These few days. Boy. I really felt like I was kissing the mud again. Trawling. Legs were heavy. Heart and mind was so bogged down. Have not felt so so down for a long time.
Was quite shaken. Off-focus.
Thankfully... I'm caught in a mercy fallout.
Pain but in joy. Lost but full of hope. Was still sticking out but slowly was reaching the bottom. Someone emailed me "bless you to choose joy and victory". What powerful words. Those words had weight. Because it was spoken by someone who is walking through a tough time. Because it was also spoken (somewhat similarly, to be exact "choose happiness") by a mom who lost her had-it-all kid to leukaemia. And this moment when dust was in my face, I chose joy and victory. I chose to trudge through. I chose as best as I could to declare that God is good. I chose to say He deserves it all.
In turn, He came through. Just when things seemed too bleak. A strength that came through.
It was a very significant moment. Tonight. I had been behind the scenes for 2-3 years. Not much in a leadership position. It was time to fallow. Tonight marked a new season - time to sow. Again. Old baggage is gone. Soil is fertile. Time to plant. Very thankful. This time round, its with a bunch of people and a leader who cares about people and the work. Not just the work. Thankful, very thankful, He sent a friend, a father figure and mentor, to just sit in. My my, his presence was just so reassuring. It was like God saying, I'm here with ya. I care. I support you. And I never let you down. Wow.
And this time round, standing on the platform, was one initially of reluctance but of total surrender. To just be leading this video team, I really felt like the woman who poured perfume from the alabaster jar on Jesus's feet. I gave my all. Surrendered. To be here, doing what He wants. No fame, no glory, not much money. Just following Him. Struggled with this cost. But when I'm reminded of the price He paid, this was small. Much smaller. So much of me just wants to run away. Glad. I shed those "I need to have it all", "I need to know it all", and "I need to ra-ra" ways... but in brokeness and weakness, sharing gently, firmly and confidently. Wow. What a change. And I did not have to be someone else, I just had to be me. Which was fun. I like it. And yeah... my friend messaged this to me "U did good, I'm proud of you". Wow. My dad never said that to me all my life. It just rocks to have that said to you... really... especially in such a difficult time in this phase of my journey. Glad I enjoyed chatting with the people too... this is a new beginning. This moment is so significant.
Hmm... after everything... my friend and I went for a drink... I think it is really amazing. When God comes. Unexpected. To the point. We have our usual ramblings - silly jokes, chatting on ideas, philo thoughts... and then... it came... my friend was sharing his thoughts on "why must it be so". About challenging conventions and the status quo. I nearly fell off the chair. Conventions. The Big Man up there asked me a few days ago "Why are you afraid of breaking the convention?" WOW. WOW. WOW. BINGO. This is amazzzzzzinnnnngggg. Really. Thankful. I guess we all need people to just challenge our thoughts, our boundaries, our mindset. Glad for this friend of mine. A much needed challenge. Quite overwhelmed.
Challenge - to see things from the stratosphere and not from the cumolo nimbus clouds. From a entirely different angle and perspective. Hmm... now we're talking. Been pondering on the question a few days and is wondering how to answer that. It is not asking 'why'... but 'why not'. I think I don't dare believe. I don't dare think my big dreams will be fulfilled. I don't dare think what I want to do now is possible. I think I lost it. Maybe I want to be safe. Maybe I want to be accepted. Maybe I want to be approved of. Ah...
Like the story of the lobster trap... a story my friend told me just now... how lobsters are caught. The opening of the trap is on top. They just fall into it. They are trapped because they don't look up. Line vision. And the story goes that one day this fictitious lobster that was trapped, looked up... and found its way out. Simple.
I was like a bird caged up... started soaring... out of the cage of fear of rejection... out of the cage of security in others... already freed. Then along the way... perhaps I was like a lobster, falling into a lobster trap. Started to bother and ponder what people think of me. Been just pacing up and down... can't see beyond the cage. I think I need to look up and realise that once I walk out of the cage... I'm free. Again. No holds barred. Highway.
Can't say I'm totally happy and chirpy. But I can say I'm glad His grace helped me to choose joy and victory. I'm glad for a turn. Line vision no more. Am crawling out of the lobster trap. Looking at the sky. Heading for the ocean once more. Gonna hang out at the stratosphere.
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