I need another Bridget Jones Diary fix

Tonight was hard. Felt like Bridget Jones, sitting amidst all the couples. Good thing is, at least I'm not asked hard questions. But sigh, it was really hard. Sat was difficult, tonight was worse. Tough to sit around glowing, basking friends whom I've grown up with... with their new found partners beside them. Or friends who had married and moved on with life. I want a car too (though there's no other reason than just feeling like there's something tangible that I have).

I suppose, if a good thing comes at a wrong time, it is not too good. Feel slightly strange - I'm not your typical Singaporean gal nor have a typical journey. But one Big comfort is that I know the One who loves me, made me, called me, walks with me and holds me.

Even the camera is provision tonight - a way for me to hide, a way for me to be occupied and not have to make small talk that is too painful now. Feel strange also, feel part yet not fully part of this community. Just a pretty strange feeling.

Oh well...read this line that makes sense "Father knows that good friends move away"... teared when I read this. Its just been so hard - good friends moving overseas, good friends getting paired off. Maybe such is globalisation and also growing up. Yes, even "Friends" had to end. But I'm just glad I have an Anchor, a Harbour and a Friend who never goes away. 24/7.

I am one happy girl

Gadgety-gadgety-gadgety-Hop!

Heeeeeeee heeeeeeeee heeeeeeeee. Wah. Some of really good friends pooled together and gave me something I really been wanting for years (its one of those you want and will almost never drag yourself to go get). Ooh.... the pen mouse on the tablet is ssssssssmmmmmoooooooooooooooothhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Nice. Now I can just scribble scribble scribble scribble scribble...

hahahahahah.... managed to buy music of the net.... hahahahahhaahaha

(I guess I don't really like technology for its sake. I just love the relational part. Haaaaa... and the creating part... and the fun part...)

Yay! I got through the week (today was a bit tougher - on coffee 'drip', ate McDonald's breakfast, ate a Snickers bar, ate Soya Bean ice cream and dinner). Gosh. But Yay! I had a great week. One of the happiest (and super thankful) week I ever had in months! But amidst that - is a deep rest. This is my Father's world. I don't know about tomorrow, but I know who holds my hand.

*eyes closing*

I won't worry my life away.

(made this Mojito yesterday! Yumz. Yumz. The joys of knowing how to cook/ concoct)

This is my 2nd day at work. Enjoying it as it goes. Like many things about it... feel I'm expressing another side of me...

My switch to the PC wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Of course, there's the occasional slip from the Ctrl to Command. Haha. Hmm... I think I'm a Pac not a Mc. Ha. Grin. A Mac fronted by a PC for now. Ha. Lol.

Gosh... am sleepy... got to get used to this new zzzz pattern.

I like Jason Mraz's line: I won't worry my life away...

Late Night Writing

Hmm... I understand why people like to write/create at night. Its cooler. Its quieter. And it has an ethereal feel - a separate feeling, like being away.

Certainly Certainty.

Here I am, at Starbucks... drinking a cup of hot steamed milk with Irish Cream. Yumz.

Glad this is facing some outdoor... weather has been dreary.

Feel sad and tired. Yet arising to trust and hope. In all uncertainty there is a Bigger certainty.

=)

Silent Beauty

Mmm... listening to "Waited All my Life" - my fav song from the Raul Midon Set...

Caught the Mosaic Festival and it was really good stuff listening to him... he's an inspiration man! Blind. Yet such beauty.

My fav part of the concert was when he shared that he devised this new slapping technique when he lost his voice for months in NY due to overworking. Gosh... it was sheer beauty. He was saying so much through that technique. Reminded me of my art pieces - wordless rants.

Almost the whole hall gave him a standing ovation... I believe he 'saw'. That was a great moment.

Sugar Rush

My brother asked me, "Are you on a sugar rush?"

Heh. Yeah, coz I was putting on the British accent while creating the dessert for myself and later having an American accent. Can't help but link food with Nigella and Project Runway with New York. Grin.

I feel energized. These few days turned out a lot more fruitful. I was really needing some encouragement, motivation and empowerment. And divinely, I met this group in this writer's workshop : amazing people - people who had gone through some really rough life situations, people with a heart for social responsibility, photographers, editors, publishers and it was really really wonderful.

I came away feeling excited by the energy and the love of the people. I feel more empowered to improve on what I am/will write. Strangely, it was not just principles I "extracted" merely, but it was also healing that I felt. The shared insecurity of writers, the desire to make an impact (but keeping it realistic) and little nuggets of wisdom dished out that was born out of pain.

Today, things fell in place. I managed to let go of many things of the article I'm writing and replace it with new and better modifications. Its the big things that scare us, but its the little things that make a difference, to borrow from Malcolm Gladwell.

I feel I have my own Project Runway experience - going to submit more writing samples. Let's see if it tips. =)

Samba away rehab.

These are the moments that light up my journey. Yes, its been crazily hard these few months, crying and crying and crying. And then God shows up. Have been wanting a red work bag for a long time - searching when I'm shopping but to no avail. And guess what? My mom came back from her Robinson's sale and got me a red leather bag - the kind of size I like, slightly understated, not too much embellishments, great texture. I'm amazed. Its at times like this that I really stand amazed at my Father. I'm like "What???". Feel hugged.

Really thankful for friends... really was not in a group social mood and was great to have lunch with ALC and LO. Nice to have a birthday treat and be encouraged. ALC said something that caught my heart - that this yucky season is to move me onto a stronger & firmer foundation. And this is a black tunnel not a black hole. Bumped into reg-reg and had a quick chat with her... yes, the barrenness will become fruitfulness. Soon, I hope.

Tried a new "QT" style today - Relevant Mag & online ref. Heh. Good. I like this quote :

Many of God's truths are mysterious, strange, difficult. But much of what God has said is plain, virtually impossible to misconstrue: Trust, Love, Give. Hope...What would happen on the mountain and in Egypt and on the waves was not their (Abraham, Moses, Peter) concern, Their courageous obedience to the simple, clear instructions was the one test that stood before them.

- Winn Coller

This is encouraging. I have NO idea what's next. All I hear is "Trust", "Be positive" "I made the universe" and the picture of a match. I don't understand the last 7 years of my journey but I KNOW I have walked step by step in obedience. And that's the point perhaps. Not so much if I've made any impact (I'm sure there is) or whether I've gained much (struggle with this a lot) BUT the mere fact was I obeyed. Perhaps I need to just be happy with that and leave what I don't know, as it is and keep trusting. Maybe the whole point of it was whether or not I would obey, not so much what effect or fruit I would produce. Maybe. Maybe this is the small change that will bring a tipping point. Then I won't need a spiritual "rehab". Maybe it's like Samba - there's no fixed steps, just move to the music. Maybe I need to just let go of knowing and just sway to the music freely.

I am loved.

Ooh... I finally hit the Big THREE-O. Feels different. Was dreading this the whole year actually. But somehow I feel empowered. I feel new. I feel like wanting to try new things, do new stuff. Heh.

It has been a really really rough year. Just glad to have ridden it out til now. Pure grace. There are still stuff to work out, but glad am facing it.

Love this book! Thanks to Meen who got it 4 me from her US trip. Ha. Love the writing. It is both practical yet with such a sense of humour, quirkiness and an attitude of living life with a kick. Ha. Its like growing old without needing to "resign to things" but to face life with more inner strength. Never thought I'd be taking multi vitamins, but I am. Never thought I'd live life more sensibly, but I am. No more fast and furious, all or nothing but wise passion, smarter allocations. I think I'm already liking my growing up... (heh)





Just very thankful. For the good friends that surround me. All the smses throughout the whole day, the hugs, the words of encouragement, the presents, the time and yes, flowers. Heh. Feel very loved. Its tough, but glad there are people who love me and bother enough. Sure helps to combat the difficulties now. I am a conqueror too. I will fight on. I will heal. I will love myself and allow myself to be loved.

Want. Rant. Grant.

A breeze just swept across my face. Ah... the stillness of the night.

I think the greatest artistic push these few years had really been out of deep frustration, angst, anger and pain. Seeking to find relief from them, I create.

Its a great night. I finally measured the L and W for my curtains. Its been bugging me for months. And hahahaha... finally got the mirrorball to rotate and got the right spotlight to shine on it (thanks to my lighting expert friend and also the Ikea voucher from the Chias. Oh yes and my bro & dad for helping me fix it up). Heh.

Been crying and crying and crying. ARGH. Glad to let it out on the paintings. Sometimes pain has no name. Sometimes life does not make sense. Neither does God explain to us sometimes. Look at Job. I don't think he ever knew why he had to suffer so much.

Happy - to figure out how to use the chinese software and also to insert keyframes in FCP express. Glad. FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY got to do the abstract video piece of NY that I've always been wanting to do. FINALLY.

I feel sad. Very sad. Wants are granted, not demanded.

Let's count blessings - glad I had WL asked me out for lunch today and she gave me a pre-birthday treat! She's a lovely friend. Glad that Gloria Jeans have $2 offer for 2-6pm. Mmm... I had a yummy Hazelnut latte. Glad SY listened and prayed for me. Just glad someone bothers. Sigh... it has been so difficult...

Ok ok... tomorrow - I get to write a brilliant essay and also go cycling. So cheer up gal. It's late, go to sleep.