Had supper with friends and was fun, celebrating a friend's birthday. Heh.
Came back... journalled and started crying. And just went on crying and crying and crying. Was good actually. All the un-named emotions of futility and aloneness just came out. Facing the deep, real pain deep within. A word came... "beauty" ... yeah... despite the pain for such a journey... I've experienced a lot of beauty. I've grown in beauty, appreciate beauty more, reflect Beauty more and created beauty. Beauty - fuel for life. A rose is beautiful, yet not without thorns. A broken life can be full of thorns and thistles, yet not without moments and times of beauty.
Was about to fall asleep... then yet another painful incident happened. Another quarrel outside. Sigh... my soul feels tired. My strength is weak. Yet I know... there is a potential for beauty or an outlet of beauty.
All these painful things will lead somewhere. Will generate something. Will be worth it. There's a greater hope. Of things to come. I feel like I'm beaten so I can be strong... like steel. My heart needs to live on. My tears need to dry. My pain needs to go.
I remember a friend that crossed my path recently and realise that its Provision. It was a glimpse of safety, a time of respite from the storm, a cocoon of joy and a sense of being taken care of, a hope of what's possible. Just what I'm longing for. Great just to taste what it means to be safe, happy and taken care of, even if its just two weeks. Longing for heaven. Longing for the days where we can roam free, where there's no tears, no quarrels, no fear, no brokeness, no broken things and pain. Where there is total freedom, joy, feasting, dancing, beauty, safety. Can't wait to get there. Meanwhile... on earth... things will be mixed.
Browsed at my photos... they make me happy... that life can be so painful... yet... it can be so beautiful. Bittersweet.
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