a defining film.

"Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.

See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland.

Isaiah 43:18-19 NIV

Wow. Tonight was amazing. I watched "A Hero's Journey" (http://www.luxlucis.sg/index.swf), an indie film on the theme of forgiveness, told through the lens of President Xanana Gusmao, of East Timor. This is another of those "defining moment" films.

Defining in many ways...

>> In my battle with unforgiveness... the funny thing was I was sharing the film's content with my dad... in the middle of the conversation I realised I was talking to my 'perpetuator', the one I have been constantly needing to forgive... for the 15 years... and for yesterday and tomorrow. Remember watching the trailer at www.cine.sg and the ending line was "If we forgive, we liberate ourselves". Was just tussling with the bitterness in my heart towards my dad... and wow... the message was loud and clear. The film is amazingly powerful...

>> As an inspiration... at this juncture whilst I take another step out...back to full on marketplace. Grace Phan's courage inspires me... "I had no training or background in financial markets either when I entered that field, and obviously no experience either in filmmaking when I made A Hero's Journey. I don't feel that my experience in the newsroom prepared me in any specific way for filmmaking. They are quite different processes." Encourages me to pursue my dreams. Always felt that this industry is so male... glad to see 'heroines' like her and even the online editor, Melanie Foo!

>> How much Timor & P. Xanana Gusmao have to teach Singaporeans... as we talk about the "Love Timor" movement... I realised that yes, Singapore has her role to run alongside to encourage her neighbour... but at the same time, they have SO MUCH to teach us... the power of forgiveness...

"If we can forgive, we liberate ourselves from all bad sentiments of revenge of self-flagellation. If we forgive, we stop a part of our life. We say no now I am entering a new phase of my life. If not, I live everyday the sense that I am the worst victim in the world. God, why me?? Why it happened to me and not to other people? Where is the justice in this life? We are everyday trying to understand why and we don't live in peace of mind. We don't live in peace. We are always trying to be selfish. Me ,me why not him? When we dont forgive, we don't free ourself from thinking on ourselves. Forgiveness is the way to live in peace." - Xanana Gusmao

And also the love of the president for his people... not wanting power or glory for its own ends... but for its people. His love for the people blows me away. How he respects, loves and honours the common folk. How he reaches out and treats them with such dignity. His deep courage to forgive, to stop the bitterness... even to those who threw him in prison, betrayed him... WOW. We have much to learn.

>> As a confirmation... the last time I went to Timor... God was just sharing His heart to me ... to see the beauty of His people, His land... despite its pain and history. Found it echoed in Grace's words "We should not idealise them as the poor, oppressed, victorious victims. When I first went to Timor to meet with President Xanana to discuss the project, I felt it was the most beautiful place I had ever seen. I realised much later that it was because I was seeing with my heart, and not just eyes." Yes... the inherent beauty of Timor...

Where do I go from here... I honestly dunno... all I know is I want to create media that impacts lives positively. I want to have more courage to forgive... shaking off the ghost of the sufferings and looking ahead to the future. And I want to go back to Timor to visit the orphans whom I've been thinking about.

New Discovery

What an interesting day.

I think my life is rather colourful - having experienced vast and diverse scope of things, experience, meeting all kinds of people...

Today took a twist and a turn... Supposed to share at a place but in the end there was no audience. Ended up having coffee with a dear dear friend who is moving overseas soon.

At night... went for dinner with an old friend... ended up having burmese food - had Myanmar tofu salad which was very tasty... and visiting little Burma at Peninsula Plaza. Always went to Peninsula Plaza - at the first two levels... never ventured beyond that level... pleasantly surprised to find there lies new sights... in a familliar place. Was pleasantly surprised.

My next destination is... tekka market... never been there. These old rustic places are good... like the new revamped people's park... old yet new... different and just adds character to good old singapore... =)

Equations and balances

Am happy today. Mainly because this is a clear day.

Had been feeling groggy, tired, sleepy, flu-ey, crampy (last week) that anyday that my mind is clear, active and I'm able to think straight, I'm happy. Ha.

Got a showreel done, pitching for a job today. Hope I get it. I need the $$$. Ha. Am doing a freelance job for my old agency... funny how my old boss thinks I'm really good at the job and wants me back (again... for the umpteenth time). Ha... am I that smart or good? Haha... well... media planning was fun sometimes... keeps my mind excercising... but really stole the life away. Was kinda like accounts... I kinda excel in that... but bores me. Ha. Too much numbers. Think I prefer colours.

Hmm... at the crossroads again (Ha... got a good old pal who always tell me he is transitioning... think I can tell that to him now... I'm transitioning AGAIN). Honestly, I think I'm actually wanting to go back to a job that is fixed at one place. Strangely, just sitting in my old agency's office makes me feel happy... that today I do not need to run to 3 places and can just sit here and send emails. Sure if I did it for long, it would be boring. But having been so mobile and nomadic, having to sit and base somewhere, is actually therapeutic. Working at home sure has its perks... but the other downside is sometimes parents. I love them and appreciate them. But funny how Asian parents have this way of treating their kids like kids, I mean small kids though they are big already. Wish they can be more releasing. Maybe their way of caring is catering to the physical needs. But the thing is... I don't need that so much when I'm grown up and would LIKE to take care of myself. Oh well... we're in the midst of working this out... haha... Maybe I treasure the independence. I would rather have love in the intangible sense (support in what I'm doing etc) rather than love in the practical sense. Oh well... different love languages. Guess I also need to love them in their language too. Give and take. Ha. But... staying at home to work is increasingly frustrating... ha... Now I understand why people post 30 want to move out.

Variety. Routine. Over. Under. More. Less. Life's equations and balances. Ha.

what is required of us

I suppose what is required of us is to be the best we can be.
Sometimes I compare too much.
this is a good reminder:
------------------------------

Just Be The Best

If you can't be a pine on the top of the hill,

Be a scrub in the valley - but be

the best little scrub at the side of the rill:

Be a bush if you can't be a tree.

If you can't be a bush, be a bit of the grass

Some highway to happier make;

If you can't be a muskie, then just be a bass

But the liveliest bass in the lake.

We can't all be captains, we've got to be crew.

There's something for all of us here;

There's big work to do and there's lesser to do,

And the task we must do is the near.

If you can't be a highway, then just be a trail;

If you can't be a sun, be a star.

It isn't by size that you win or you fail-

BE THE BEST OF WHATEVER YOU ARE!
By Douglas Wallock

xlb.

my bro got his first official work pay check today.

went to ting tai fung for xiao long bao. its quite funny... how when a person starts work... it just seems that the person has grown up. hmm...

but glad... glad my brother has grown up. =)

family fabric

a friend of mine threw a pizza party yesterday.

food was gorgeous - my fav being the pesto mushroom pizza. Dough, tomato sauce, pesto sauce etc was made from scratch. Lots of love into it too.

I finally got to make my port pears. The smell was amazing... port, cinnamon, orange zest and pear peels... such an aroma. Topped with vanilla ice cream and muesli (the macadamia nuts got burnt in the toaster as we were caught up with the pizza operations. ha).

Wat I took home that night was how our lives are intertwined with others... how the oven that was used to bake the pizzas was carried in by a common friend. The herbs that they used to cook came from pots and soil that were carried up by a few common friends. Its amazing how
our lives are just weaved in others. Different threads make up our lifes...

Dreams for Singapore

Today is National day!!!

The National Day Parade is starting soon.... just ate durians for tea... heh.

Watched "Tak Giu"... a local indie film-maker who made a short film on hope.

I like the ending - where after all the obstacles, they broke through to find what they were looking for ... a soccer field to practise. I like the humour. It was well done.

However, the characters were rather 'typical' Singaporean - complaining, blaming, easily discouraged - ever ready to comment on the negative situation. Hmm... looking at today and ahead, I dream of Singaporeans (including myself)... shaking off these habits and transforming to be more positive. I dream of people who will stop complaining but choose to be the solution to the problem. I dream of a new breed of people who will arise and be more compassionate. I dream of Singaporeans shaking off their apathy and their indifference. I dream of Singaporeans reaching beyond their comfort zones and changing the lifes of the poor and needy. Yes... its time. That Singapore does not boast of the best airport but is grateful we can be the best... so we can serve others best. A shift in motivation. Yet maintaining economic prosperity. Not advancing ahead, yet losing our souls. Not getting more money, but our families suffer.

A new breed. Coupled with tenacity. Hearts full of compassion. Beyond just ourselves.

kid.

went to revisit toys-r-us with two friends. ha. FUN! dolls were fun... but i think i like the masak masak best!

Walking on Water

Videoed for a friend's gig tonight...

Rather emo for me as so many things were tied to it

~ my journey these two years... the difficulties, the pain yet also the joy and also the exhiliration. No risk. No gain. But sometimes... Have risk. Have pain. haha... not necessary so all the time... but guess that's with life. Sometimes comfort zones are traded for new grounds... yet not without a price. Sometimes lines are crossed... not without paying the price. I dun think I would have traded the years for anything...its been a SUPER journey... yet I'm also smarting from the sacrifices and pain I made

~ met people who made me feel small>> people in the industry, people who are famous, people who are super talented. Funny how I was good at things I didn't totally enjoy... and funny how I dun think I'm that good at the things that I think I enjoy. But I dun think confidence should be linked with such things. I dun want my confidence to be wrapped around what I was doing or what I had achieved etc. I want to be confident no matter what. That whoever I meet, no matter if the person had seemingly achieved more or less than me, I'll be equally confident, humble and treat every person with the same dignity and assign the same basic respect. Like Mother Teresa. Am I breaking out of a Singaporean meritocracy mould?

~ lastly... my journey ahead. Really it had been such a walk of faith. When things dun seem to make sense. When the road ahead seems vague. When the path is not clear. When some don't seem to agree/approve/understand/grasp... or think I'm incoherent/crazy/alternative... or am not meeting their expectations. The last two years were like that. But deep down I know its worth it. I know Him better. I see His faithfulness. I fulfilled some of my dreams. I found more of myself. I embraced my feminity. I had time to sow into my family. I discovered the joy of releasing my creativity. I created videos which gave a voice to the poor of China and East Timor. I have touched many people with my skills. Unexpected deep friendships came my way. I learnt to balance, enjoy life and have more fun! I grew more joyful... even in times of difficulty. I have grown so so so much.Wow.

Looking ahead. Its a brand new experience of walking on water - AGAIN. I want to fix my eyes on Jesus... and not sink. Not look at how small my hands/feet/brain is but how BIG is He. My life is His. I want to live a life for Him, not just for my tiny self. I want to live a life that gives away. A life that impacts. A life that challenges. A life that is not sedate. A life that blesses. A life that makes other peoples' lives a better one. And the world that we live in, a better place. A life that shouts for justice, compassion and love for the poor. A life that counted. That when I die, I have no regrets. Rather walk dangerously and discover treasures than to sit sedately and wish things can be more exciting.

I'm gonna wait in faith... of what is ahead. Yes, there will be a price. But there will be a prize too.