Like where she yells at Pastor Dan about how she has to sacrifice so much, losing her job, her social life, her disposable income etc so that she could raise her deceased sister's children.
Well... me've been trying... trying to get things together... in this new season. Tackling things that I rather hide and pretend that they don't exist. Also transiting. Also accepting. Also tussling with conflicts. Balancing. Surrendering. Loving what I do yet miss the bright lights of the media advertising industry. The feeling that I am in control. The feeling that I was one of the best and uprising media planners. The money that I was earning. The parties. The priority passes. The corporate clothes. The J21 and CP kids' ministry 'successes', people knowing me, people looking up to me. I belonged. Somewhere.
Versus: The repititive portion of a website that I was doing this week. Sometimes I feel that I have to stoop so low mentally just to earn this bit of money? Sigh. For my part time job - Feeling like a small fry in a big organisation. In KY and CP, no formal ministry, no voice, no platform, no consistent mass group of people to give out all that is stored within me. Versus wanting to be in KY but need to stay in CP. I don't know where I belong.
Having to learn that my identity doesn't come from how much I earn. Its just hard when you don't have much money. Having to learn belonging. Wanting to be part of somewhere but finding myself in many places. Enjoying the flexibility and mobility yet yearn for the stability and consistency. Just wish there was a good balance of enough mobility for freshness and enough stability for my soul's sake. I just want to settle down. And yet move around. . Heh. Wanting to belong but circumstances don't facillitate that.
Its so hard to feel so small. Its hard to feel nomadic.
Not much money. Not much looks. Not much skill for the current jobs. Not much ministry. Not much anything. Dunno where I belong.
Father God... I need you to be my security, identity, significance and stability. Just feel like a wreck at times. I need to be home.
Trying too hard to be perfect. To be the best videographer NOW. To be the best flash designer. To handle this transition best. To contribute and balance my best in the 3 churches and J21. To have it all. To have my cake and eat it. To surrender a love. To choose love over jealousy. To be content. To settle down. To do big things. To speak and reach vast audiences. To impact lifes consistently. To want to be perfect now. To want all my dreams fulfilled now. To make it 'big'. To me 'something' or 'somebody'.
Yet this season is also of ::Sense and Sensibility:: and also the ::Martha:: in me going through a ::Mary:: season. To learn and accept unmerit grace, love, slower pace, lesser expectation. To learn to love and spend time with people. To put the more important things above. In quietness - to ponder, to reflect, to discuss, to discourse, to inherit, to internalise. To put pillars and foundations in my life. To listen. To observe. To learn. To respect. To honor. To think through. To cherish. To process. To understand. To store up. Quietly. Sensibly. Ha, but missing the spontaneity of mine!
Help me know as what Sarah in the show needed to know: I don't have to tie my shoelaces now. I can tie them when I'm ready. That I don't have to strive to be perfect in my new field now. The big shoes I'm wearing now... you show me how to tie them... that one day I can tie them myself and walk comfortably in them. That I don't have to have it all together.
1 comment:
glad we prayed together again. yes, heh martha in mary season. we can be thankful for it all.. hugs. love ya. :)
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