -
Missing someone is not an acute pain that can be easily identified, but a nagging ache of which you can't find it's cause.

I miss my attached friends. I miss my time with them. I miss the intimacy with them. I miss being able to hang out anytime. I miss being treasured and valued. Finally I can let this out. Phew. Been bothering me lots.

And it sucks too. I wish falling in love was simpler. that the agony of not being loved in return does not irk so bad.

Go the extra mile. Make it 8

Am revisiting old movies. I think i watch a lot of movies that are recommended... heh...

anyway... revisited 8 mile last night. WAH. i used to a avoid it becacause of its explicit langauge. But if one peers beyond that... there is so much depth and heart in the show... like with people who are explosive, who are delinquents, or simply, those who put up a brave front .

// Crossing Borders
"No matter where we live, no matter who we are, we're all l bound by borders... some real, some imagined. Many of us are content to live within these borders. Others are forced to. But some of us need to break out, burst through, even if waht lies on the other side is both frightening and unknown."
Rocks. Exactly where I'm at now.

// Old Glory
I felt a lot for the old broken down city. Once at its helms. Now broken. I feel for the poverty of the people. I feel for the brokeness of the families... and the churches that now become restaurants . ... ... The feeling of abandonment.

// Family
This theme of family is something that I've been experiencing these two years... undestrstand it more. And looking at the broken family... breaks my heart. Wondering how Lily will grow up... and how B-Rabbit finds his family in 3-1-3.

// Hip Hop
I've always liked Hip Hop... before it became a multi million industry. I love the rhythm, I love the unfiltered authentic expression of life's realities. Its like blues. Like Jazz. And how Hip Hop is an extension of that. It's heart music. It's born out of adversity. It's born out to keep alive emotionally. Like the Cubans. "Hip hop is the only thing standing between him and the void"

As a genre - iit is a mish mash: " Hip hop is a post modern art in that it shamelessl raids older forms of pop culture- Kung Fu movies, chitlin' circuit comendy, 70's funk and other equally disparate sources - and reshapes the material to fit the personalities of an individual artist and the taste of the times"

// Opportunity

If I had just listened to the song "Lose yourself" i would have thought that it is merely hedonistic. But peering deeper in... its being so focused... that yoone blocks out the obstacles, the negative voices... and concentracte of doing 'your thing". That if you have one shot, one opportunity" - GRAB IT.

Rocks. Was feeling tired and asking myself why I'm pushing on for this job that is extended. Then this spoke to me - its an opportunity. Seize it.

// Production insights
Kim Basinger on Curtis Hanson: "... especially the insecure artists that we are, always in search of someone to believe that we can do it with the right guidance"

Like Curtis Hanson's take on this movie - that it is NOT a rap movie (glanmed up... slick & sleek)... But it gets ars real as it gets and the movie is a journey, and the thread that runs behind the movie, is the guiding direction for it. Freestyle. Improvisation. Yet within structure. Love the decision for handheld cameras.

" No matter how difficult the circumstances, he was always determined to do his best and to find the truth in every moment" - Curtis Handson on Eminem. Never saw it that way - how actors are to - find truth in every moment. Emotional truth.

LOVE THE RAWNESS.

Every Christmas is different.

This year… Nov already… somehow don’t feel ready for the Christmas cheer.

By this time last year, have prob started buying presents and all… heh. Oh well…the closest I feel to Christmas is being in starhucks now. The red coffee cup, the happy graphics, the wonderful Hazelnut steamed milk and Jazzy music adds to that. Heh.

Yes, I must have a date with the Christmas coffees again. Its almost like a yearly tradition – where I’ll reflect about what Christmas is… accompanied with a special Starbucks Christmas concoction. Heh.

world of wong kar wai

Always wondered why Chungking Express was such a big deal. Today, I know.

Finally watched it after all these years. Wow.

I love the artiness of it - the theme of the cans... how love expires... how he uses music to separate charcters... the oblique angles.

my fav part? the trailer. love the way the chinese titles are juxtaposed against each ohter. Fully brining out the charcter of the film. Amazing. I love chinese text!

Dedication.

Hmm... its been good.

Working on a VolksWagen internal video now. I'm actually happy and not cynical.

I guess I feel very much supported - not working alone... but working together. Haven't felt like that way for corporate work for a long time... Its great! The clients are good too. Am very amazed. At the German guys on this account - how passionate they feel towards the brand, their understanding of the brand's philosophy and identity. Really cool. I feel it. I feel the brand. I understand the translation of the brand to visuals. I'm excited.

Glad.

time to reflect

hmmf... had a super busy day... one of those days that I hadn't had for a while.

glad to have some quiet time to do so ... finally...

find that I am quite erratic... and do get impatient and irritable quite often. Frustrated too. Hmm... need to learn gentleness, patience and love. Gotta stop wanting the world to revolve around me... and start learning to merge the ideal and the bad together. To not expect everything to be perfect. But to "bao rong" - to have the love that covers a multitude of sins.

This thing struck me on Sunday - how we can hide. When the storm is too much, when the world's a whirlwind, there is a place that is safe and secure. Under His wings. Hide. Hiding often seems to send a bad vibe... like shun away from something. Like being a coward. Like an ostrich. But hiding can be good too. Sometimes we just need to be away. Sometimes we need to find a refuge. Hide. Abide. Reside.

Hiding now... away from the admin / demands / work / social obligations that I can spin into... reading inspiring quotes... that speak to my situation now>>

// Perseverance
The man who removed the mountain started by carrying away small stones. (Chinese proverb)

Time to rest. Lay my head on His shoulder.

yi lu shang you ni

i hold a paintbrush

understand why people like to paint - its tactile and messy! Wonderful for our overly-digital world.

the mixing of colours... was delightful... and just experimenting with strokes, colours, patterns... beautiful... wonder why I never painted much earlier... heh.

when words do not fail.

Landscape

By Roy Lessin,

Your life's like a landscape and God has the brush.
The work is in progress, He's not in a rush.
Each stroke has a purpose, nothing's by chance.
To see all His wisdom takes more than a glance.

Notice the sunbeams that shine on the dew --
Even the clouds can't keep them from view.
Look at the pathway that turns at the hill --
Its course will reveal what's next in His will.

The stream that's flowing with water so blue
Is bringing down blessings meant just for you.
The trees that are planted close to the stream
Will bring forth more fruit than you've ever seen.

The bird in the nest with mouth opened wide
Is just a reminder that God will provide.
Now look at the sheep in the meadow that's near
And notice the Shepherd that keeps them from fear.

He's brought them to pastures which give forth the best,
That cool and refresh, and keep them in rest.
The eagle above, that soars o'er the gale
Is God's way of saying, "My strength will not fail."

That part of the painting which now seems unclear
Will take on new meaning with each passing year.
So trust God to work in His own perfect way
And rejoice in the beauty He's painting today.

Anchored.

Looking at this picture... gives me hope... the ray of light that cuts through. Been feeling so low... looking at this reminds me of the promise He gave me... that my future is bright.

maybe my equations are being shifted. my expectations are being reshuffled. my bubbles being burst. surrendering my dreams and letting rest in Him. Walking day by day is sheer faith. But one thing is for sure - an anchor for the soul, firm and secure - hope in Him. No matter how BLAH i feel deep down i know He is here. And He walks with me. And maybe this is one of the times He carries me... as per the cliched footprints in the sand.

maybe there are many changes. Maybe friendships had taken changes. Maybe I just dunno how to feel. maybe i am tired. maybe i am bored. But God is still good. I just find it so strange. On one hand, I'm really happy...and seeing many victories, seeing many blessings... on the other... there's so much uncertainty, questions, fears etc... I'm baffled. Really.

Just glad... that in shaky times like these... I have an anchor. I know that in multiple changes, there are somethings in life that never changes. I know I have a sure love. I know that when all things fade, I'll still have Jesus. I know that even I have nothing, even I fail, even I mess up, even I lose all I have, I still have Jesus. I know that even though things come at me, even when I don't get the support I want, even when I yearn for love I can't have, I still have Jesus. He never goes away, He never forsakes me, He always wants the best for me. I love my life.

my soul sings

well... feeling better today... maybe its the adrenaline... maybe its people....

this old chinese song is ringing in my head... dunno its title... "Dun know why... these troubles surround me... i will still be hoping and waiting... for the memory of love"... funny ah... how songs speak the heart language.. was listening to Gravity- John Mayer... strangely listening to blues when you are blue made me less blue. Though I dun really know why I'm so blue... listening to people singing their blues seem to help... Haha. Maybe its like the reckoning of the soul, acknowledging of the emotions...

heard someone of a different race sing tonight... didn't understand the language... but understood the heart. Wow. Was so touching. Just touched deep down. songs... language of the heart...

flowered. bloomed.

flower
Originally uploaded by jgal.

Today... marks a new milestone.

Ends the two years I have with this part time place I'm working at.

Feels crazy. Dun exactly know where I'm heading next.

Feels sad. Will miss them... especially the closer ones...

Dun know what to do tomorrow.

i have a hope. a future. joy. yeah.

confidence

"The freshest ideas come from people who set their own rules."

"Daring has some part of risk-taking too and the dare for more part means achieve more, if you want to achieve more you have to give out more."

- Richard Lee, China VP of marketing, beverages, PepsiCo

dream. again.

hmm... i have no clue why i'm so blue today (can hear the Veggie Tales Silly songs ringing... "I'm so blue I'm so blue I don't know what to do)

yeah... just feel messy today... dunno why... a friend suggested that it is the artist temperament. maybe. but i dun want to be boring... and have less fluctuations. then i had this revelation - that the fluctuations do not be positive and negative (think graph) ... but goes positive and zero. And that zero is the steadfastness in God. WAH. (Haha... finally my maths coming to good use).

Hmmff... despite being clueless... it still was a good time. Read an autobiography and studied the artworks of Xu BeiHong. WAH. Am awed... too much to blog now... but the gist of it... his art represented his heart for his people - the Chinese... and how much he connected with the 'common' folk and understood their situation. WAH. Expressing his hope and sorrows about his country, through his paintings. And how he believed in the next generation. WAH. I want to be like that.

Watched... hoops and yoyo... one of the animated series... where they looked at clouds and dreamt of what they wished it could be. I used to think dreams are free. But I realised dreams also cost. Because they open desires. And desires are something we want but cannot control. No wonder so many people just shut up... literally. But I rather dream than be cold/dead. Today... God said 'Dream' to me... haha... in the midst of my blues. I realised I'm afraid to dream. I had dreamt and am dreaming... some of them have came to pass but many hadn't. I want to have new courage to dream again...

joy of finishing

heh heh... I'm a typical high I...starting out enthusiastically and ending up somewhere else ... getting distracted and disorganised... haha...

BUT...

over the last few years til now... i realised my failings... and started to attempt to have variety yet select a few items and focus on them til I finish them. i realised I do not do things long or often enough to be good at them. i think that must be one of the biggest revelations in my life! ha!

I've been working on it and am proud I've been making progress... Been re-organising and getting rid of things. Basically streamlining. Think I was trying to do too many things at one time. Now I try to do some things with the same time =) I've been finishing many books, utilising recipes etc that had been kept for a long time, some over 10 years!!!! Feel a huge sense of accomplishment. even in the little things. Like making vinaigrette... haha... I finally made a few concoctions! Ha!

Glad... really... looking forward to more... hope to dance... swim better... and rock climb better... cook better... finish more books... and more... *beaming*

dancing in freedom

just watched yet another movie on dance... realise I've been watching movies that are recommended by friends. i find that really interesting... because it is entering into another's world... and seeing a new dimension I've never seen or would not have otherwise explored. A close friend is a wonderful dancer... and introduced many dance movies... its amazing... watching these dance movies... I think dance is amazing... one of the lines that stuck with me went something like that...People dance because it frees them, it is the only time they are free... and they are free to be whatever they want. Wow. That was in light of the political situation the movie was situated at. Wow. That's why the Cubans, the Africans have such soul-moving music and dance... because of their captivity ... music and dance is their freedom.

Guess I'm still rather afraid... never dared to give my all totally at dance... maybe I should...

Surprised!

the fun part of this journey ... is that i keep getting pleasant surprises...

a different angle

a close friend took these two shots... ha...of the all familliar chair at my place...
glad to see it from another angle.

did the gal-chit-chat thing today... with a dear friend who was stopping over from Shanghai... love hearing her and just being able to connect even after all these years... i actually like growing "older"... coz relationships, things etc have time to brew and stand the test of time... like God's faithfulness through the years... like precious friendships developed like old wine... somethings just need time...

went to see some Dali sculptures and paintings with her today... yay! another artsy friend... hehe... and so supportive of me... i'm so thankful for friends like her... glad i watched "Finding Neverland" before that... opened up my mind... to imagination...

sleepieeeeeeeeeeeee

kairos

Amazing.

There are some days when days go by... and you wonder why things are so. It's like being a performer at NDP... just doing your thing... without seeing the formation that is formed.

But there are days too... when things fall in place... and you can finally see. Amazed at these two weeks... where it seems that things that were put in motion for the last 15 years... are culminating to something.

I feel happy. Content. Don't think I felt like that ever. In such intensity. In such joy. Am overwhelmed.

These two weeks I've been reflecting on the past two years especially... and even further. These few weeks, I've been browsing through old stuff I kept - recipes, music scores, photos, musings, clippings, sketch books, poem books, articles... and how i've trashed what is not necessary and kept the essential... and restarting a journey to create. it's amazing... I can't even put to words... just so many things are falling in place... finding my place in the Family... so many many heartwarming stuff... amazing. And how in a couple of days and weeks... things that I learnt can outgrow years even... as if time is compressed... as if time is redeemed.

Thank You God... I stand amazed.

Lighted up.

Goodness.

It's been two weeks of intense activity.

Mervyn's father's death... showed me that the strength of family is seen... in times of crisis. I think I'm finally understanding "family"... a lot better... and its finally hitting home.

I stand amazed. At how the church family rallies around him... that Ian will fly back to be with him. I feel protected. That I know I can count on William... to help escort me from the ulu bus stop to the funeral parlour. I feel I can count on people. Noellie gave me a lift there and Queen back to SMU... I'm not alone. Maybe that's why Liverpool's club line is "You'll never walk alone." All the things Joel said about family. Its true. Thank you God. No matter how messed up my family is, I have a Family.

















I shared my farewell speech at Coos... hmmfff... was really emo... coz I just bared my heart and chose to be vulnerable... and thanked everybody for their presence in my life... how they've touched me and brought joy into these two years of this crazy journey.

Did not expect it... coz I just wanted to bless... people starting saying stuff and giving me hugs... and it touched heart chords that are deep and soothing... the brokeness is being made whole. The words of affirmation from them... dwell deep. Pierced through the pain... and heal...

Pfff.... its been a super ride... sometimes I look back and think I've gave up a lot... and lost a lot in terms of money or career.... YET... looking at the "riches" I've accumulated - the healing, the freedom, the joy, the changes, the paradigm shifts, a new Family, being a blessing to many, learning so many new things, travelling etc etc ... far surpasses and fulfills. Without undermining the "practical"... these two years were a much needed window... The more I look back at these two years... the more I see Daddy God's fingerprints... the more I'm amazed. At the end of all this... gain or loss is a matter of perspective... I think I'm beginning to understand what it means to lose your life... to gain life...

I'm glad. And grateful.

The one-liner to sum everything up is... "How Great Thou Art"... then sings my soul.... my Saviour God to thee... how great thou art.... how great thou art... ... ... ... ... ... ...
... coz nothing of all these can ever happen... without Him... and that all the bad things can become good... because of Him... =) *beam*

sunny days...

like the melody that fills the air
keep on smiling through times of dispair
the sunny day will soon chase clouds away
as you hear it from day to day
let it speak in its very own way
the grey sky dissipates to bliss
smile, laugh, reminisce

- written by a friend for his colleague

makes me smile too... Sunny days... chasing the clouds away... (elmo, ernie, bert and cookie monster swinging behind)

flight out

orange.JPG
Originally uploaded by jgal.

had a little blockage these few days... maybe I tried to be strong... maybe I didn't have time to be vulnerable.

Was good that tonight I was able to be honest with myself and transparent to God... for the emotions I was going through at work, some conflicts with a dear friend... feel free-er... to soar on...

It finally sank in... a close friend is flying off... next week... kinda like was ok about it until tonight. Felt like we were little gals... and my good play friend is moving to another faraway neighbourhood... hmmffff.... the tears came out tonight.

Actually... come to think of it... I think we got a lot closer in this last year... esp through this dark period I was gg through... and also her journey. Plus the crazy little stuff we do like poking fun at each other (literally)... and cracking corny jokes or just acting like kids.

Gonna miss her... ...

a defining film.

"Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.

See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland.

Isaiah 43:18-19 NIV

Wow. Tonight was amazing. I watched "A Hero's Journey" (http://www.luxlucis.sg/index.swf), an indie film on the theme of forgiveness, told through the lens of President Xanana Gusmao, of East Timor. This is another of those "defining moment" films.

Defining in many ways...

>> In my battle with unforgiveness... the funny thing was I was sharing the film's content with my dad... in the middle of the conversation I realised I was talking to my 'perpetuator', the one I have been constantly needing to forgive... for the 15 years... and for yesterday and tomorrow. Remember watching the trailer at www.cine.sg and the ending line was "If we forgive, we liberate ourselves". Was just tussling with the bitterness in my heart towards my dad... and wow... the message was loud and clear. The film is amazingly powerful...

>> As an inspiration... at this juncture whilst I take another step out...back to full on marketplace. Grace Phan's courage inspires me... "I had no training or background in financial markets either when I entered that field, and obviously no experience either in filmmaking when I made A Hero's Journey. I don't feel that my experience in the newsroom prepared me in any specific way for filmmaking. They are quite different processes." Encourages me to pursue my dreams. Always felt that this industry is so male... glad to see 'heroines' like her and even the online editor, Melanie Foo!

>> How much Timor & P. Xanana Gusmao have to teach Singaporeans... as we talk about the "Love Timor" movement... I realised that yes, Singapore has her role to run alongside to encourage her neighbour... but at the same time, they have SO MUCH to teach us... the power of forgiveness...

"If we can forgive, we liberate ourselves from all bad sentiments of revenge of self-flagellation. If we forgive, we stop a part of our life. We say no now I am entering a new phase of my life. If not, I live everyday the sense that I am the worst victim in the world. God, why me?? Why it happened to me and not to other people? Where is the justice in this life? We are everyday trying to understand why and we don't live in peace of mind. We don't live in peace. We are always trying to be selfish. Me ,me why not him? When we dont forgive, we don't free ourself from thinking on ourselves. Forgiveness is the way to live in peace." - Xanana Gusmao

And also the love of the president for his people... not wanting power or glory for its own ends... but for its people. His love for the people blows me away. How he respects, loves and honours the common folk. How he reaches out and treats them with such dignity. His deep courage to forgive, to stop the bitterness... even to those who threw him in prison, betrayed him... WOW. We have much to learn.

>> As a confirmation... the last time I went to Timor... God was just sharing His heart to me ... to see the beauty of His people, His land... despite its pain and history. Found it echoed in Grace's words "We should not idealise them as the poor, oppressed, victorious victims. When I first went to Timor to meet with President Xanana to discuss the project, I felt it was the most beautiful place I had ever seen. I realised much later that it was because I was seeing with my heart, and not just eyes." Yes... the inherent beauty of Timor...

Where do I go from here... I honestly dunno... all I know is I want to create media that impacts lives positively. I want to have more courage to forgive... shaking off the ghost of the sufferings and looking ahead to the future. And I want to go back to Timor to visit the orphans whom I've been thinking about.

New Discovery

What an interesting day.

I think my life is rather colourful - having experienced vast and diverse scope of things, experience, meeting all kinds of people...

Today took a twist and a turn... Supposed to share at a place but in the end there was no audience. Ended up having coffee with a dear dear friend who is moving overseas soon.

At night... went for dinner with an old friend... ended up having burmese food - had Myanmar tofu salad which was very tasty... and visiting little Burma at Peninsula Plaza. Always went to Peninsula Plaza - at the first two levels... never ventured beyond that level... pleasantly surprised to find there lies new sights... in a familliar place. Was pleasantly surprised.

My next destination is... tekka market... never been there. These old rustic places are good... like the new revamped people's park... old yet new... different and just adds character to good old singapore... =)

Equations and balances

Am happy today. Mainly because this is a clear day.

Had been feeling groggy, tired, sleepy, flu-ey, crampy (last week) that anyday that my mind is clear, active and I'm able to think straight, I'm happy. Ha.

Got a showreel done, pitching for a job today. Hope I get it. I need the $$$. Ha. Am doing a freelance job for my old agency... funny how my old boss thinks I'm really good at the job and wants me back (again... for the umpteenth time). Ha... am I that smart or good? Haha... well... media planning was fun sometimes... keeps my mind excercising... but really stole the life away. Was kinda like accounts... I kinda excel in that... but bores me. Ha. Too much numbers. Think I prefer colours.

Hmm... at the crossroads again (Ha... got a good old pal who always tell me he is transitioning... think I can tell that to him now... I'm transitioning AGAIN). Honestly, I think I'm actually wanting to go back to a job that is fixed at one place. Strangely, just sitting in my old agency's office makes me feel happy... that today I do not need to run to 3 places and can just sit here and send emails. Sure if I did it for long, it would be boring. But having been so mobile and nomadic, having to sit and base somewhere, is actually therapeutic. Working at home sure has its perks... but the other downside is sometimes parents. I love them and appreciate them. But funny how Asian parents have this way of treating their kids like kids, I mean small kids though they are big already. Wish they can be more releasing. Maybe their way of caring is catering to the physical needs. But the thing is... I don't need that so much when I'm grown up and would LIKE to take care of myself. Oh well... we're in the midst of working this out... haha... Maybe I treasure the independence. I would rather have love in the intangible sense (support in what I'm doing etc) rather than love in the practical sense. Oh well... different love languages. Guess I also need to love them in their language too. Give and take. Ha. But... staying at home to work is increasingly frustrating... ha... Now I understand why people post 30 want to move out.

Variety. Routine. Over. Under. More. Less. Life's equations and balances. Ha.

what is required of us

I suppose what is required of us is to be the best we can be.
Sometimes I compare too much.
this is a good reminder:
------------------------------

Just Be The Best

If you can't be a pine on the top of the hill,

Be a scrub in the valley - but be

the best little scrub at the side of the rill:

Be a bush if you can't be a tree.

If you can't be a bush, be a bit of the grass

Some highway to happier make;

If you can't be a muskie, then just be a bass

But the liveliest bass in the lake.

We can't all be captains, we've got to be crew.

There's something for all of us here;

There's big work to do and there's lesser to do,

And the task we must do is the near.

If you can't be a highway, then just be a trail;

If you can't be a sun, be a star.

It isn't by size that you win or you fail-

BE THE BEST OF WHATEVER YOU ARE!
By Douglas Wallock

xlb.

my bro got his first official work pay check today.

went to ting tai fung for xiao long bao. its quite funny... how when a person starts work... it just seems that the person has grown up. hmm...

but glad... glad my brother has grown up. =)

family fabric

a friend of mine threw a pizza party yesterday.

food was gorgeous - my fav being the pesto mushroom pizza. Dough, tomato sauce, pesto sauce etc was made from scratch. Lots of love into it too.

I finally got to make my port pears. The smell was amazing... port, cinnamon, orange zest and pear peels... such an aroma. Topped with vanilla ice cream and muesli (the macadamia nuts got burnt in the toaster as we were caught up with the pizza operations. ha).

Wat I took home that night was how our lives are intertwined with others... how the oven that was used to bake the pizzas was carried in by a common friend. The herbs that they used to cook came from pots and soil that were carried up by a few common friends. Its amazing how
our lives are just weaved in others. Different threads make up our lifes...

Dreams for Singapore

Today is National day!!!

The National Day Parade is starting soon.... just ate durians for tea... heh.

Watched "Tak Giu"... a local indie film-maker who made a short film on hope.

I like the ending - where after all the obstacles, they broke through to find what they were looking for ... a soccer field to practise. I like the humour. It was well done.

However, the characters were rather 'typical' Singaporean - complaining, blaming, easily discouraged - ever ready to comment on the negative situation. Hmm... looking at today and ahead, I dream of Singaporeans (including myself)... shaking off these habits and transforming to be more positive. I dream of people who will stop complaining but choose to be the solution to the problem. I dream of a new breed of people who will arise and be more compassionate. I dream of Singaporeans shaking off their apathy and their indifference. I dream of Singaporeans reaching beyond their comfort zones and changing the lifes of the poor and needy. Yes... its time. That Singapore does not boast of the best airport but is grateful we can be the best... so we can serve others best. A shift in motivation. Yet maintaining economic prosperity. Not advancing ahead, yet losing our souls. Not getting more money, but our families suffer.

A new breed. Coupled with tenacity. Hearts full of compassion. Beyond just ourselves.

kid.

went to revisit toys-r-us with two friends. ha. FUN! dolls were fun... but i think i like the masak masak best!

Walking on Water

Videoed for a friend's gig tonight...

Rather emo for me as so many things were tied to it

~ my journey these two years... the difficulties, the pain yet also the joy and also the exhiliration. No risk. No gain. But sometimes... Have risk. Have pain. haha... not necessary so all the time... but guess that's with life. Sometimes comfort zones are traded for new grounds... yet not without a price. Sometimes lines are crossed... not without paying the price. I dun think I would have traded the years for anything...its been a SUPER journey... yet I'm also smarting from the sacrifices and pain I made

~ met people who made me feel small>> people in the industry, people who are famous, people who are super talented. Funny how I was good at things I didn't totally enjoy... and funny how I dun think I'm that good at the things that I think I enjoy. But I dun think confidence should be linked with such things. I dun want my confidence to be wrapped around what I was doing or what I had achieved etc. I want to be confident no matter what. That whoever I meet, no matter if the person had seemingly achieved more or less than me, I'll be equally confident, humble and treat every person with the same dignity and assign the same basic respect. Like Mother Teresa. Am I breaking out of a Singaporean meritocracy mould?

~ lastly... my journey ahead. Really it had been such a walk of faith. When things dun seem to make sense. When the road ahead seems vague. When the path is not clear. When some don't seem to agree/approve/understand/grasp... or think I'm incoherent/crazy/alternative... or am not meeting their expectations. The last two years were like that. But deep down I know its worth it. I know Him better. I see His faithfulness. I fulfilled some of my dreams. I found more of myself. I embraced my feminity. I had time to sow into my family. I discovered the joy of releasing my creativity. I created videos which gave a voice to the poor of China and East Timor. I have touched many people with my skills. Unexpected deep friendships came my way. I learnt to balance, enjoy life and have more fun! I grew more joyful... even in times of difficulty. I have grown so so so much.Wow.

Looking ahead. Its a brand new experience of walking on water - AGAIN. I want to fix my eyes on Jesus... and not sink. Not look at how small my hands/feet/brain is but how BIG is He. My life is His. I want to live a life for Him, not just for my tiny self. I want to live a life that gives away. A life that impacts. A life that challenges. A life that is not sedate. A life that blesses. A life that makes other peoples' lives a better one. And the world that we live in, a better place. A life that shouts for justice, compassion and love for the poor. A life that counted. That when I die, I have no regrets. Rather walk dangerously and discover treasures than to sit sedately and wish things can be more exciting.

I'm gonna wait in faith... of what is ahead. Yes, there will be a price. But there will be a prize too.

Migration. Transition. Movement.

OMG. I feel Singapore today. Ha

Glad I came back on Fri and not Sun. Had a couple of days to breathe, unpack and come back to Sing.

Today I feel the heat (literally and also figuritavely) ... the demands from clients and the errands to run! Ha! But glad... think I'll lose the 3 kg I put on. Ha. Feel like the photo - cheery sky plus the day to day climbing of steps. Am doing what I need to... yet with this glow and joy. What better way to live? Glad for the break. Really. Puts new fuel and perspective.

Realised I'm still in between my PC-Mac migration, trying to eat and spend less as per the holiday days and just getting back to the groove. But the difference is - I'm looking for change. Packing the house/ room over the last few days was liberating. Trashed out old stuff and made some changes. Was good. Just feel a renewal. Though I'm coming back to where I left off - the multiple errands, unsolved puzzles, unfinished books, half bottle of jam... its with a new perspective. Rising above instead of being sucked in. Overcoming instead of glooming.

Prayed with a friend just now. Glad to have friends to walk the journey with. Still unclear where to head ahead... but trusting and risking.

family firsts.

my bro actually said my pasta tasted good. The first time.

Think bacon, fresh dried herbs and lots of red wine helped ;)

And you give yourself away.

gave a friend some stuff today... just feel so much joy!

had friends over to just chill, hang out, eat and chat. just nice to see people just resting, chatting, talking, enjoying the food...

glad i took away so much from my travels... and now i have more to give... tim tams...starbursts... pasta... etc...

whoever loses their life will gain it. so much joy in giving!

Absence & Prescence

back from Oz land. it's been a month i've been away.

just feel nice that people missed me. not so much what i do but just me. my mom said that - how its nice to have me around. So did other friends today at church. how having me back is good.

feel loved.

Syd.

One week in Sydney. Wow. Enjoying it so much!

Today rocks! Went to an art and craft market plus the Rocks (haha corny joke intended). Ooh... there is so much beauty... and innovation... and also music all around! =) What a wonderful atmosphere. The Australians really love music, beauty and food!

Never enjoyed instant noodles so much or hot milo in a freezing weather. Ha. Am wearing like 3 layers now. haha.

My friend has an orange couch... and green chairs *grin*. Watching Pirates of the Caribbean 1... heh...on Australia TV.

I miss blogging...

Pit Stop.

I enjoy travelling. Not just the actual travelling which i love... but also the way it marks a stop. Like a comma. Like a pit stop- that allows for tyre change.

Feel a sense of needing to complete things that are sitting around.. and glad for the extra push.

Thankful for also friends... who willingly lend me their equipment... thanks... meen...

I like travelling. =)

Touched.

my brother actually bought me 2 sets of figurines a day ago. Wow. I'm just super touched. He really seldom get me anything... or show me love... but recently... he's been a lot nicer and sweeter. Wow. Just thankful. Glad for the change! Touched. Esp when I was rushing work til the wee hours yesterday.... glad i had new companions!

objectives.

radical but relatable

penciled

The pencil maker told his pencils five important lessons.

1st, everything you do will always leave a mark.

2nd, you can correct your mistakes.

3rd, what is important is what is inside you.

4th, in life you will undergo painful sharpenings which will make you a
better pencil.

5th, to be the best pencil you can you must allow yourself to be guided
by the hand that holds you

Baby.

Visited a friend's baby today.... ooh....

I love it! Just to touch the little fingers... just humbles me. Like wow... the sanctity of life... how we were one this tiny... and our beginnings were small. Touching the baby was just touching new life. Awesome.

Someone said that being a parent gives one a lot of revelation about God. I kinda get a glimpse of that. My friend's baby needs to have some neck excercise to strengthen a side of his neck and when my friend helped him... the baby squirmed and cried... and my friend said sorry and loved the kid lots. Wow. It's like Father God... who love us enough to allow us to go through stuff for our own good... awesome...

just so happy for my couple friends... its such a delight for see families! and kids! they're such a joy! Wow!

team. family. not alone.

Wow. Wat a fantabulous-amazing-beautiful movie. I'm satisfied.

Great graphics. Superb detail. Breathtaking realistic backgrounds. But beyond that, a story that carries so much weight.

Not alone. Teamwork. Family. Something I'm starting to learn recently... that I don't have to do it alone. That I belong. That there are people who like me. That there are people who I can trust and trust me. I mean it blows my mind. I paid the price of going alone... chasing my destiny... my call... my dreams... and the journey I had to take was driving along roads different from the majority of my friends... but now I am driving on a road with a whole new bunch of people who are driving with me. When my tyres are flat, they go with me for the change. When I run out of fuel, we drive to the petrol station together. When I skid off the track, they prod me back on. Amazing. And best of all, we are driving together... on the same highway... to the same destination. I'm still awed. Blown away. Like the last few days... used to go for such events alone... but now... almost everybody was there... I'm just overwhelmed. Amazed.

Dreams. Wow. How Sally had a dream... and she wanted revival for her town... ooh...yes... to keep dreaming... oh... I still have so many dreams unfulfilled... but slowly but surely... many of them are coming to pass. I took the car out on my own yesterday. WOAH! To many people it ain't a big deal... but to me... I waited 5 years for this... it tops my list of new year resolutions... and finally it comes to pass... I mean like WOAH! Such a joy.

Journey vs Destination... How people changed from driving for its pleasure to driving to "make it there". Yeah... how miserable. Process is FUN! That's where the action is.

"Empty Cup"... How fame is just an empty cup....what's worth chasing? My secondary marcom client dream? My producer dream? Or where and what I am meant to be... though it seems like Sally - a porsche in a rickety town. Because of His dreams.

Wow... what a movie... ROCKS!!!!!

kiss my bed

4 weddings.
2 trips.
2 births (friend's kids)
1 camp.
1 graduation (brother's).
+
4 videos to finish.
3 video classes (to teach).
3 web newsletter editions

in just 2 months. *faints*. And the Great Singapore Sale. *grin*

Hmm... feeling tired... and wondering how am i gonna finish the rest of the stuff in 2 weeks when I'm back. *faints* ha. But fun. Oh well... prayed for help! =)

Oh well... glad I went for prayer meeting tonight. Really helps when you have a time to focus on God. Then things fall in perspective. It is no longer about getting things done, or to check off my 'to-do' list. But it is the essence behind these events, the hope of the trips. I guess I can get quite caught up with details. Ha. Need to learn to relax.

I think its quite tiring to just coordinate what to wear... haha... can be fun... but sometimes when time pressed... hmm... but glad I've pre-planned quite some things so I'm less packed. This period was anticipated. But some were surprises such as births and graduation. Well... do hope I'll get friends who will help to dress me up... clueless with these hair stuff... and this fashion stuff is rather new to me. Want to dress well... yet quite lazy at times to bother. haha

I think this is the first time I'm in Sing for the GSS for many years... can't help but feel the itch to shop. But I dun exactly need anything. And the crowd is crazy. And i'm gg overseas. but after packing my cupboard and trying which dress to wear for tomorrow's wedding, I found some stuff I need to get and stock up.

I need:
1 silver top
1 foot petals
1 cocktail dress (maybe)
1 foundation bottle
2 lip gloss
1 lilac/pink eyeshadow
1 sunscreen
1 night moisturizer

there goes! my shopping list!

okies... I'm gg to kiss my bed.

hole in the bread

finally tried wat the fuzz was about. thought that the 'more complicated' ones are those that are most popular. but to my surprise, it was the plain simple sugar glazed donuts.

yes... less is more sometimes... =)

jam

met an old Jc friend... gosh we're 10 year friends now. OMG! was good to hear her hearty laughter!

she bought me strawberry jam from melbourne. *grin* I like strawberry jam.

lost

ha... it happened to me.

always wondered how could people lose their phones.. ha... i just did... had 3 bags to carry (one laptop bag, one tripod and one camera bag) and my pants did not have any pockets to store my phone. sigh.

and i lost a precious orange adidas watch given by a super close friend last week... ARGH.... heart wrenching...hmm....

i normally dun lose things... super seldom... hmm...

oh well... looking at the bright side... a few lessons:

>> understanding others instead of judging...

>> when things are lost, you know how precious they are to you

>> i can get a new phone... the old must go so the new can come... been wanting a phone to sync with my ical. sped up change i suppose. ha.

life... when you can't beat it... just laugh along...

Drive

Its terribly exciting.

To wait for God to give.

Been bitter. But learnt to forgive. Learnt to trust God. Learnt to surrender. Learnt to look to God to provide. Many years I wanted to drive. Not so much for the status but for the mobility. A symbol of freedom. Always hoped my dad would be like other dads who let me drive. All these years he did not allow me. All these years I struggled. Blamed. Been angry. Feeling deprived. All these years (since I passed), the new year resolution is to pick up driving again.

Today. Is the day. I had 1.5 hrs of refresher driving class (2nd one). After that, I took the car, with my dad in the passenger's seat, going to Margaret Drive. Wow. To many people, that's kinda normal. To me, its a MIRACLE. What a release! What a year of turnaround. Awesome. I'm awe struck.

And every drive out is the furthest I went. Like my hair... every inch it grows, is the longest it has been. Just pretty exciting... ha.

teachability

a friend said this... you can either be mouldy or mouldable.

found that quite funny.

Assurance

Was gg home one day...Saw this tagline behind a taxi
[ Safe and Secure with Sovereign ]
How apt! I'm safe in His arms and His thought.
No need to impress others or be impressed.
*BIG GRIN*

noise

there goes the end of my time with me and my dad.

surprisingly it had been really good. the whole 2 weeks was pleasant, even beautiful. Far beyond what i had hoped for. was kinda dreading it. but it was good. surprised. and he is more releasing with the car. wow. amazing. i've always brooded about it... how I never had the chance to practise... to drive... but now i do... amazing...

brother came back from Oz land... and the house is back with noise... my mom's coming back tomorrow.................

just thankful... for so much... and friends too.. had a good time at a wedding. used to go for such events alone... but now its like super fun... making loads of noises behind... kinda feel like school in a sense... heh...

good noise...

hiatus

right now... am just waiting for an event to start

and getting my internet fix... ahha....not really.... just want to chill for a while

hmm... finding it quite amusing...the behind the scenes. am really tired. but managed to sleep. actually slept on stage just now. was just thinking... people danced, preached, acted, jumped etc on the stage and i slept on it. hahaha... just funny... really thankful for this colleague who got me a huge nice white blanket and a pillow. managed to catch some winks. wow. feel like a battery. recharged.

hmm... waiting for tonight... to come... the crowds to pour in...

it's been an amazing experience. really. heard about how Jesus heals, miracles, gold dust and all. But it was all head knowledge and heart to a certain sense. Maybe I reasoned out... the stories of "planted people" and hmmf... gold dust... maybe the guy just sprinkled some. BUT THIS TIME... I really saw it for myself. ha. really. The privileges of videoing. Felt like a news coverage camera personnel... running to cover the news. Last night... I saw cripples walk. This lady with a back brace who could stand. Gold dust on a few chairs. A persian lady healed of pain. I mean... WOW. ROCKS! God heals. What also convinced me was also the authenticity of it all (I HATE FAKE-Os)... of how some people were prayed for but not healed totally on the spot and it was ok. The preacher did not 'force' the person to stand or be healed. Yeah. It was real. And it was grace.

Grace is something I'm trying to understand. Guess as Singaporeans, I'm learning what is grace. How you can receive something without having to work for it / perform for it.

Ok... better run to the ladies before the crowd (I mean the CROWD) comes in.

Let's see what will happen tonight!

blame ain't gonna make it go away

ha

enjoyed take the lead LOTS.... really good pumping musik... hehe...

but what really struck me was what Pierre said to the principal - they can blame everything: the environment, the people etc etc but it does not make the problems go away.

Somehow that struck. Yeah. Not victims. Yeah. Life can be tough... but each of us have a CHOICE. Yeah... the environment sucks... but we still have to be responsible for ourselves. It is a lot easier to hide beneath the blame game... but yeah... it ain't gonna make it go away. We must fight for what is for ourselves. No matter how hard. Not pushing it to others.

Been running... and training... and trying... and failing... and trying...

developing hind's feet

yuck. today sucked. ha. but still gripping on to hope and exhibiting joy. strange huh? but i can't think of a better way to live. worry gets me no where. bad feelings pull me down. not constructive. rather be a little 'crazy' and look on the bright side than be glum. ha ha.

sat in an audio training - catch no ball. wondering why i was there.
could not really sleep last nite. blah.
still can't get out of conventions. afraid even to think of it.
lomo photos turned out blah. sigh. failed experiment.

even though things are blah. there is a glimmer of hope. friend gave me belated birthday pressie - a sweet photo album. with pix of my recent bday party and her fingerprints. Aw... helped ease some of the blues away...

went rock climbing... indoor... came away feeling really good. well... this is the 2nd consecutive week i've managed to go. Feel good getting a little further on the same wall that I could not go pass the middle segment. Feel a little 'high' when i managed to push myself up that further. Nice. Enjoy it. Heh. Just glad I'm climing a little better. Parallels to life... sometimes... things take time... Glad. Hope I can go next week again... Climb... Higher...Stronger & more nimble feet.

hanging out at the stratosphere

Wow. Amazed.

These few days. Boy. I really felt like I was kissing the mud again. Trawling. Legs were heavy. Heart and mind was so bogged down. Have not felt so so down for a long time.

Was quite shaken. Off-focus.

Thankfully... I'm caught in a mercy fallout.

Pain but in joy. Lost but full of hope. Was still sticking out but slowly was reaching the bottom. Someone emailed me "bless you to choose joy and victory". What powerful words. Those words had weight. Because it was spoken by someone who is walking through a tough time. Because it was also spoken (somewhat similarly, to be exact "choose happiness") by a mom who lost her had-it-all kid to leukaemia. And this moment when dust was in my face, I chose joy and victory. I chose to trudge through. I chose as best as I could to declare that God is good. I chose to say He deserves it all.

In turn, He came through. Just when things seemed too bleak. A strength that came through.

It was a very significant moment. Tonight. I had been behind the scenes for 2-3 years. Not much in a leadership position. It was time to fallow. Tonight marked a new season - time to sow. Again. Old baggage is gone. Soil is fertile. Time to plant. Very thankful. This time round, its with a bunch of people and a leader who cares about people and the work. Not just the work. Thankful, very thankful, He sent a friend, a father figure and mentor, to just sit in. My my, his presence was just so reassuring. It was like God saying, I'm here with ya. I care. I support you. And I never let you down. Wow.

And this time round, standing on the platform, was one initially of reluctance but of total surrender. To just be leading this video team, I really felt like the woman who poured perfume from the alabaster jar on Jesus's feet. I gave my all. Surrendered. To be here, doing what He wants. No fame, no glory, not much money. Just following Him. Struggled with this cost. But when I'm reminded of the price He paid, this was small. Much smaller. So much of me just wants to run away. Glad. I shed those "I need to have it all", "I need to know it all", and "I need to ra-ra" ways... but in brokeness and weakness, sharing gently, firmly and confidently. Wow. What a change. And I did not have to be someone else, I just had to be me. Which was fun. I like it. And yeah... my friend messaged this to me "U did good, I'm proud of you". Wow. My dad never said that to me all my life. It just rocks to have that said to you... really... especially in such a difficult time in this phase of my journey. Glad I enjoyed chatting with the people too... this is a new beginning. This moment is so significant.

Hmm... after everything... my friend and I went for a drink... I think it is really amazing. When God comes. Unexpected. To the point. We have our usual ramblings - silly jokes, chatting on ideas, philo thoughts... and then... it came... my friend was sharing his thoughts on "why must it be so". About challenging conventions and the status quo. I nearly fell off the chair. Conventions. The Big Man up there asked me a few days ago "Why are you afraid of breaking the convention?" WOW. WOW. WOW. BINGO. This is amazzzzzzinnnnngggg. Really. Thankful. I guess we all need people to just challenge our thoughts, our boundaries, our mindset. Glad for this friend of mine. A much needed challenge. Quite overwhelmed.

Challenge - to see things from the stratosphere and not from the cumolo nimbus clouds. From a entirely different angle and perspective. Hmm... now we're talking. Been pondering on the question a few days and is wondering how to answer that. It is not asking 'why'... but 'why not'. I think I don't dare believe. I don't dare think my big dreams will be fulfilled. I don't dare think what I want to do now is possible. I think I lost it. Maybe I want to be safe. Maybe I want to be accepted. Maybe I want to be approved of. Ah...

Like the story of the lobster trap... a story my friend told me just now... how lobsters are caught. The opening of the trap is on top. They just fall into it. They are trapped because they don't look up. Line vision. And the story goes that one day this fictitious lobster that was trapped, looked up... and found its way out. Simple.

I was like a bird caged up... started soaring... out of the cage of fear of rejection... out of the cage of security in others... already freed. Then along the way... perhaps I was like a lobster, falling into a lobster trap. Started to bother and ponder what people think of me. Been just pacing up and down... can't see beyond the cage. I think I need to look up and realise that once I walk out of the cage... I'm free. Again. No holds barred. Highway.

Can't say I'm totally happy and chirpy. But I can say I'm glad His grace helped me to choose joy and victory. I'm glad for a turn. Line vision no more. Am crawling out of the lobster trap. Looking at the sky. Heading for the ocean once more. Gonna hang out at the stratosphere.

a compassionate saviour

there had been people who searched high and low for deities... or seek God in solitude and caves... but one place where He is easily found... is amongst the poor and needy... for His heart is for them. His ear are tuned to their cries. His hand is stretched out towards them.

In affluent Singapore... it is so easy to forget the poor... thankful for reminders... felt such a deep pinch in my heart as I hear of people in China who get Aids because they sell their blood for money to see their children go to school... I feel that pinch because finances are pretty tight for me this month... I saw a homeless man who slept in front of a shophouse just now... said a prayer for him... Felt helpless... but I know God will come forth. One day I should visit the orphan I am sponsoring in Myanmar...

"So all those who seek Him must search for the lowly and the poor.
The downcast and oppressed where sorrow aboundeth.
You’ll find Messiah there, I know. "

fly away...

the imagery of flight has never been so longed for, or so vivid at this point of life.

cooped up. imprisoned. locked in.

freedom. strong. mobile.

FLIGHT.

I'm entering into an unprecedented level of security... to soar like I was made.

Just like the bird in Hunchback of Notre Dame... there is no better other day than to fly.

harmonious dichotomy

life's interesting.

used to think balance was BORING. That extremes were the way to go. Totally messy. Totally arty. Totally freed.

I've learnt from a friend... that balance is exciting. Esp when you are standing one foot on a tight rope, with each of the hands carrying something.

Yeah... being free spirited and bohemian yet orderly and planned seemed totally dichotomous. Yet possible at times. Needful.

Learning to be free. Learning to harmonize.

when the impossible becomes the possible

feeling discouraged. but woke up with a picture of a highway... broad... ahead...

strange. feel joyful at the same time.

only one reason... HIM.

You Raise Me Up

When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;
When troubles come and my heart burdened be;
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.

There is no life – no life without its hunger;
Each restless heart beats so imperfectly;
But when you come and I am filled with wonder,
Sometimes, I think I glimpse eternity.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.

french fried

hmm... been watching MORE french films. Heh...

March of the Penguins... where the bravery and the courage of the animals inspires... and the humans who braved frostbite and the loneliness in the south pole just to show the world... such a symphony. And the music was beautiful... ethereal...

Just beautiful. Le Papillion.. Le Choriste... and to add a more contemporary feel...

Amélie... just love the quirky audrey tatou in there... brings that *grin*

And more recently... Spanish Apartments and Russian Dolls...

Hmm... somehow the feel is more poetic, more artistic... gentler... and they dig into the journey... the movie is less slick... and less clothes change, reuse of cast at different scenes... but there's a rawness and realness that emits out... it is not BANG BANG ha... but so fluid... funny yet poignant... raw emotions... makes me want to visit France...

Ah... just found out the director of When the Cat's Away is also Cédric Klapisch who also directed Spanish Apartments and Russian Doll...

Think I'm french fried. Yeah... just watched Super Size Me too... One thing I like about the Americans... they dare to laugh at themselves.