Live Strong.

Just got back from the funeral. Wow. It is the most beautiful funeral I've been too. Wow.

Friends fly back from all over the world, just to see his physical body. Wow.

I barely know him. But I'm deeply moved.

This ain't a emo high or a soppy affair. But it was solid. His courage, his passion etc was almost tangible when people shared his life. Sure enough, when you die, people talk about the good things they remember. But there must be enough good things to have such a crowd to talk about, sing about, cry about and remember about. I sure think he didn't care or love just for these people to come. But he truly did.

Got roped in to video the service so that the feed goes out to two screens outside. Was glad to be in the family and help out in a practical way. Was really glad I could do that. It was family. It was a 'together' affair. Could really feel it in the air. The whole youth group, ready to serve, ready to move, ready to comfort. Family. Together.

My heart is heavy as I ponder what God is speaking to me. Just this morning as I woke up, a thought came to me - why not live on the opposite side, just give it all you've got, be positive and gather courage and charge! The thought stuck. Woke up, felt all so dreary, down and tired and blah. I thought about it but it just looked too difficult. I was just blah. Then I thought to myself, how many days do I feel blah? Seems like quite often these few months. Sigh... that is not a way to live! The risk was before me - to just risk it all, secure in Him and charge.

As I trudged around, wanting to give up in midst of a technical trouble... really prayed and asked for strength to go on and conquer. Managed to climb over it and get by the day and went to meet a friend before the wake.

As I met the friend, something in me came alive. This friend is a dear little brother, whom I see so much in him. His heart, his passion and the talents that he has expressed in music and photography. A friend that I stand behind and supporting so that all that what God has for Him, will come to pass. Through our conversations, God reminded me of the dreams He had given me. God stirred in me the latent passion. Hope came through. Hope for the bright future He has said I had. A new hope. It was awesome. To catch that glimpse of light in dark tunnels. Felt like I was looking for some ray of hope having walked a long while in a dark tunnel. That ray of light gave a hope that there was a better road ahead. There ARE things I can look forward to. There ARE things in store for me. That my dreams and desires will come to pass. Wow.

That was the prelude. The funeral was beautiful. So fragrant. Testimonies by testimonies showed forth a man who lived for a Cause, bigger than himself. Who Chose to be happy. Who chose to serve. Who chose to lead. Who chose to fight. Who lived life with a passion. Who did not give up. Who pursued everything with all of his heart. Who held back nothing. Who gave all he had. Who challenged. Who inspired. Who knew Jesus. And magnified Him.

His life, or rather his death spoke to me. That I should stop living a TINY life. Sure, I've been through lots of rough places (still) in my life. Sure, I am facing lots of odds. Sure, I still can't do a lot of things. Sure, I have lost many things. Sure, I don't have many things - intangible and tangible, that I so badly want. Sure, I have made mistakes. And for the last few months, I went round and round and round these things.

Looking at how Fei gave his all. Looking at how he fought leukaemia. Looking at how he fought what God allowed, gave a new meaning to faith. An unshakeable faith in the Father who made him, crafted a plan for him and am leading him in this specific path, that not many his age will have to take. Yet he gave his all.

I want to. I want to find the courage to stand up and overcome the odds. I want to persevere and push through til I get a breakthrough. I want to be brave. I want to learn from my mistakes and move on. I want to get past the previous hurts, pain and negative experiences and restart and recarve a new future. Even if it means I have to suffer all that I had to and have to, I will face it with new strength. I will fight the good fight. I will run the good race. I want to choose to be happy.

I want to LIVE STRONG.

On the way home, as I was smsing, a white butterfly flew right into my face (almost) in the City Hall MRT tunnel. I was taken aback and just had to look at it as it soars. It was a pure white butterfly, with pretty patterns on its wings. Butterflies are special to me. They represent transformation. Yes, I am transformed. Yes, I will soar.

Thank you, God. May my life (and death) be a beautiful one, to you. May you be made much of me, just like Fei's life. Keep me, hold me, be magnified through me.